In order to achieve considerable success with the publication, and perhaps save newspapers around the world from imminent demise, I think I may have to send in my name for the position.
I have a few Action Items that may help them. Consider:
- They have never had a picture of a naked, huge-breasted model on page 3 before. Suggesting that I be the first model will not be considered you rude and insolent person.
- Given my understanding of the male psyche, you could run a picture of a new table saw on page 3 and guys would get just as excited as with a picture of a naked lady.
- Calvin and Hobbes, quite rightly judged the Best Thing in Publishing History, has been allowed to stop. As publisher, I will bring serious influence upon the writer, up to and including waterboarding, to bring this cartoon back to newspapers! This plan alone would probably get me elected Prime Minister, should an election be called on the issue.
- A shameless gossip column, immune from prosecution, should be established immediately. Reading between the lines of political pundits is one thing - actually knowing who is boinking whom's assistant is another.
- Running humour columns on the front page may be self-serving, but newspapers need to take bold action in order to preserve market share as we know it. Luring humour writers into the fold and paying them enormous, guaranteed salaries with serious bonuses and built in Golden Parachutes would be well worth considering.