This column took First Place in the recent Americas Funniest Humor contest! Yes, they were desperate for entries...
As general manager of the Leaning Pines Home for Aging Rock Stars, I take great pride in keeping the lines of communication open with you all. It is yet another reason why we are the preferred assisted living destination among the aging rock star population.
To that end, I will be publishing this newsletter from time to time, charting the various goings-on in our wonderful community. I hope you enjoy this first edition, which was co-edited by a very young-looking Mr. Rogers (Kenny, room 114)
- Staff report Mr. Floyd (Pink, room 113) has successfully used his walker to move to the far side of the room. Well done Mr. Floyd!
- Another set of dentures was found on the karaoke microphone this week. Please ensure you take your personal belongings with you when finished in the rec. room.
- We have heard from The Doobie Brothers! After moving from here, they arrived safely at the China Grove Long Term Care Facility, down around San Antone. Staff there report shortages of medical marijuana, as the brothers heroically continue their battle with glaucoma, which has sadly struck all members of the group.
- Mr. Jagger (Mick, room 110) threw his back out again in the garden this morning. Staff report him walking funny and had no choice but to wet his lips and stick him to the window so he doesn't wander off again.
- New tenants Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show are being treated by Dr Goldstein and The Nursing Squad. Their physical therapy includes knitting hats for Mr. Jagger, or, as we call them here, covers for the Rolling Stone.
- Mr. Cooper (Alice, room 109) has asked staff to please stop asking him if he is alright. He reports he always looks that way. We have already spoken to him about the snake he smuggled into his room last week, as well as his growing black widow collection, both of which contravene regulations.
- Clients are reminded to please wait their turn when hearing aid batteries go on sale next week. ‘Rushing the stage’ tends to get all the walkers tangled up.
- Mr. Seger (Bob, room 204) reports he had a successful night movement yesterday. Way to go Mr. Seger!
- Mr. Plant (Robert, room 119) reports his trip to the bathroom had “…been a long lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely time.” Better luck next time, Mr. Plant.
- Mr. Gibb (Barry, room 109) came down with a fever last Saturday night. Quick intervention by staff prevented a tragedy. His hair is expected to stay alive.
- Would whoever keeps stealing the Viagra pills from the dispensary please refrain from doing so. We need these medications to keep the male patients from rolling out of bed at night. These are serious medications and are not to be used for ring toss games or towel hanging competitions.
- Maintenance staff report several gallons of black and white paint have gone missing from the paint locker. Would Mr. Simmons, Mr. Stanley, Mr. Criss and Frehley please report to the office.
- If anyone knows the whereabouts of Mr. Osbourne (Oswald, room 666), last seen doddering off towards the main gate, please contact security. Kitchen staff would also like to speak with him about the mutilated chickens discovered in his room.
- Mr. Townshend (Peter, room 119) reports he has glued together the ukulele he damaged during last week’s recital. He sincerely apologizes for his behaviour.
- Pharmacy staff report that laxative medications were somehow switched with the anti-diarrhea meds earlier this week, for which they are deeply sorry. Clients who turned a deep purple as a result of this mix-up are now a whiter shade of pale, much to our (and their) relief. Patients who received the laxatives are asked to contact maintenance for repairs to their bathroom ceilings and/or toilets. We apologize for the error.
That just about wraps up this first edition of the Leaning Pine News.
Watch for the second issue that will have pictures and highlights from this week’s big Guitar Pick Tiddlywinks Tournament!
We’ll also have some tips on how to keep your hair from falling into your custard at meal times.