Thursday, October 20, 2011

Bovine Wine - Winner - America's Funniest Humor Contest

A local rancher has discovered that feeding wine to cows produces meat that is tastier than your usual sirloin.  It must also produce tipsy livestock who lose all inhibitions and wind up yakking with their sisters all night about how traumatic the delivery of their calf was ten years ago.

I have a beef with this.  One of my meatier concerns is etiquette at wine tastings.  Cows are new to wine - they don't know about spittoons or what the crackers are for or how to hold the glass or anything.  They just drink till they're loaded and then slobber and whiz all over the place.  Kind of like New Yorkers, really. 

I'm kidding, of course.  I mean Australians.

In my opinion, bingeing bovines need much more tasting.  Testing, I mean.

For instance, if this feeding trend leads to wider aisles in china shops and wine stores then I’m all for it.  Well done!

Burning questions remain, however, particularly for restaurant patrons.  Are you prepared to accept the pairing opinion of a Simmental Sommelier at your local eatery?  Do you really think a cow will recommend the mouth-watering steak when it happens to be his cousin?  “This wine is a terrific accompaniment to…fish,” he’ll say.  Every time. 

That is what is at steak.  Stake – excuse me.

This being the Pacific Northwest, wine-fed beef will inevitably lead to dope-raised chickens. 

Mellow yet plucky hens, fed a daily supplement of grow-op ‘grain’, will soon be the rage among chefs.  There they'll be (the chickens), loafing about their free ranges, stoned out of their beaks, staring at the clouds, thinking deep chicken thoughts like "What are the enormous white things that emerge from my cooter every day?"

Restaurants will serve ‘Baked, baked chicken, with special brownie stuffing.’  They’ll just lay on your plate, grinning in their own chickeny way.  Wow, man.

I’m telling you, this wine-feeding scourge must be stomped out.  Put the entire idea out to pasture where it belongs, I say.  Wine is for humans, not animals.  I think authorities should give this rancher a good grilling. 

We need to put a cork in this scheme in order to preserve our region as a grade ‘A’ tourist destination and make our visitors enjoy our brand of welcome, not herd them like cattle through the chutes of monetary gain, into the silos of history, never to return to our granary of democracy.     

“Waiter!  I’ll have the half-baked metaphors done medium-well, and a glass of your finest Moolot, please.”

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Chief Executive

Press Release

The President of Occupy Wall Street Company, David Crawford, has announced thousands of layoffs, effective immediately.

"In order to meet our profit targets we must institute severe cost cutting measures," announced the CEO, whose current salary is $750,000 plus stock options.  "Having all these people just sitting around holding signs is not the way to operate a successful company in todays day and age" announced the exalted leader.

Speaking from inside his limousine, the CEO then went on to thank many of Occupy's corporate sponsors, including Coca Cola and Bank of America, for their patience and understanding during this crisis.  "They've been with us all the way," said Crawford.  "If it weren't for their support I think we'd all be out of jobs."

Mr. Crawford went on to state that while he fully supports the ideals of his employee discontent, people must move on with their lives and pick themselves up off the pavement of disappointment, move into the light of prosperity, and ask themselves if they really, really understand the implications of not asking if the customer is having fries with that order, he said.

"Do they want to hold up poorly spelled signs of discontent their entire lives, or do they want to move on and enjoy the many benefits of wallowing in debt and working at low-paying jobs the rest of their miserable lives?  Is living in filth and squalor worth it?" he asked, rhetorically.  "I don't think so - particularly if we are going to hit next quarter's revenue forecasts."

For media interviews, please contact one of Mr Crawford's executive assistants.  Space is limited due to board meetings, planning sessions, and a pedicure.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

First Drafts

Like me, I figure song writers had to have first drafts of their songs.  I have visions of rock musicians, pens in hand, crossing stuff out and muttering "That just doesn't sound right..."

Herewith are some examples:

  • Deep Purple - Smoke on the Landscape
  • Rod Stewart - Maggie Moe
  • Led Zeppelin - Stairway to Bathroom
  • Elvis Presley - Jailhouse Dance
  • Beatles - Hey Dude, I Want to Hold Your Gland
  • Elton John - Saturday Nights Alright for Knitting, Bennie and the Mets
  • Smokey Robinson - The Tracks of My Tires
  • Jackson Brown - Doctor My Pancreas
  • Steppenwolf - Born to be Mild
  • Police - Roseanne
  • Pink Floyd - Currency
  • Doobie Brothers - China Groove
  • Supremes - Where Did My Shoes Go?
  • Warren Zevon - Werewolves of Cleveland
  • Carl Perkins - Blue Suede Wallabies
  • Ray Charles - Hit The Road Bob
  • Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home North Dakota
  • Don Maclean - American Schnitzel

Monday, October 3, 2011


I took my daughter out selling Girl Guide cookies tonight.

Having been in the sales game for many years, I coached her on the right approach.

"You've got to tug at their heart strings and be very sincere and cute," I told her.  "You'll do fine, Sweetheart"

At our first stop my daughter rang the bell and then gave her prepared speech when the door opened.

"Wanna buy some cookies or should I burn down your house?" she asked.  "You've got a nice place here - be a shame if anything were to happen to it," she continued.

I beamed with pride as neighbour after neighbour forked over their cash, negotiable securities and other valuables.

"Pay up you rat!" she would say, plunging her little fist into one neighbours guts.  "You said you'd take 8 boxes now hand over the cash ya bum!"

They grow up so quickly don't they?

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Biolomin...biolumines...oh just watch the video

If I was to describe this video you would swear I had just smoked several joints the size of emergency flares, so just watch it.

Cool Video here (roll mouse over)