Tuesday, October 18, 2011
The President of Occupy Wall Street Company, David Crawford, has announced thousands of layoffs, effective immediately.
"In order to meet our profit targets we must institute severe cost cutting measures," announced the CEO, whose current salary is $750,000 plus stock options. "Having all these people just sitting around holding signs is not the way to operate a successful company in todays day and age" announced the exalted leader.
Speaking from inside his limousine, the CEO then went on to thank many of Occupy's corporate sponsors, including Coca Cola and Bank of America, for their patience and understanding during this crisis. "They've been with us all the way," said Crawford. "If it weren't for their support I think we'd all be out of jobs."
Mr. Crawford went on to state that while he fully supports the ideals of his employee discontent, people must move on with their lives and pick themselves up off the pavement of disappointment, move into the light of prosperity, and ask themselves if they really, really understand the implications of not asking if the customer is having fries with that order, he said.
"Do they want to hold up poorly spelled signs of discontent their entire lives, or do they want to move on and enjoy the many benefits of wallowing in debt and working at low-paying jobs the rest of their miserable lives? Is living in filth and squalor worth it?" he asked, rhetorically. "I don't think so - particularly if we are going to hit next quarter's revenue forecasts."
For media interviews, please contact one of Mr Crawford's executive assistants. Space is limited due to board meetings, planning sessions, and a pedicure.