Thursday, June 12, 2014

Observations Regarding New Home Water Closet after One Week of Occupancy (of the new home, not just the bathroom).

- My bathroom fixtures were designed for people four feet tall, not my towering 6’3” For instance, the toilet comes up to the middle of my shins, meaning when I am seated thereon I must part my knees, like bamboo in the jungle, in order to see straight ahead. I call this fixture the Shin-high Shunker, which would make an amusing rock band name (“Eric Clapton and the Shin-high Shunkers, ladies and gentlemen!!”)

- The sink comes up to my knees and is what my chin rests upon when seated on the toilet. When brushing my teeth or performing other sinkish ablutions I must either stand sideways to spit, or straddle the terlet with my Great Behind touching the back wall, in order to facilitate bending from the waist. I may take up ballet in order to plie elegantly to a spitting posture. I suppose, with practice, I could try gobbing my minty-fresh effluent from the doorway, but my marksmanship has eroded over time so I will just have to make do. 

- There is no exhaust fan, resulting in a buildup of steam during showers. There can also be a buildup of floral and other aromas, which have rendered me unconscious from time to time. When asked by roommates why I’m wearing a painter’s respirator in the bathroom I tell them I am allergic to the lilacs outside the open window.

- The shower is good! Particularly since the nozzle is higher than my nipples, a rare treat for tall guys in most homes and hotels. If I may boast for a moment, I once won the Moose Jaw Cleanest Nipples Award due to a dreadful shower in my tiny apartment there. As you may have surmised, there are not a lot of exciting things to do in Moose Jaw. The trophy is interesting, as was the judging.

Simple Rules for Being a Professional Tour Guide

Based on a true story.

1. Always read your passenger manifest CAREFULLY, as this indicates who should be picked up where, and in what order.
2. Failing to read the manifest carefully may result in you departing a hotel with only three guests instead of the desired five.
3. In the event of 2 (above), wait for the cell phone in your pocket to begin ringing frantically as you cruise over the bridge to your next stop. This ringing is caused by the company owner frantically calling to say you’ve forgotten to pick up two guests, who are ringing her phone frantically to complain. Since you are a professional driver, you ignore this frantically ringing telephone while driving frantically.
4. Also ignore the constant bonging of your cell phone as eleventy hundred text messages are received on the same subject.
5. Finally answer your telephone and have the already-boarded guests grow alarmed at the rapid departure of blood from your face as the (really bad) news is received.
6. The unsightly shade of grey your face has become indicates you are in for a very long day, most likely without gratuities or happiness of any kind. Actual work may also be involved.
7. By cornering on two wheels and successfully evading police pursuit, get to previous stop in record time to pick up forgotten guests.
8. Grovel in unmanly fashion to forgotten guests, apologize profusely for mistake, blame foreign guests in back who speak little English and who will spend the day wondering why forgotten guests keep giving them dirty looks.
9. Ignore unsightly shade of grey on faces of already-boarded and now violently car-sick guests.
10. If access to powerful narcotic injections is limited or unavailable, commence pouring wine into guests to dull their memory of the Notable Event.
11. Skillfully make up time by abbreviating commentary to only the highlights, in following order: Funny joke. Funny joke. Apology for incompetence. Funny joke. Inject narcotics into thigh of front seat passenger. Funny joke. Name of next winery. Something about Pinot Noir. Groveling. Funny joke. Next stop.
12. When subject of gratuities comes up at the end of the tour, gratefully pay them to the guests in exchange for TripAdvisor reviews which ignore the Notable Event
13. After refueling and cleaning vehicle, consume with shaking hands the balance of narcotic supply and/or wine.
14. Carefully, and I mean carefully, study manifest for tomorrows tour.
15. Re-stock medications just in case.