Thursday, June 12, 2014

Observations Regarding New Home Water Closet after One Week of Occupancy (of the new home, not just the bathroom).

- My bathroom fixtures were designed for people four feet tall, not my towering 6’3” For instance, the toilet comes up to the middle of my shins, meaning when I am seated thereon I must part my knees, like bamboo in the jungle, in order to see straight ahead. I call this fixture the Shin-high Shunker, which would make an amusing rock band name (“Eric Clapton and the Shin-high Shunkers, ladies and gentlemen!!”)

- The sink comes up to my knees and is what my chin rests upon when seated on the toilet. When brushing my teeth or performing other sinkish ablutions I must either stand sideways to spit, or straddle the terlet with my Great Behind touching the back wall, in order to facilitate bending from the waist. I may take up ballet in order to plie elegantly to a spitting posture. I suppose, with practice, I could try gobbing my minty-fresh effluent from the doorway, but my marksmanship has eroded over time so I will just have to make do. 

- There is no exhaust fan, resulting in a buildup of steam during showers. There can also be a buildup of floral and other aromas, which have rendered me unconscious from time to time. When asked by roommates why I’m wearing a painter’s respirator in the bathroom I tell them I am allergic to the lilacs outside the open window.

- The shower is good! Particularly since the nozzle is higher than my nipples, a rare treat for tall guys in most homes and hotels. If I may boast for a moment, I once won the Moose Jaw Cleanest Nipples Award due to a dreadful shower in my tiny apartment there. As you may have surmised, there are not a lot of exciting things to do in Moose Jaw. The trophy is interesting, as was the judging.

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