Sunday, August 19, 2012

Household Hint #342 - Towel Washing

Step 1 - Pull room-sized load of clean towels from dryer and pile on top of counter. DO NOT FOLD.
Step 2 -Slowly (one towel per day) have children pilfer clean towels from pile and add used towels to separate used pile, knowing you will remember which pile is which because you are a grown-up who is paid to remember such things and also because you have clearly instructed offspring on methodology. Continue to not fold towels.
Step 3 - Add several more slightly used towels to slightly used pile. 
Step 4 - Continue clean towel pilferage. While pilfing from clean pile, discover crusty facecloth molded into shape of bathtub spigot.
Step 5 - Observe how formerly separate piles have now developed gravity and morphed into single enormous, slightly damp, steaming pile.
Step 6 - While taking normal avalanche precautions, dig down through Cretaceous layer (used) to (supposedly) clean layer and discover towels which smell of shampoo and other mystery ingredients.
Step 7 - Test all items in pile by high-tech method of sniffing. If tests are inconclusive, proceed to step 8
Step 8 - Using explosives and heavy machinery as necessary, load blended pile into washing machine and wash thoroughly.
Step 9 - Wash again, this time with detergent.
Step 10 - proceed to step 1

Repeat weekly.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Word Definitions

How to wash the inside of your vehicle while conversing with pre-teen children.

Take sip of water.
"Dad, what's a prostitute?"
"Well, it's a person who has sex for money."
Dad takes another sip of water.
"I thought that was a hooker?"
Pull over, wipe inside of windshield, discuss vocabulary.



Some people don't react well to the heat here in Kelowna.
For example, I was chilling out in my local grocery store today when along comes Mr. Bigshot Manager who kicks me out!
"What for?" I asked, nicely.
"You're laying in the frozen foods section, sir, and you're squishing the pizza's."
"I was going to buy that one anyway after I finished playing Funeral Parlor CSI," I said.
"We'd also like you to take the bag of frozen peas out of your shorts," he said. "Please don't come back."
Pizza and peas for dinner, again, I guess. Whatever.

Fat has its place...

It is not all bad being overweight. I've recently discovered a use for my excess personhood. 
I was sitting in my Scoliosis-brand, cheap folding chair at the beach yesterday, when Mr. Naptime quietly approached. 
Just as I nodded off I activated my drool glands for chest lubrication, then rested my head upon my second, third and fourth chins, which together acted as a rather effective pillow. 
Try THAT skinny people! Ha!