Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Columns I Am Currently Working On Which Track My Continuing Mental Decline

  • A few weeks ago I got my lawn aerated, a process by which a machine pulls plugs of dirt and grass out and leaves them scattered hither and yon (and there's nothing worse than scattered hithers and yons).  These plugs closely resemble the droppings of well-fed geese and cause consternation and a certain peculiar walking style when crossing the yard.  They also turn into .50 caliber goose doot ammunition when mowing the lawn for the first time this season, as I recently discovered.  I am currently trying to elucidate what happens when the neighbourhood and passersby are winged by this lawnmower enfilading fire.
  • I am fleshing out a column about the list of tasks we are trying to get our children to perform on a regular basis.  I know - it's a ridiculous premise destined for immediate and painful failure, but it is an amusing mental exercise to think that our offspring might someday do the dishes, turn off a light or two, or scoop the cat litter.  Actually, this initiative may prove too idiotic even for a humour column.
  • An investigative report is underway into the phenomenon of men (well, me) washing dishes by the scientific process of spraying hot water over the pots and watching erosion take its course.  This is a wonderful technique not only for its fascinating visual appeal to a zoning-out man, but is also effective at allowing the washer to watch the hockey game on TV while diligently performing his assigned kitchen duties.  We will investigate this trend and see how it compares to actually performing the task and not just running the water while the worker sneaks snacks from the fridge since his family has their back turned and are not paying attention.
  • A debate continues to rage in our home over the propriety of leaving discarded food in waste baskets that are not usually used as kitchen waste receptacles.  To wit, the leaving of banana peels (sans actual banana) in the waste basket in the washroom.  My wife and I recently had a frank exchange of viewpoints on this very matter, which sounded something like this: "Don't leave banana peels in the garbace can in there!" "Why not?" "Because they make the whole room smell.like bananas" "Well Honey - consider the alternative..."
These and other exciting bits of comedy will soon be winging their way to your living rooms!  Stay tuned!.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Childrens Education

I always learn something from my kids when we go out for a hike.  Yesterday was no different.

I learned the succinct method in which the earth was formed and how life came about.  I forget how the topic came up, but my son explained things nicely:

"It used to be just ocean, then there was a bunch of earthquakes, and then came the mountains."  That's it.  Simple yet elegant. 

Hikes in our family are edumicational. 

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mothers Day Miracle

Rita Chretien has been found alive and well!

Missing since mid-March, Mrs Chretien was found by hunters in the remote forests of Nevada, having survived by eating trail mix and water for seven weeks.

Mrs Chretien was in relatively good condition when found, but collapsed when told she had been elected as an NDP Member of Parliament.

The search for her missing husband continues. 

Playoff Beards...

Check out this guy's beard!  I think he plays for the Bruins...

More beards at this link:


Saturday, May 7, 2011

When Weather Forecasters Bathe...

Do they take widely scattered showers?

Just curious.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Latin Humour

There is a player on the Nashville Predators named Erat.  I always imagine him centring a line between Quod and Demonstrandum. It's the QED line...

You're right - I have too much time on my hands. I AM an intellectual though, eh.

New Literary Descriptor I Thought up for No Reason Whatsoever

"Like a cat pouncing on an early-morning erection..."

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Monday, May 2, 2011

What was Bin Laden Wearing During His Departure Ceremony?

We here at ET are hot on the trail of Bin Laden's fashion designer after the worlds Most Wanted man dearly departed yesterday.

The fashion world is atwitter in a desperate attempt to find out whose hat he was wearing on his last day, who was the best dressed in his ultra chic hideaway and so on.  Rumors swirling around the compound say he was wearing white Versace robes but that report is unconfirmed.

Fashion authorities are also wondering whose grenades made the biggest bang at the event, whose bullets went off without a hitch, and other details.

Speaking of swirling around the compound like the downwash of a helicopter, fashion designers are buzzing about what our daring soldiers were wearing, what accessories were hot, and what type of helicopter was used to whisk them to the ceremony. 

Stay tuned to ET for all the latest breaking news from this hot fashion development!

For Rent: Lovely, Private, Secure Compound in Abbottabad

This lovely city is the home of warm weather, beautiful mountain scenery, and private, secure compounds.

Our resort features the ultimate in luxury and discretion - guaranteed.  This premier getaway - no internet, no telephone, and very little heat signature visible from satellites or drones - is perfect for relaxing and leaving all your troubles behind!  You'll want to declare a fatwa against work! 

This is the perfect place for retreats of all kinds.  Whether you're a busy business leader or the harried head of a ragtag bunch of homicidal maniacs bent on world domination, our staff will attend to your every need.  Whether its cleaning your automatic weapon or arranging those special goat visits, we take care of our guests in every way.

We know you depend on security.  We've made a name as one of the most remote and secure compounds in the world.  You won't hear helicopters approaching or dogs barking or the click of metal implements around here - our reputation demands it, and so do you.  Whether its our high tech tin cans with rocks alarm system or crack security guards, you can be certain no one will ever find you here. 

Remember our motto: Rest Assured. 

Damage deposit required.  Some stains on carpet and upholstery from previous tenant who vacated on very short notice. Includes helicopter landing pad(s).  Enormous piles of brass shell casings included at no charge.  We regret that our dependable, discreet courier service is no longer available.

Donald Trump Demands to see Bin Laden Death Certificate

Donald Trump, a noted idiot blowhard and possible U.S. Presidential candidate, has announced he would like to see the long form death certificate of Osama Bin Laden, the now-dead terrorist leader.

"How do we know it's true?" asked the man who is best noted for his douchebaggery in the New York real estate market.  "I demand to see evidence, other than photo's and video of Bin Laden with holes in his head."

It is not known if the U.S. Government will release the long form version of the certificate.  No one knows if such a thing even exists.  'Truthers,' who claim that nothing ever happens without a government conspiracy, are concerned about the certificate as well.  A spokesperson said "We're so concerned about the certificate, you could say we're certifiable."

More news after the Bin Laden departure party.