Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Columns I Am Currently Working On Which Track My Continuing Mental Decline

  • A few weeks ago I got my lawn aerated, a process by which a machine pulls plugs of dirt and grass out and leaves them scattered hither and yon (and there's nothing worse than scattered hithers and yons).  These plugs closely resemble the droppings of well-fed geese and cause consternation and a certain peculiar walking style when crossing the yard.  They also turn into .50 caliber goose doot ammunition when mowing the lawn for the first time this season, as I recently discovered.  I am currently trying to elucidate what happens when the neighbourhood and passersby are winged by this lawnmower enfilading fire.
  • I am fleshing out a column about the list of tasks we are trying to get our children to perform on a regular basis.  I know - it's a ridiculous premise destined for immediate and painful failure, but it is an amusing mental exercise to think that our offspring might someday do the dishes, turn off a light or two, or scoop the cat litter.  Actually, this initiative may prove too idiotic even for a humour column.
  • An investigative report is underway into the phenomenon of men (well, me) washing dishes by the scientific process of spraying hot water over the pots and watching erosion take its course.  This is a wonderful technique not only for its fascinating visual appeal to a zoning-out man, but is also effective at allowing the washer to watch the hockey game on TV while diligently performing his assigned kitchen duties.  We will investigate this trend and see how it compares to actually performing the task and not just running the water while the worker sneaks snacks from the fridge since his family has their back turned and are not paying attention.
  • A debate continues to rage in our home over the propriety of leaving discarded food in waste baskets that are not usually used as kitchen waste receptacles.  To wit, the leaving of banana peels (sans actual banana) in the waste basket in the washroom.  My wife and I recently had a frank exchange of viewpoints on this very matter, which sounded something like this: "Don't leave banana peels in the garbace can in there!" "Why not?" "Because they make the whole room smell.like bananas" "Well Honey - consider the alternative..."
These and other exciting bits of comedy will soon be winging their way to your living rooms!  Stay tuned!.

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