tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50748076123559462672023-11-16T00:01:05.650-08:00The Occasional HumouristThe Online Home of Humour Writer
David CrawfordDavid Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.comBlogger413125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-52021272791140449862014-06-12T21:50:00.005-07:002014-06-12T21:50:39.934-07:00Observations Regarding New Home Water Closet after One Week of Occupancy (of the new home, not just the bathroom).<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><br /> <br />
- My bathroom fixtures were designed for people four feet tall, not my
towering 6’3” For instance, the toilet comes up to the middle of my
shins, meaning when I am seated thereon I must part my knees, like
bamboo in the jungle, in order to see straight ahead. I call this
fixture the <span class="text_exposed_show">Shin-high Shunker, which
would make an amusing rock band name (“Eric Clapton and the Shin-high
Shunkers, ladies and gentlemen!!”)</span></span><br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> - The sink comes up to my knees
and is what my chin rests upon when seated on the toilet. When brushing
my teeth or performing other sinkish ablutions I must either stand
sideways to spit, or straddle the terlet with my Great Behind touching
the back wall, in order to facilitate bending from the waist. I may take
up ballet in order to plie elegantly to a spitting posture. I suppose,
with practice, I could try gobbing my minty-fresh effluent from the
doorway, but my marksmanship has eroded over time so I will just have to
make do. </span></span><br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> - There is no exhaust fan, resulting in a buildup of
steam during showers. There can also be a buildup of floral and other
aromas, which have rendered me unconscious from time to time. When asked
by roommates why I’m wearing a painter’s respirator in the bathroom I
tell them I am allergic to the lilacs outside the open window.</span></span><br />
<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}"><span class="text_exposed_show"><br /> - The
shower is good! Particularly since the nozzle is higher than my
nipples, a rare treat for tall guys in most homes and hotels. If I may
boast for a moment, I once won the Moose Jaw Cleanest Nipples Award due
to a dreadful shower in my tiny apartment there. As you may have
surmised, there are not a lot of exciting things to do in Moose Jaw. The
trophy is interesting, as was the judging.</span></span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-22588696952029492342014-06-12T19:37:00.003-07:002014-06-12T19:37:22.800-07:00Simple Rules for Being a Professional Tour Guide<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">Based on a true story.<br /> <br /> 1. Always read your passenger manifest CAREFULLY, as this indicates who should be picked up where, and in what order.<br />
2. Failing to read the manifest carefully may result in you departing a
hotel with only three guests instead of the desired five.<br /> 3. In the event of 2 (above), wait for the cell phone in your pocket to begin<span class="text_exposed_show">
ringing frantically as you cruise over the bridge to your next stop.
This ringing is caused by the company owner frantically calling to say
you’ve forgotten to pick up two guests, who are ringing her phone
frantically to complain. Since you are a professional driver, you ignore
this frantically ringing telephone while driving frantically.<br /> 4. Also ignore the constant bonging of your cell phone as eleventy hundred text messages are received on the same subject.<br />
5. Finally answer your telephone and have the already-boarded guests
grow alarmed at the rapid departure of blood from your face as the
(really bad) news is received.<br /> 6. The unsightly shade of grey your
face has become indicates you are in for a very long day, most likely
without gratuities or happiness of any kind. Actual work may also be
involved.<br /> 7. By cornering on two wheels and successfully evading
police pursuit, get to previous stop in record time to pick up forgotten
guests. <br /> 8. Grovel in unmanly fashion to forgotten guests,
apologize profusely for mistake, blame foreign guests in back who speak
little English and who will spend the day wondering why forgotten
guests keep giving them dirty looks. <br /> 9. Ignore unsightly shade of grey on faces of already-boarded and now violently car-sick guests. <br />
10. If access to powerful narcotic injections is limited or
unavailable, commence pouring wine into guests to dull their memory of
the Notable Event.<br /> 11. Skillfully make up time by abbreviating
commentary to only the highlights, in following order: Funny joke. Funny
joke. Apology for incompetence. Funny joke. Inject narcotics into thigh
of front seat passenger. Funny joke. Name of next winery. Something
about Pinot Noir. Groveling. Funny joke. Next stop.<br /> 12. When subject
of gratuities comes up at the end of the tour, gratefully pay them to
the guests in exchange for TripAdvisor reviews which ignore the Notable
Event<br /> 13. After refueling and cleaning vehicle, consume with shaking hands the balance of narcotic supply and/or wine.<br /> 14. Carefully, and I mean carefully, study manifest for tomorrows tour. <br /> 15. Re-stock medications just in case.</span></span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-82682635509095478512014-04-21T15:26:00.002-07:002014-04-21T15:26:32.684-07:00Visions<span class="userContent" data-ft="{"tn":"K"}">It is forever burned into my memory… <br /> <br /> The end of the weekend with my kids, we had an hour left. Off to the beach we go…<br /> <br /> Early season, cold water. Doesn’t matter – off come my daughter’s shoes and off she goes – running, splashing, laughing.<br /> <br />
The sun setting behind her, I stare in awe at her silhouette, smiling.
My precious baby, now a tall and gorgeous young woman, looking for all
the world like<span class="text_exposed_show"> a frisky gazelle finding
its legs, transitioning from an awkward fawn into a laughing and
prancing vision of grace and joy. Oblivious to the world, absorbed in
the moment of just being free. Beautiful.<br /> <br /> I know there will be
more sights like this to treasure, but if in the grand scheme of things I
ever know the exact time of my passing from this world, it is this
vision which I will choose to have in my head as I go. <br /> <br /> My child. Laughing, loving life, being free and wonderful, dancing and splashing in the setting sun. <br /> <br />
And if this vision of my daughter is the last sight I hold in my
darkening mind, let my ears ring to the sound of my son’s laughter. <br /> <br />
Let me hear his warm and expressive and infinitely kind voice resonate
in my remaining world. Let the last thing I hear be his inquisitive mind
beginning a sentence with the word I most love to hear…<br /> <br /> “Dad…?” <br /> <br /> I have no money and few possessions, but I am a very rich and thankful man. </span></span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-52987569246510575852014-03-30T16:22:00.003-07:002014-03-30T16:27:47.963-07:00Cat Scratch Fever<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Once upon a tyme in a
far-offe suburb of Kelowna,
there livved a Large Man who was very poore after his marriage was smited, but
who lived in a nice basemente for cheape, verily. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">And lo did he share the cheape
basemente with a tattoo parlor in his living roome, and a younge Family
upstairs who have TWO cattes, whose visits didde fill the Large Man with Joy
and comfort and Great Waddes of cat haire in his foode and beverages. He did
not minde the haires, since he didde NOT have to scoope up catte doots from litter,
forsooth, nor did he have to tidy up the hacked Furballs, nor their barf, nor
feede them nor tayke them to the vettes ha ha ‘twas great, he thought. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">One of the cattes is striped
and is Parte TIGER from a far away lande, people say, and the TIGER cat does
tende to yammer loudly like a smalle human Childe, forsooth, whiche can be disconcerting
in the middle of the Nighte, lette me telle you.<br />
<br />
So on this day, the Large Man of the Basement did wish to graspe the SOFT
Blankie from his Bedde, so as to Warme his Footies or the footies of his
Childe. But lo, there was a small TIGER resting upon said Blankie, verily, so
the Large Man didde what any Large Man would do, and proceeded to pick up said
TIGER in his gentle hands, thinking it woulde be nice to gently place said
feline upon one of his restinge children for their warmth and comforte.<br />
<br />
Forsooth did the Large Man learn that the TIGER from a far away lande did NOT
wishe to be handled in the slightest, or anywhere else, and the TIGER did TELLE
the Large Man thus by the swift and effective slashing at his face and arms and
handes and necke and eyes and His Genitals, verily, with his VERY SHARPE claws
whiche were at leaste a FOOT long I tell you truthfully. <br />
<br />
And a loud SHRIEKING was heard upon the land by the Children of the Large Man,
tho it is not known whether it was the TIGER or the Large Man who didst yell
the loudest, tho verily it was the blood of the Very Large Man that did
Haemorrhage out from his person in Great Gouts from the cuttes upon his cheeke
and lip and necke and cheste and belly and Scrotum, verily. For tho the Large
Man had pretty muche decided on Nay further children, lo did the TIGER
permanently make up his minde for him by vasectomizing his person with his
clawes and possibly teeth in the blinke of an eye as the catte didde Plummet,
verily.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">Forsoothe is the Large Man
walkinge in a funny fashion nowe, and the Large Man contemplates his bandages,
and the suffering he will endure from the taype which holdes them in playce upon
his hangdownes and tackle, for verily he shoulde have shaved the forlorne area
before placing the sticky taypes there, but forsooth did he fret more about the
shayving than the Catte, didde he, so he didde notte.<br />
<br />
This May be more information than ye wished to knowe aboute Catte scratches,
verily.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: small;">The Ende.</span></div>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-55190408653880727642014-03-15T11:54:00.000-07:002014-03-15T11:54:00.174-07:00<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj23esnjQ-EE-vGnG3X17BuCDhiCPwze9IONpPcX2aAF6bO6lGadtMWzIGEOMn15LxvXS9XYaOFidpEkuxHGB2S2mf0etD9YxGP6UjgopAR8JYbORdHmbBWDeUwz08PXNpmwvnhXQxwOq/s1600/Knox+summit.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAj23esnjQ-EE-vGnG3X17BuCDhiCPwze9IONpPcX2aAF6bO6lGadtMWzIGEOMn15LxvXS9XYaOFidpEkuxHGB2S2mf0etD9YxGP6UjgopAR8JYbORdHmbBWDeUwz08PXNpmwvnhXQxwOq/s1600/Knox+summit.JPG" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
I've been meaning to tell you how, apropos of my ongoing lunatic behaviour(s), I recently climbed up Knox mountain twice. It was a nice day, and it just seemed to be the right thing to do. I'm sure Hitler and other despots were guided by this same lack of foresight, but I was considering athletic achievement and not Poland, so lighten up.<br /><br />I had trudged up the first time in my usual delicate manner, scattering birds, people and other wildlife with my delicate, size 16 clod-stomping footwear. <br /><br />Upon reaching the summit, once the other climbers had stopped screaming at the sight of me spraying sweat like a garden sprinkler, I realized I felt pretty good. No major arteries had burst in my chest cavity for once, spraying around like an unattended fire hose, so the idea of doing it again just seemed to take hold. (Those with a good memory may recall how I once climbed up Grouse Grind 5 times in one day, having employed a similar lack of rationality).<br /><br />Got to the bottom just fine, unloaded some of the Wilderness Necessities from my backpack (42-inch television, case of highway flares, outboard motor), quaffed some water with my usual flair and elan, and set off again up the hill. <br /><br />Along the way I must have turned my usual shade of Hideous Purple (now available at Benjamin Moore outlets), since I got some strange looks from people.<br /><br />“That is the largest red grape I’ve ever seen…Oh! Excuse me!” said one chap.<br /><br />One family thought I looked like a beloved television character.<br /><br />“Look Mom! It’s Barney! He's blotchy!” said a kid.<br /><br />Like parents everywhere with a deep and abiding hatred for the annoying purple dinosaur, Mom and Dad began arming themselves as I gallomped daintily away. “You get the club, Doris. I’ll kill it with fire…”<br /><br />So up the hill I aorted, my wheezing gasps mimicking the sound of an air raid siren (briefly causing a platoon of soldiers to man their ack-ack guns), but beyond that I felt fine. <br /><br />The warm sunshine was the perfect accompaniment to the sound of my tendons snapping on the descent, and the radiant heat from my thighs did start a few brush fires, skilfully extinguished by the lactic acid spurting from my well-developed musculature. <br /><br />Poland (excuse me!) HIKE, anyone?David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-86226524822426934692013-08-28T19:53:00.001-07:002013-08-28T19:53:37.696-07:00So! How's your week so far?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj70N_BV_nhvgUhNCzL21K_TP4UDTXFQqgevNEZKvpJ5MMM1DP77Ufn7ReXfamKfHn-TPP3K9bEme6upLBKn-2sRtMXYUcflL4Y3SPsci6_Oa9VxiScpyth3PzK_s4wtAiuvVv6X8uDPfZm/s1600/Shitshitshit.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj70N_BV_nhvgUhNCzL21K_TP4UDTXFQqgevNEZKvpJ5MMM1DP77Ufn7ReXfamKfHn-TPP3K9bEme6upLBKn-2sRtMXYUcflL4Y3SPsci6_Oa9VxiScpyth3PzK_s4wtAiuvVv6X8uDPfZm/s320/Shitshitshit.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-446765116957675022013-07-06T17:04:00.001-07:002013-08-05T04:48:43.017-07:00Farmers Market<h5 class="uiStreamMessage userContentWrapper" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">The
kids and I attended the local Farmers Market today, since you can never
get enough Natural, Vegan, Organic, Free-Range, Hemp, Granola and Bark
Mulch-based tie-died t-shirts sold by aging hippies from Nelson wearing
knitted hats and body odor. <br /> <br /> Since I tend to swim against the
stream, I also bought a loaf of full fat, all-the-gluten bread
containing every food dye and carcinogen known to science, from
a very lonely but satisfied-looking vendor in a far corner of the
parking lot, and it was the best bread ever. <br /> <br /> I made toast, slathered in deadly margarine, and I liked it. <br /> <br /> I may be arrested.</span></span></span></span></h5>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-14970364178637713182013-06-08T21:03:00.000-07:002013-08-28T19:48:40.213-07:00Fantasies Most Foul!<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I don’t know about you, but some of my best daydreams consist of plotting
sinister and often violent revenge against those who annoy me. Sadly, most of
these dreams remain unrealized.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">One of my more enduring and wonderful criminal fantasies began to take
shape after I moved into my new home. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I was enjoying a delicious and well-earned Saturday morning sleep-in
when my charming neighbour decided to spark up his electric weed whacker and noisily
trim his lawn. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Did I mention it was 5:00am? It was 5:00am. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">His trimmer sounded like a mosquito the size of a Volkswagen, and my (open)
bedroom window faces the small plot of land upon which he focused his oblivious,
whacking energies. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Instead of my delicious sleep-in, I stood at my window and, with spittle
flying and eyeballs bulging, vocally expressed my extreme displeasure at his
actions (“Excuse me? Would you mind turning off your machine please? I’m trying
to sleep! Thank you!”)</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">This shamefully un-Canadian outburst gave me some satisfaction, but
sadly he did not wither beneath my stream of vitriol. He is deaf - a condition
brought on by prolonged, unprotected weed whacking, or being bashed in the head
by temporarily insane neighbours armed with two-by-fours and garden implements.
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I lay back down and twitched in the fetal position, plotting and
scheming as my mind raced with various plans (most involving clubs with
enormous spikes through them) for ending my neighbour’s wretched, miserable,
and annoying life.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I mean really. It was 5am for Pete’s sake.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I have a different annoying neighbour who smokes, you know. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Normally I wouldn’t care about this, but this other soon-to-be-maimed
victim (in my dreams, at least) emerges from his lair very early each morning, lights
up a cigarette, then spends the next ten minutes loudly hocking up lung-slugs
the size of turnips by the sound of it. <br />
<br />
His dreadful and tortured coughing is, I admit, performed with considerable
artistry.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">He begins by inhaling great rattling lungful’s of tobacco smoke, rich
with impurities and tar, deep into his chest, past his internal organs and swallowed
metal objects, and buries the cloud down near his shins. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Thus stimulated, his wracked and quivering anatomy emits a ghastly rumbling
sound, similar to an Italian earthquake, or a train shunting oil cars, or
Senator Duffy pushing his chair back from a dining table. <br />
<br />
This cavernous thunder dislodges great chunks of quasi-solid material from the
walls of his blackened lungs, chunks which coalesce into the thick mucous magma
about to erupt volcanically from his esophagus in a cloud of tobacco ash and super-heated
sputum. (Warning! Do not attempt metaphors like this without proper literary
supervision. I am a trained professional).</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">The actual cough begins somewhere below his knees, rippling upwards with
dreadful speed and ominous sound, then bursts forth in a spray-laden blast
which darkens the landscape in a fan-shaped arc covering several hectares (I
have seen the aerial photographs). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Purple head now between his knees, dentures blown out and neck veins
distended, his tortured lungs then reverse the process and create a powerful
vacuum into which vast amounts of air, leaves, tree branches and gravel are
sucked, such that this pneumatic ebb and flow can repeat itself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Cigarette finished, airways refreshed and yard denuded, he eventually retreats
back inside his lung-stuccoed home until the tobacco urge returns one hour
hence, just as I am dozing off to sleep again.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">For this kind of behaviour I’m sure you will agree that medieval torture,
or him getting whacked upside the head with a spiked club, would be far too
kind. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">My delicious plans progress. Don’t tell anyone.</span></div>
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<![endif]--><span class="textexposedshow"></span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-72084711553534161892013-04-18T06:55:00.002-07:002013-08-28T19:50:19.291-07:00Old Growth Billboard Destruction<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Old
growth billboards are being callously destroyed in Westbank to make way for a
new hospital. </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">The huge
and stately billboards, situated in a beautiful location overlooking Okanagan
Lake, are home to colourful pictures, ancient fonts, and some rare advertising
sales-person species. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">The
removal of such long-standing billboards, to make way for something as
frivolous as a hospital (according to protesters), has raised hackles in both
the environmental and advertising communities.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">“Look at
the size of this hackle,” said one protester. “It’s standing straight up.”</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">“While
some of the advertising material such as slogans and seasonal sale
announcements can be recycled (again), most of the advertising will simply be
destroyed,” said a spokesman for one group. “This is a tragedy since everyone
has come to love the visual splendor of ‘Just across the Bridge!’ and ‘Next to
Wendy’s!’. They call this progress,” said the protester. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Efforts
to forcibly trap and move the rare species of advertising sales staff have met
with mixed results. Some of them have become so stressed they have been seen
working for radio stations. Others simply wind up down and out, working for newspapers.
</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">“It’s sad
that these experienced advertising experts, many of whom can tell you from
memory the cost per thousand views of any billboard, are being displaced,” said
a spokesperson for one group or another. “Just think of how this will affect
the wine and spirits ecosystem, and the breweries for that matter. The
downstream effects of this situation are not yet fully understood and should be
studied before they’re lost forever.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Yet
another spokesperson refused to answer my questions, preferring instead to work
on the spokes of her bicycle. “I’m really just a spokes person,” she said.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">The
police are also wading into the controversy.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">“Drivers
are being distracted by this development,” said Sergeant Major ‘Corporal’
Kernel. “Suddenly you have this bright, clear view of the lake, which is
blinding drivers who are used to the sheltering nature of the billboards,”
popped Kernel. “It is definitely a hazard.” </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">“We are
also having to deal with all the advertising salespeople as they wander around
offices downtown, abusing alcohol and shouting at citizens. Something about the
“Power of Outdoor” and other nonsense. We’ll be humanely tazing them soon, of
course, for their own safety.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Arial","sans-serif"; font-size: 10.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Only seven
thousand of these rare billboards remain in this roadside habitat, leading
environmentalists and advertising executives to form a rare partnership in
order to fight the destruction.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;"></span></div>
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<![endif]-->David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-77989060234239547152013-02-28T21:58:00.002-08:002013-03-01T07:07:07.107-08:00Vatican Newsletter<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">It’s
certainly great to have all of you back in town again for some full-contact conclaving.
The dart boards have been dusted off, the arm-wrestling tables are ready to
break any ties, and for those who haven’t been working out, we also have some
big souvenir coins for flipping.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Some of you
have never been to the Vatican
before, so we have put together this informative newsletter. </span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Special
thanks to my co-editor Cardinal Rasta from Jamaica for the help, and also for the
awesome new incense burning in the office here. Wow. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<ul>
</ul>
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- We’re asking all visiting
Cardinals to please not bait the Swiss Guards. They know they have funny
pants. You should hear what they say about <u>your</u> outfits.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- The duty roster for answering
the Mel Gibson, Dan Brown and Linda Blair private hot lines is posted in the
locker room. Just make stuff up when they call. Oh, and remember; only the
Pope is allowed to update Bono’s Facebook page. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- If you wear your skullcap to
the deli down the street they’ll think you’re Jewish and give you 10% off.
Try the knishes. Oy, they’re fabulous.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- Correction: An announcement in
the last issue, about an upcoming ballet recital by Sister Mary Ignetowski
from Warsaw,
was incorrect. The ‘pole dancing event’, which caused a stampede to the
gym and a sudden shortage of five dollar bills at the canteen, should have
read ‘A Pole, Dancing’ event. We regret the error. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- The Holy Father’s soap on a
rope is missing from the downstairs shower. Would whoever has it please
hang it up again and no questions will be asked. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- Cardinal Ouellette of Canada asks
his holy brothers to please stop saying “Amen, eh” when passing him in the
halls. The joke was old about a day after he got here, he reports.
Amusingly, he still says “Sorry” every time you bump into him.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- Our first Pay-per-view bill has
come in, guys, and as a result the Holy Father has once again changed the
passcode on the remote. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Would
whoever hacks the code please Tweet it to the rest of us. Also, Vinny in
accounting says there’s no way those women are amateurs.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- Just a reminder that referring
to a turkey’s neck as the ‘Pope’s Nose’ is still considered offensive.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- Please use restraint and good
taste when vandalizing Cardinals campaign posters. Black Sharpies only,
and no cartoons or thought balloons please.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- The recreation committee needs
volunteers to move the pews in St Peter’s for the weekend ball hockey
tournament. See Father Flying Phil for details. And hey - watch the
cross-checking… (that’s a little newsletter humour there).</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- In cafeteria news, ‘Eggs Me’ is
now off the menu. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- For those of you going on the
skeet shooting excursion this weekend, a supply of devices used to keep
water out of your shotgun barrel has been obtained. These clever rubber
things come rolled up in a small package, and are available in the gym changing
room. Simply roll one of these over the end of your weapon to prevent any
unfortunate incidents out on the trap range.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">- The apparition recently seen in
the cafeteria, which some wag referred to jokingly as the ‘Flying
Spaghetti Monster,’ has been investigated by our top scientists. They
report there is no solid evidence to prove the existence of such a spirit,
they think whoever reported it had swamp gas, and do not question their
authority. Case closed. </span><br />
<ul style="margin-top: 0in;" type="disc">
</ul>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-57196098768491594552012-12-25T20:49:00.000-08:002012-12-25T20:49:11.360-08:00Restaurant Review - Chez Crawford<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Christmas Dinner at Chez Crawford was, despite my low
expectations, fabulous. <br /><br />It began with my entrance into the restaurant and being
enchanted by the décor. The room was large and featured bits of potato chip
visible beneath the comfy chair, a partial couch covered in cat hair and
elegantly tousled Snuggies, and a bar stool upon which I settled my considerable
bottom.</span></span></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">My server, though scratching and distracted by a good war
movie on the TV, was elegantly attired in the finest sweat pants and tent-like
tropical shirt. I had a difficult time deciding on something to drink, given my
choice of Bailey’s, white wine of unknown age and vintage which had been in the
fridge for several months, and milk straight from the jug since the dishwasher
was still running. Naturally, I chose the milk since that is always the perfect
accompaniment to any meal.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">For an entrée (appetizers were not offered), I chose
the Hungry Man special – advertised as consisting of ‘One Pound of Food a
Manger’ (see accompanying photo)("...a Manger<span style="font-size: x-small;">"</span> is French for 'Ici guerre mondial numero deux').</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Dinner was served promptly after 9 minutes, plus the time it
took to peel back the plastic cover and stir the stuffing and potatoes.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">Pausing only long enough to take the enclosed picture, I
dove into my meal with relish (ketchup would have been a better choice). </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">The turkey slices, beautifully prepared by having some sort
of white meat substance lightly extruded through an industrial blender tube,
were sliced and arrayed steaming before me. They were delicious and tender as
only mystery meat byproducts can be. The gravy was rich and filled with vital
grease nutrients which I soon felt coursing through my veins. I took the
opportunity to use the shooting pains then travelling down my arm to bag six
ducks flying overhead.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">The mashed potatoes were acceptable, while the corn niblets
could have used a little more cooking since, I believe, the server cut quite a
large slit in the plastic cover. A more modest opening would have been
superior. <br />
<br />
For desert, the cranberry apple mush was sweet and tangy and absolutely
perfect! The bits of corn and stuffing mixed in only added to its enormous appeal.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: 10.0pt;">All in all I would say that dining at Chez Crawford holds
enormous appeal and receives many stars for its warm atmosphere and delightful
host. </span></span></div>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-20489585168728224442012-08-19T13:52:00.001-07:002012-08-22T09:36:27.871-07:00Household Hint #342 - Towel Washing<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-1RzTSnGAPBnGgI7aYlBWN824hvfVNz5rti6Tvf_KkxtCGC_v4mSqG4UcqJ1gZwO3hyphenhyphenKLFrhfdPGfSVXfG5usKn6k7JgZoAD4B7dXRxbY7oDEqiOlLRsoKt5Ddxe2-3PCiZMGlz7L3pyk/s1600/pile+of+clothes.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-1RzTSnGAPBnGgI7aYlBWN824hvfVNz5rti6Tvf_KkxtCGC_v4mSqG4UcqJ1gZwO3hyphenhyphenKLFrhfdPGfSVXfG5usKn6k7JgZoAD4B7dXRxbY7oDEqiOlLRsoKt5Ddxe2-3PCiZMGlz7L3pyk/s1600/pile+of+clothes.jpg" /></a></div>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"><span class="usercontent">Step 1 - Pull room-sized load of clean towels from
dryer and pile on top of counter. DO NOT FOLD.</span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"><span class="usercontent"></span></span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small; font-weight: normal;"><span class="usercontent">Step 2 -Slowly (one towel per day) have children pilfer
clean towels from pile and add used towels to separate used pile, knowing you will
remember which pile is which because you are a grown-up who is paid to remember
such things and also because you have clearly instructed offspring on
methodology. Continue to not fold towels.</span></span><span style="font-weight: normal;">
</span><span style="font-size: small;"><span class="usercontent"></span></span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="usercontent">Step 3 - Add several more slightly used towels to
slightly used pile.</span> </span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 4 - Continue clean towel pilferage. While pilfing from clean pile,
discover crusty facecloth molded into shape of bathtub spigot.</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 5 - Observe how formerly separate piles have now developed gravity and
morphed into single enormous, slightly damp, steaming pile.</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 6 - While taking normal avalanche precautions, dig down through Cretaceous
layer (used) to (supposedly) clean layer and discover towels which smell of
shampoo and other mystery ingredients.</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 7 - Test all items in pile by high-tech method of sniffing. If tests are
inconclusive, proceed to step 8</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 8 - Using explosives and heavy machinery as necessary, load blended pile
into washing machine and wash thoroughly.</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 9 - Wash again, this time with detergent.</span></h6>
<h6 style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;">Step 10 - proceed to step 1<br /><br />
Repeat weekly.</span>
</h6>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-85473098572712616152012-08-15T07:24:00.000-07:002012-08-15T07:24:43.327-07:00Word Definitions<span class="userContent">How to wash the inside of your vehicle while conversing with pre-teen children.<br /> <br /> Take sip of water.<br /> "Dad, what's a prostitute?"<br /> *SPRAY*<br /> "Well, it's a person who has sex for money."<br /> Dad takes another sip of water.<br /> "I thought that was a hooker?"<br /> *SPRAY*<br /> Pull over, wipe inside of windshield, discuss vocabulary.</span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-77157341824699418312012-08-15T07:18:00.001-07:002012-08-15T07:18:26.933-07:00Bacon<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvodg5YalJK5GvkFLYkXMx922MjIM-4mmOGvGr7M87eP5RC0fU24BvUFmIF6iZIrp2TdEuOX3fRkGYrep5e5c-JZLeB5-frqjeoFZ6NrjrCIPROpdbik3I0NtLyXv0WflJ1PHFX6Sa_7Bx/s1600/poemsarehard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvodg5YalJK5GvkFLYkXMx922MjIM-4mmOGvGr7M87eP5RC0fU24BvUFmIF6iZIrp2TdEuOX3fRkGYrep5e5c-JZLeB5-frqjeoFZ6NrjrCIPROpdbik3I0NtLyXv0WflJ1PHFX6Sa_7Bx/s1600/poemsarehard.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-4125581273180783102012-08-15T07:14:00.002-07:002012-08-15T07:14:43.518-07:00Chill<span class="userContent">Some people don't react well to the heat here in Kelowna. <br /> For example, I was chilling out in my local grocery store today when along comes Mr. Bigshot Manager who kicks me out! <br /> "What for?" I asked, nicely.<br /> "You're laying in the frozen foods section, sir, and you're squishing the pizza's."<br /> "I was going to buy that one anyway after I finished playing Funeral Parlor CSI," I said.<br /> "We'd also like you to take the bag of frozen peas out of your shorts," he said. "Please don't come back."<br /> Pizza and peas for dinner, again, I guess. Whatever.</span>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-84479002361451243682012-08-15T07:11:00.005-07:002012-08-15T07:11:55.830-07:00Fat has its place...<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">It
is not all bad being overweight. I've recently discovered a use for my
excess personhood. </span></span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">I was sitting in my Scoliosis-brand, cheap folding
chair at the beach yesterday, when Mr. Naptime quietly approached. </span></span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Just
as I nodded off I activated my drool glands for chest lubrication, then
rested my head upon my second, third and fourth chins, which together
acted as a rather effective pillow. </span></span></span></h6>
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1,"tn":"K"}" style="font-weight: normal;">
<span style="font-size: small;"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">Try THAT skinny people! Ha!</span></span></span></h6>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-22547358756738753922012-05-13T12:01:00.004-07:002012-05-13T12:01:32.153-07:00Memory<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
I’m not that old, but my short term memory is starting to go on me. <br />
<br />
Also, my short term memory is starting to go on me.<br />
<br />
Even active counter-measures do not seem to help. There I’ll be, brushing my
teeth with an electric toothbrush, when I notice it needs to be charged. So I
get the charger thing out of the drawer, plug it in, and make a mental note to
place the toothbrush upon it when I am finished. <br />
<br />
Ablution complete, I rinse the toothbrush then place it gently in the
drawer, about two feet from the empty charging device which I have, in the span
of three seconds, completely forgotten about. <br />
<br />
What was I writing about just now? I seem to have lost my train of thought.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the economic system is filled with idiots, as I was saying, and
MEMORY! I was talking about my failing memory.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Right.<br />
<br />
There is also a problem with the auto-pilot in my cranial innards. I’ll be
driving the kids to some activity or other (Tae Kwon Kicking The Crap Out Of
Each Other, say) but, since we are taking the same route we use to go shopping,
we’ll wind up at the mall, activity-less, with puzzled looks on our faces. <br />
<br />
The kids have learned to not focus on their electronic supercomputers while
I am driving them anywhere. <br />
<br />
Now, as we approach the turnoff for an activity, which I have completely
forgotten about since we are on the same route as we take to the grocery store,
they loudly announce “Dad! Autopilot!” so I remember to turn. By reminding me
to turn (and not ‘waking me up’ as has been alleged), I snap back to reality
and we safely reach our destination. <br />
<br />
We were heading out the other day, in fact, when I had an actual lucid
moment. I had remembered the grocery list, the dry cleaning, <u>and</u> the
actual children this time, as we departed for some activity, the name of which
I forget. Whatever.<br />
<br />
Opening the van, I dumped everything inside and took off. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then I backed up, let the kids in, and
departed again. For some reason I had a toothbrush charger in my hand so I
tossed it in the back seat. Off we went. <br />
<br />
I can’t remember what happened, but I do remember forgetting the kitty
litter, which was on the grocery list I left in the van when I went into the
grocery store. I remembered the bananas and milk, but kitty litter was item
three on the list and my mental list capacity is two (on a good day). So I
failed miserably, although I did get some dish soap since I knew I was supposed
to get <u>something</u> down that aisle and dish soap seemed to make sense at
the time.<br />
<br />
And by the way, while I think of it, I believe it is high time the inventor
of clumping kitty litter receives the Nobel Prize for chemistry, if they have
not already done so. Do you think these insightful thoughts are part of my
distraction problem? Call me for coffee so we can discuss this. I’ll check my
calendar when I get home. Home. Why am I in this van? <br />
<br />
“Dad! Auto pilot!” <br />
<br />
Ah! Shopping complete we head home, the kids happily playing amongst the dirty
clothes I didn’t drop off, and me alertly snoring through red lights as we sail
safely along. <br />
<br />
I have a column due soon but I forget what I was going to write about. <br />
<br />
I think I’ll go brush my teeth. <br />David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-43345409275429876262012-02-08T08:45:00.000-08:002012-02-08T08:45:42.618-08:00Hilarious KidsWe're on our way to school, and the morning show we're listening to is/are talking about French parenting. What they (the French) do is called Le Pause or something - it's just basically chilling out and not letting your kids run your life.<br />
<br />
Anyway, while listening to this, my son is about to burst - he needs to jump in and ask a question.<br />
I'm expecting something like "Dad, did you and Mom use that technique on us?" or something pertaining to what I was listening to. <br />
<br />
Here's what came out:<br />
<br />
"Dad did you know there's a place in Afghanistan called Bum?"<br />
<br />
I almost drove off the road I was laughing so hard.David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-85308345337296782832012-02-07T08:32:00.000-08:002012-02-07T08:32:12.258-08:00Okanagan Prison AnnouncedDetails are beginning to emerge about the new prison, announced yesterday in Oliver - the Wine Capital of Canada:<br />
<br />
Cellmates to be called 'Pairings'<br />
Prison choir to be called The Aromatics<br />
The term 'crush' now refers to parole hearings<br />
Newest Okanagan grape varietal: 'Penal Noir'<br />
Ideal wine aging now minimum 25 years to life<br />
Prison winery vintages to include 'Shiv,', 'Shank,' and 'Isolation'<br />
Contraband to be smuggled in with cork and bottle shipments<br />
Local Denny's renames breakfast 'Grand Slammer' <br />
Vineyard workers already lining up for admission due to better working conditions<br />
<br />
<h6 class="uiStreamMessage" data-ft="{"type":1}"><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><br />
<span class="text_exposed_show"></span></span></h6>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-39701565511214094912012-01-19T15:26:00.000-08:002014-06-12T19:57:31.965-07:00How to Sneeze<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlwc5b1vRvDHaA2KowhEqFcbQSd4H7uUHFI17Q6Txei-P2l5i_ynQQHCwmqYbKASlyOJtaxxojyIKRZm_JAgqOtqzq4OoXz1Tj8Kzun5jDw_Gi1I_5aeo7pYFnDGmJkvnzT6pd0xa0WGj9/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlwc5b1vRvDHaA2KowhEqFcbQSd4H7uUHFI17Q6Txei-P2l5i_ynQQHCwmqYbKASlyOJtaxxojyIKRZm_JAgqOtqzq4OoXz1Tj8Kzun5jDw_Gi1I_5aeo7pYFnDGmJkvnzT6pd0xa0WGj9/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
This column was a semi-finalist in the Robert Benchley Humor Writing Contest in 2010.<br /><br />Sneezing is the most expressive of the human body’s
functions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make sure yours are extra
special.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Upon realizing that sternutation is imminent, today’s fashionable
sneezer will pause in conversation and raise their eyebrows.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This serves as a warning to bartenders and
other nobility that a Great Event is about to unfold, and observers should
vacate the immediate blast area.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
During this pre-sneeze period, as your inhalation
progresses, dramatically over-express yourself, like an opera singer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be expansive in your chest.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wave your arms about and draw attention to
your twitching features.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yell or scream,
again like an opera singer.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If a sneeze
(or opera) is not immediately forthcoming, take something slender such as a chopstick
or Calista Flockhart and thrust it repeatedly up your nostril to initiate the
proceedings.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
At the height of your inhalation, squint your eyes and cease
all motion. This is the pause before the Great Storm.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is the final notice that something wondrous
is about to be born, or that you are choking on an oyster.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Be absolutely still, nose elevated slightly,
arms aflutter, teary eyes about to close in the final moments before the
triumphant finale.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The sound of a proper sneeze is important.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Most amateur sneezers still use the outdated
Cleveland Technique of letting fly with a constrained and demure “Ssshhhhew!”
sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This method is rarely used in
competition nowadays, although it is still popular with denture wearers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
What you want in competitions is the loudest possible
expulsion from your chest, such that a single sneeze is all that is
required.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the sneeze is accompanied
by the popping sound of herniating spinal discs, so much the better.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Attempting to suppress all sound by holding the nose and
forcing the blast up into the cranium can pose a danger to the sneezer and
those around them – particularly in theaters.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Earwax bullets shot into patrons on either side of the participant have
caused needless injury, and were the impetus for the Stockholm Sneezing
Protocols of 1929.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These protocols now
eliminate the need to wear combat helmets at most recitals, while rifling of competitor’s
ear canals has worked wonders to improve accuracy.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As with other seizures, for a high score, one must enunciate
using proper verbiage.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Asian-sounding
surnames are prized, with the Japanese “Hyyy-ASHiii!” being most common in
tournaments.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of Middle Eastern origin is the popular and sophisticated
“Haa-BLAH-haaa!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For truly memorable
scores, professionals add a slight upward intonation at the conclusion, as
though asking the romantic question, “Haa-BLAH-haaa?”</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In closing, let me offer a cautionary note about arm
movements, which was related to me by several members of the royal family. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It never fails that a sneeze occurs while one’s hands are
occupied holding flowers, glasses of bourbon, or bottles of ketchup. While one
hand must remain stationary under these circumstances, the other hand will
involuntarily thrust upward from the waist in a rapid motion which may injure
passersby.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Swift uppercuts administered
by sneezing enthusiasts have rendered more than a few bystanders (and sneezers)
unconscious, so do be careful, or sneeze only while boxing.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
America
can hold its head high when it comes to sneezing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether amateur or professional, the people
of this great country lead the world.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Bless you!</div>
David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-3911749465118193312012-01-14T20:09:00.000-08:002012-01-26T12:40:42.688-08:00Pipeline Progress<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0MBprTcNoA9ysoxigMJpw4k4NygmYpgXQxwKywQIqKaX1OCd4B7KPJ8kS-MWXbmuEVZiucb-nU40o2446FkU0nmO4dLrtqLQIEIdDAjGMGMqIz9kv3GwxvpKfoJDPKI0Qou2Um_85iRn/s1600/Supertanker.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="229" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjb0MBprTcNoA9ysoxigMJpw4k4NygmYpgXQxwKywQIqKaX1OCd4B7KPJ8kS-MWXbmuEVZiucb-nU40o2446FkU0nmO4dLrtqLQIEIdDAjGMGMqIz9kv3GwxvpKfoJDPKI0Qou2Um_85iRn/s320/Supertanker.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
“We are on location at the opening ceremonies of the Northern Pipeline, here in Kitimat, BC. We have put microphones onto various officials to record their comments for posterity. Let’s listen in before the ceremony begins…<br />
<br />
“It was an accident! They were pounding in the ‘Warning! Pipeline Located Here’ signs when they heard a ‘Ping!’ sound and…”<br />
<br />
“Don’t tell me – they ruptured the pipeline?”<br />
<br />
“We’ll have it under control in no time, boss. It sure makes a pretty geyser though – look at these pictures I took on my phone…against the pristine mountain backdrop! I think it’s beautiful”<br />
<br />
“Never mind that. How is everything on the first tanker?”<br />
<br />
“It’s just coming into the harbour now, sir.”<br />
<br />
“What is the name of it again?”<br />
<br />
“It’s the Exxon Edmund Fitzgerald.”<br />
<br />
“Ah. Where is it registered?”<br />
<br />
“Bolivia, sir.”<br />
<br />
“Bolivia? Bolivia is a landlocked hell hole filled with nothing but illiterate, migrant workers producing a highly addictive substance that is driving us all to economic ruin!”<br />
<br />
“Oops – correction. It’s registered in Ft. McMurray.”<br />
<br />
“Same thing…”<br />
<br />
Meanwhile on board ship, we see the Captain in front of his crew, pointing with two fingers…<br />
<br />
“We have emergency exits located at the front of the ship – what we call the pointy end in the shipping business – also the middle and back of the vessel. In the unlikely event of a rare, non-scheduled shore landing you can use your mattress as padding for when you leap onto the rocks. <br />
<br />
“During our transit we ask you to keep your cell phones on at all times, since our own GPS navigation system doesn’t seem to be working at the moment.”<br />
<br />
“While under way you can help yourself to beverages and snacks at any time. We have an excellent selection of single malt scotches, vodka, bourbon, beer, cider and rum, of course, since we do have our sea-going traditions to uphold! We do ask the harbor pilots to not over-serve themselves, and the tugboat captains to not start drinking until we have left the immediate harbour area. <br />
<br />
“I’ll remind you crew members of our excellent safety record on board this vessel – we have not had a spill of any beverage in over three years, so let’s all do our best to keep a clean record, people. I said lets do our best. People? Hello? Do you speak English? English! DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH? NO HABLA? Hello?”<br />
<br />
Back on shore…<br />
<br />
“We are most fortunate to have with us today our docking safety consultant, Mr. Andrew ‘Sleepy’ Bigbumper. Mr. Bigbumper is the former docking supervisor with BC Ferries and as the ship approaches our terminal…uh, Mr. Bigbumper perhaps you could explain why the ship is coming at the pier at such a high rate of speed?”<br />
<br />
“Why thank you Mr. Chairman, and yes, to answer your question, in order to maneuver properly, a ship must carry some speed while ramming the dock and this is quite normal for us in the ferry business. The key is to judge how much speed you should use and I think our captain is doing just fine, although he does appear to have dropped his spectacles and this bright sun is in his eyes…”<br />
<br />
“Well, everything appears to be going smoothly here in Kitimat, so it’s back to you in the studio…”David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-38767843042532307292011-12-11T19:34:00.000-08:002012-01-14T20:06:23.446-08:00Interview with our New Mayor<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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</style> <![endif]--> <div class="MsoNormal">In an exclusive interview with this reporter and several dozen other members of the media, the new mayor of our city recently held a press conference to discuss the affairs of the day.<br />
<br />
I asked the first penetrating question.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Mr. Mayor, what is the capital of Djibouti please?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m doing a crossword.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Djibouti City you idiot.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Next question?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">An actual reporter stuck up his hand. "Mr Mayor, you've said publicly that you are not in favour of all the red tape at City Hall. What do you intend to do about it?"<br />
<br />
"Well, I think there are too many committees at city hall, which is slowing down development.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My first job as Mayor will be to form a committee to deal with these committees. I’ll call it the Committee Committee."<br />
<br />
"Will this be a standing committee?" <br />
<br />
"Yes, it will be the Standing Committee Committee."<br />
<br />
"Will the members of this committee stand during proceedings?"<br />
<br />
"No, it will be a sitting Standing Committee Committee."<br />
<br />
"So you have high hopes for this committee then?"<br />
<br />
"I believe it will be an outstanding sitting Standing Committee Committee."<br />
<br />
"You sound committed."<br />
<br />
"Well, you can't have an uncommitted outstanding sitting Standing Committee Committee now can you?"<br />
<br />
“What other plans do you have Mr. Mayor?”<br />
<br />
"Well I’m on a mission to commission a commission for the Mission to find a way to transition away from the Planning Commission.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ll call it my Mission Planning Commission Abolition Commission Commission mission.” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“What else is on your agenda, Mr. Mayor?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“I think we should nuke Rutland from orbit, just to be safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m sorry – did you hear that?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pardon me!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m still working on my inner Mayor voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I meant to say is, I plan on working closely with the citizens of Rutland to move forward with their, uh, initiatives. We’ll put the information out using Fritter.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Twitter?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Whatever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Tomato, tomahto, twitter, twa…next question please?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“What about your promise of cutting taxes?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Cut taxes?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never said anything about cutting taxes!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I said I’d like to cut TAXI’S.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe we have too many of them on the road and we should reduce that right away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’m using science to determine the optimal number of taxis out there, a process I’ll be calling the Max-Taxi Cab Flab Lab.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t blab about it.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Have you ever thought about being a rapper, sir?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“I’d love to be a gum wrapper. Doublemint is my favourite.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Thank you for your time sir.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And let me compliment you on your tutu.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You haven’t figured out a way to end your column have you?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“No sir, I have not.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Take out that tutu remark and I’ll let you hold the gold shovel at the next sod-turning.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Can I wear a hard hat?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Sure.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Deal.”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-51381865624617929372011-12-03T16:26:00.000-08:002011-12-03T16:26:40.805-08:00Winter MemoryWith cold weather now upon us, I am often reminded of foolish things I used to do when I was younger. Things like getting my tongue stuck to an ice cold woman. I don't know why I did it - she was just there and I felt the urge. <br />
<br />
I learned my lesson, though, and now prior to licking I warm them up with a blow torch. David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-9313915001663232912011-11-29T11:30:00.000-08:002011-12-01T06:56:44.269-08:00Vacuum Control<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8hLOBq6es67u9-C8DJE9W0o5IfZok_B1M2R16LfiPnZ-3zhIR4djqqyl01kPnqFMxqpqJL8hFzpX0XTucApyuJDSt0Qkp1LWMvHu0_f0TyG_7Hjm0QXzSlucXOVYqxNSsAFe4ysGr23bb/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh8hLOBq6es67u9-C8DJE9W0o5IfZok_B1M2R16LfiPnZ-3zhIR4djqqyl01kPnqFMxqpqJL8hFzpX0XTucApyuJDSt0Qkp1LWMvHu0_f0TyG_7Hjm0QXzSlucXOVYqxNSsAFe4ysGr23bb/s1600/images.jpg" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The targets didn’t stand a chance.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I had carefully planned my route, staying stealthy, low down, hidden. I reconnoitered the target area, dialed in the killing zone, became one with my prey. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was stalking.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">My mission? To eliminate the hordes of fruit flies that had invaded our kitchen. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was heavily armed. My weapon of choice? A pistol-gripped, one inch caliber, built-in vacuum cleaner with a three inch barrel and thirty foot hose with decorative, floral cloth covering. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It is a high-tech, powerful, insect killing machine. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I am…The Fly Sniper.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">On some missions I utilize a silencer – a plastic tube attachment normally used for high-angle work like valences. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">For some, these add-ons help to lessen the mental blow that dealing death brings into a sniper’s psyche. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Not me. I don’t need a shrink to help me understand what I’m doing. No need to ‘get in touch with my feelings’ here. I admit I’m a killer, and I’m OK with that. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Today, the enemy seemed to be congregating on the wall above the garbage can – no doubt licking their disgusting little fly lips, moaning and loosening their belts after a satisfying meal of banana peel and discarded bits of salad. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">They erupt into flight at my approach, but my weapon is upon them! Ha Ha! Come within an inch of the business end of this Roving Vortex of Destruction and in you go! No chance of escape! </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I narrowly avoided a tragedy as the nozzle came a little close to my wife’s chest area. By accident. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Over the fruit bowl I slowly circle my Wand of Death. In go the juice-sucking vermin as they rise to do battle. An over-ripe small plum also rises into my weapon with a strangely satisfying “Glurp!” sound.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Fighter Command radar sees flies everywhere as I circle the kitchen. Big game flies, fruit flies, those little jiggers you can barely see, all hurtle into the Hose of Doom.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Seeing the demonic look in my eyes, the children wisely scurry out of range. My wife is not so lucky and bears a perfectly round, purple mark on her hip as a result. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Mission complete, I disassemble my weaponry and return to my observation post in front of the television.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">You know, there are some who decry the use of domestic cleaning equipment for killing. They say vacuums were meant for cleaning and not hunting. They call me a mass murderer.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">To them I say – vacuums don’t kill insects. All the filth in the canister they bash into at six hundred miles an hour kills insects. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I realize vacuums can be turned on their owners, and I also know most suction hicky’s are self-inflicted. Those are risks I’m willing to take in the name of personal protection and dust-free carpets, drapes, and many horizontal surfaces which can be dusted with that brush attachment thing. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">All the talk of vacuum control in this country is a waste of time. There are too many unregistered built-ins, not to mention portables and Dustbusters, for any kind of control plan to make a difference. If cleaners want a vacuum, they’ll be able to get one somewhere. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And if the Government wants to register my vacuum, they’ll have to pry the plastic hand-grip with convenient on/off thumb switch from my cold, dead, purple-spotted hands. </div>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5074807612355946267.post-62626341049105379742011-11-19T08:48:00.000-08:002011-11-19T08:48:50.264-08:00Occumuse<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:OfficeDocumentSettings> <o:DoNotRelyOnCSS/> </o:OfficeDocumentSettings> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:PunctuationKerning/> <w:ValidateAgainstSchemas/> <w:SaveIfXMLInvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:IgnoreMixedContent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> <w:DontGrowAutofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:LatentStyles DefLockedState="false" LatentStyleCount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><img src="http://img2.blogblog.com/img/video_object.png" style="background-color: #b2b2b2; " class="BLOGGER-object-element tr_noresize tr_placeholder" id="ieooui" data-original-id="ieooui" /> <style>
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<div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If the Occupy Wall Street people occupied the radius of a circle the movement would be called Occupi</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If they occupied a dessert confection it would be Occupie</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If they changed diapers it would be Occupee and Occupoo</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If they were a gentle Scottish insult it would be “Och!<span> </span>You pie!” </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If they descend on the Vatican it will be the Occupope</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If they could fit in a tube it would become the Occupipe</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">If Gynecologists get involved it will be the Occupap</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">When they get vagrancy tickets they will have to Occupay</span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: small;"><span style="font-family: Arial;">Occupé is also the name of their new perfume – its aroma is in tents</span></span></div>David Crawfordhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00442942386574621030noreply@blogger.com0