Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I have completed one of the greatest acts of sabotage known to this neighbourhood.
Speaking as a guy with a childish sense of humour (sorry - I'm being redundant), I came up with a devious plan involving a neighbour's inflatable Santa.
Operating under the cover of darkness, moving like a shadow, as only a grossly overweight, huge man dressed in one of his kids ill-fitting Ninja costumes can, I slithered (well, stomped) towards my target.
Carefully I sliced a small hole in the backside of Santa, and inserted (ahem) the working end of an old whoopee cushion. I then glued the edges of the rubber to the fabric of Santa, for a good, air-tight seal.
Feeling much like a Proctologist now, and acting like one too I suppose, I squirted liberal amounts of lubricant into Santa's new, er, opening, then made my escape, just as a great brapping plume of air made its escape from Santa.
It was fantastic! A great, thundering raspberry rent the air and did not stop! As I swished branches over my footprints and safely made my escape, huge volumes of wet-sounding wind escaped from Santa's new posterior. Awesome!
You know, with a wine cork and some fishing line, I could amuse myself endlessly with dog walkers, carolers, newspaper deliverers - all sorts of people! Oh the imagination runs wild!
It's a good thing I'm a mature man with the resources to carry out such a dastardly scheme.
Young guys just don't have the experience for this sort of thing.