Saturday, November 7, 2009

Gift Guide 2009

Given the state of the economy, Santa Claus will be delivering various lengths of two-by-four lumber in lieu of toys this year. Environmentally friendly!

Collect all eight exciting lengths! Ideal for bashing your sister or the dog! Fun for the whole family. Batteries not included. Tweezers sold separately.

It has been that sort of year, but it appears things are starting to come around, such that we can maybe afford beans for Christmas dinner instead of pine beetles and dirt. Life is good! Consume! Celebrate!

So, given the wretched economic state (Michigan), what do you get everyone for Christmas?

Here is a guide to the most sought-after gifts I could make up for members of your family.

Dad: Dads are great to shop for. They’re all simple clunks and are pathetically easy to satisfy. A pair of pliers. A beer mug. Some fresh and exciting new lingerie from Bruce’s Secret catalogue, page 17. Whatever. Don’t worry about Dad. Anything works for him.

Mom: Definitely trouble here. Poor clothing gift choices, for example, will be exchanged, returned, frowned upon, or crammed down your throat complete with hanger, depending on the size you chose for your blushing bride.

A subscription to Facebook might be nice for her since I hear everyone talking about that particular magazine. There’s also a new one called Twitter that might work as well although I think that title slyly refers to the recipients rather than the content.

There is one gift category that defies all logic and explanation in the female realm, one that wins women’s hearts and minds every single time, and that is, of course, quality kitchen utensils.

Ha-ha, I’m lying! It is diamonds! Whew – I just ducked a frying pan as I was typing that.

Yes, diamonds will bring heaps of praise upon you for the rest of your life, which could be quite short if you actually took my kitchen utensil comment seriously.

Size wise, ‘bigger’ seems to work for all women. ‘More’ also works.

As to selecting between ring, necklace, earrings or, those wildly erotic things that some women have in their belly buttons, the answer is a definite “Yes!”

Understand, men, that spousal gift-giving will result in either a frank exchange of viewpoints, perhaps involving gunfire, or a wild, monkey-like romp around the bedroom. This should keep you entertained for some time, like it will your wide-eyed and slightly repugged children if you don’t lock the bedroom door


Moving on to the Young Children category, you are pretty safe if your gift selection includes any or all of the terms “Nintendo,” “Playstation,” “Hannah Montana,” “Jonas Brothers,” “Any Other Empty-Headed Twit from TV,” or combination of the aforementioned. So that’s good.

For children over age 10 or so, I have no idea since my kids aren’t that old yet. I suspect, however, that as they get to the sullen, ‘My Parents Are Dorky Idiots’ stage of development, anything you get them will be dreadfully bad for your relationship unless it is the latest style of jeans costing 3000 dollars that will be worn exactly once then tossed callously on the floor of their room, never to be seen again because it’s not cool and because it is buried beneath the mountain of items that archaeologists will later call ‘strata’ but which parents today call “Oh-my-God-what-happened-in-here?!”

I know that was a run-on sentence but it’s the economy. Punctuation is expensive.

So that’s that I guess. I’m off to trim up some two-by-fours, and I think I may slice up some two by tens since the kids have been so good this year. I don’t want to spoil them like rich kids though, so I’ll keep them under a foot long. Merry Christmas.

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