It's all About Focus

With a new pool complex nearby, I've been taking the kids swimming quite a bit lately.

Now the problem with being a middle-aged guy (BIKINI) is that if you have eyes (BIKINI) in your head (HOTTIE) it becomes difficult to focus from time to time.

This can be problematic in that (NICE TATTOO) it is distracting as hell and hey I'm only human (BIKINI) and I've got to (focus focus FOCUS!!) on what (OOPS LARGE BOYFRIEND) I'm supposed to be doing here.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I'm there with my kids and I'm (SLEEPING ON COUCH TONIGHT) happily married and I don't mean to look but I have eyes don't I? Am I not a (CRETIN) human being?

It's not like I'm being an ogling pervert or anything. (LOOK AT THOSE! OH SORRY BUDDY).

It makes me uncomfortable (IS SHE TOPLESS? NO IT’S A BIKINI WHEW) that's all.

Anyway, there I was with the kids when I had to go to the bathroom so I got out of the pool.

For a change.

I can't quite remember what I was talking about just now (OUCH MY CHEST HAIRS HONEY). I'm so distracted these days (HOTTIE) what with work and all.

And here’s the other thing. Spouses have eyes too and you can’t tell me they don’t admire (PIERCING PLACEMENT) another guy’s abs any more than I happen to notice (BIKINI) in passing another woman’s shallow unimportant physical attributes.

It is hypocritical to think that it is only men who can admire from afar someone whose (THOSE REAL?) body shape is perhaps more tuned than one’s own (DISGUSTING FLAB) physical presence.

I think of it as admiring a work of art, really (DON’T STARE! DON’T STARE!)

You know my latest column was going to be really funny but now I've lost my (IS THAT A BUTTERFLY ON THERE?) train of thought. (FACE LIKE AN OLD BOOT BUT WHAT A BIKINI)

I was also going to talk about how distracting it is to drive past the local beaches (BIKINIS OH MY GOD BIKINIS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE! FOCUS! FOCUS! DRIVE THE CAR!!)

It is really (BIKINI) annoying to have to do this, but since I have to go to the office and back 6 or 7 times per day and I have to drive past the beach each time even though it’s 28 blocks out of my way (HOTTIE) I think it is really worth it (FOR THE ENVIRONMENT).

I wish I could remember what I was going to write about today. Huh.

Man my neck hurts.