Phone Heaven

Your call is important to us. Please remain on the line and your call will be answered sooner than if you redial.

To make your time on hold more enjoyable, press 1 to hear a customer service representative get jolted with electricity.

Press 2 to hear the call center manager have bamboo shoots shoved under her fingernails.

Press 3 if you would like to water board a senior executive of this company.

Press 4 if you would like us to send a male or female escort to your current billing address for whatever you like. This offer can also be exchanged for a service technician of your choice – cable, telephone, electrician or plumber. It is no problem, and they will be there within the hour.

Press 5 if we somehow made a mistake on your last bill. A 6 month credit will be applied to your account immediately.

Press 6 if you would like the very next appointment you have been waiting for. Say tomorrow about 1 o’clock?

Press 7 if you would like to star in a major motion along with Angelina Jolie and/or Brad Pitt.

Press 8 if you don’t have enough money to pay your bills. Using the keypad, enter the amount of money you would like to receive monthly for the next year so that this never happens again.

Press 9 if you would like to wake up from the dream you are having. Our customer service personnel are currently entering your home to wake you from this dream and collect the money you currently owe us.

Please stand by.

Your call is important to us. We would very much like to hear the sound of clanky coins bouncing into the collection plate our service personnel are holding under your head as we bounce you up and down by your ankles.

This call may be recorded for quality assurance purposes, and evidence.

Please do not adjust your set. We will be finished with you shortly. Thank you!