Attention: Jam Manufacturers

Dear Jam Manufacturers.

I am writing to you today in protest.

On your labels, it clearly states that we should Refrigerate After Opening. I, and many others, must forcefully protest this directive.

Before I bring this action item to the full Food Rules Committee, might I point out that we are placing your jam or other condiment upon WARM toast? Have you any idea how jarring it is to feel cold jam upon nice, warm toast? This practise is clearly unacceptable and I am putting you on notice that I will henceforth place my opened jams and jellies in the pantry - where they belong!

I know this will allow dangerous bacteria to degrade my comestibles to the point of in-edibility (ie mold), but that will happen anyway. I understand that the penicillin-based life forms may cause my estate to sue your butt into oblivion once the CSI team determines the cause of my premature demise as a result of their consumption, but I feel this risk is worth taking, and so should you.

Perhaps you could create a separate brand of jams or jellies with more preservatives in them, such that they would be better suited to pantry storage and not refrigeration. Granted, this level of preservatives would cause my entire digestive system to completely collapse, according to leading health authorities - those being clerks in vitamin supplement stores. Still I must insist on this course of action.

Cold jams and jellies have their place, of course. Cold jam upon peanut butter in a sandwich we have no quarrel with. The minor temperature variations are of no great concern in this regard.

We, the Warm Toast Preservation Alliance (there is a subtle humour in the title there - Preservation...preserves...get it? Oh nevermind), officially demand action on this important refrigeration matter.

For and on Behalf of the Toast And Permissable Condiments Committee I remain,

Your Humble Servant.