Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Museum Muse

I was glancing around the house the other day, trying to figure out which pile of debris to start clearing, when I just gave up and laid down on the couch. The debris was not yet at a level to set off my personal Disgust Alarm, which precedes a frenzied bellowing and cleaning period which appears to the untrained eye like the Tasmanian Devil of cartoon fame.

In Relax Mode I began to day dream about what it would sound like if a tour group came through the house right then. I set up the rope barriers and assumed my position...

“Ladies and gentlemen this is a working home so please do not touch the exhibits…”

“In the entry way here you will notice the scattered shoes, scarves, handbags, craft papers, hoodies, school lunches, binders and dog hair that is common to this type of human settlement.”

“As we move into the main living area please stay behind the ropes and don’t touch the scratching gentleman! Yes, this is normal behaviour for this species. The male of the house usually sits in this large reclining chair and proceeds to emit various sounds and gases, and also engages in grooming behaviour such as scratching himself like he is looking diligently for nits. Notice how the woman of the house rolls her eyes at this frequent phenomenon.”

"Now here is something interesting…see how the floor has been cleaned in anticipation of our arrival? This is known as Visitor Panic. You’ll see evidence of this in bathrooms and bedrooms as well. You can observe that the floor has only been mopped in the areas that reflect the light from the windows. Over here in the corner you can tell the floor hasn’t been touched in several years, if ever. Since the male of the house is usually placed in charge of these chores, you can draw your own conclusions.”

"Stay together people! We are moving through the kitchen now. Notice the collection of papers and debris on any horizontal surface. Most families of this type need a dump truck once per year to clear out the school crafts and projects that accumulate in these regions. Why yes, the smell of Elmers glue and macaroni is rather pungent isn't it? Let's move along..."

"Upstairs we have the master bedroom, or as the gentleman of the house quaintly refers to it, the 'Fornicatorium.'

What a charmer he is. Note how the wife has carefully made the bed and tidied up, while the husband has obviously taken a nap on top of the covers and messed things up again. Yes ma'am - you can tell it was him because of the drool there on the pillow shams - very good eye for detail you have!"

"I'm sorry - we cannot access the childrens bathroom at the moment since it has been declared a toxic hazard area by the municipal authorities, so just take a quick look at the childrens bedrooms as we head for the stairs.

Do be careful and don't step on a OUCH! Hot Wheel car...they do smart when you do that.


1 comment:

Susan said...

Ah hahahahahaha I really liked that one and I know it's all true.