Food Rules II

The Food Consumption Rules Committee would like to further clarify the rules regarding certain foodstuffs.

The round, jelly Licorice Allsorts with the little round candy things glued to them are unfit for human consumption and are henceforth banned. The round coconut ones are not yet outright banned and the committee will accept discussion papers regarding their relative merit.

The coconut ones are usually preserved until snack desperation sets in, usually when you have come to the last of your Allsort supply. Then and only then are these confections admitted.

Most prized for their rarity are the tubular Allsorts with white stuff on the inside, followed by the single or double layered Allsort. Squishing the double layered ones down to single layer thickness for purposes of concealment is allowed. The plain black licorice jobs are OK too in the eyes of the rules committee, but those jelly ones have got to go.

The rules committee is also curious if Allsorts is supposed to be capitalized and will undertake research into this concern.

There seems to be some confusion regarding the consumption of corn on the cob.

The rules clearly state that this delicious vegetable is to be consumed by gnawing horizontal rows in either direction. Chewing the delicious, wholesome, butter-drenched kernels off by an around the cob circulatory action is similar to a log de-barker and is therefore ruled gauche and forbidden.

The rules committee notes they do not get to say ‘log-debarker’ very often.

The application of liquid condiments such as ketchup to the kernels of corn is disgusting and is forbidden. Salt and pepper is not considered too weird and is acceptable.

Flossing of the incisors after consuming corn on the cob is understood to be extremely satisfying, but should not be undertaken while in mixed company, in restaurants, or on dates.

The rapid ejection of corn particles from one’s bicuspids accompanied by moans and cries of “I got it!” has been known to reduce the ardour of companions.

The committee is also seeking your input regarding the eating of ice cream delicacies.

When consuming a Revello (which, incidentally, should be called just a ‘Revel’ and not ‘Revello’), it is undecided if one should eat all the chocolate coating off the outside prior to eating the ice cream inside.

Taking bites of both chocolate coating and ice cream together has its adherents, but there is something to be said for the delicate removal of all traces of chocolate from the outside first, then plunging into the ice cream within.

Polls are showing a close race so let’s form committees and heavily armed factions prior to next year’s convention.

A report from the Children’s Division deserves your attention as follows:

All French fries are to be eaten before the burger, grilled cheese or chicken fingers. This is well known as the Kids Rule of Outside the House Culinary Excitement. Parents must abstain from all disciplinary procedures during these focused moments.

Forks are to be used only when food is too slippery to grasp with fingers alone. Sauces are irrelevant to this reasoning.

The spreading of jam and other condiments upon toast is a category of rules all its own, but some issues need refreshing.

When children are spreading assorted condiments on toast, butter and jam are allowed to be plopped into the middle portion of the bread, with minimal spreading, or spread with the wrong side of the knife or even the handle or finger.

This makes imminent good sense since once it has all been chewed up and in the tummy it doesn’t matter where the condiments were anyway.

Parents are also cautioned to back off and not worry about the jam being spread nicely to all areas of the toast’s surface.

Mouths are to be wiped on the sleeve, until such time as children are old enough to be bashed for doing so.

Spit washing by one or other parent is allowed up to the age whereby children actually use a napkin, but only if child involved makes a face and turns away violently during the washing procedure.

The rules committee thanks you for your continued attention in these matters.

Food Rules

The Food Consumption Rules Committee is pleased to issue the following for your edification. Following these rules will lead to marital harmony and personal gratification. Political candidates might also be canvassed as to where they stand on these important matters.

Lets begin with Peanut Butter and Jam rules – which are extensive. Please pay close attention.

No butter on the bread! This causes the peanut butter to slide around and is inappropriate. Toasting and then adding peanut butter is acceptable since toasting firms up the bread, thus increasing peanut butter adhesion.

Jam goes gently but firmly on top of the peanut butter with a slight mixing action allowed. Jam never goes on its own piece of bread as the increased liquidity of the condiment causes unsightly stains to soak through to the cover side of the sandwich, thus labeling you an amateur.

Peanut buttering both pieces of bread to circumvent the above is considered extravagant and wasteful and should be avoided.

Attempts at breaking up large jam lumps for more even jam distribution are to be avoided as this can cause unsightly tearing of the bread.

There is a limit of 4 large jam lumps per sandwich, or one lump per bite depending on aspect ratio of lump to bread size (mathematical formulae available).

There are no rules regarding crusts and their retention or excision. Crusts are mainly there to keep the bread inside the bread (according to my kids) and are therefore expendable.

Let’s move on to other victuals shall we?

Rules regarding the consumption of breakfast cereals are straightforward but detailed.

Dry cereal is governed by the Proportional Volume rule, which stipulates that cereal is to be patted down in the bowl prior to milk delivery so as to compare the level of cereal in your bowl with that of your siblings. This ensures equal distribution amongst members of the household and is vitally important to maintaining proper decorum during breakfast proceedings.

The Proportional Volume rule is sometimes contravened by Dad who eats enormous bowls of Honeycomb even though Mom calls him a pig for so doing. The rules committee is wisely leaving the adjudication of this controversy up to the members, who should understand that Dad’s are larger and therefore command a larger bowl.

Rude words constructed with alphabetic cereals are subject to rapid punishments, as determined by how many of the words are visible to authorities prior to consumption. Some words carry more stringent penalties than others.

Cartoon programs are allowed to blare in the background during breakfast, provided authorities can be heard yelling to get upstairs to brush your teeth and get dressed for school.

Once milk has been delivered to the cereal, all cereal is to be smunched down into the milk. Partial smunching is allowed to retain crunchiness as desired, provided all cereal is ultimately smunched.

Drinking from the bowl is allowed at home, only when the female head of household is not present. Doing so at a restaurant or other public establishment will result in a surreptitious clout upon the body of the miscreant, delivered by whatever enforcement officers are present at the time.

Consuming liquid refreshment straight from the containers is also governed by the above rules.

Care should be exercised while pouring milk onto flaked cereals. Frequently, concave flakes will re-direct the stream of milk from its downward trajectory to a more horizontal one, thus causing spillage over the side of the bowl.

Official Proclamation:

Whereas; milk poured from a great height can cause spectacular geysers when concave flakes are positioned in a certain manner and,

Whereas; household pets enjoy having milk shoot out from the sides of bowls directly into their mouths,

The Official Mom Rules Committee hereby deems that milk spilled during cereal milk geyser experiments is to be entirely cleaned up by the scientists conducting said experiments.

Further, Moms who have recently assisted with the dressing of household members in clean clothing, frown upon horizontal geysering of milk and other substances, and will issue further rules and/or punishments as deemed necessary and prudent – up to and including the possibility of only consuming cereals while naked.

That is all.