Monday, September 22, 2008

Food Rules

The Food Consumption Rules Committee is pleased to issue the following for your edification. Following these rules will lead to marital harmony and personal gratification. Political candidates might also be canvassed as to where they stand on these important matters.

Lets begin with Peanut Butter and Jam rules – which are extensive. Please pay close attention.

No butter on the bread! This causes the peanut butter to slide around and is inappropriate. Toasting and then adding peanut butter is acceptable since toasting firms up the bread, thus increasing peanut butter adhesion.

Jam goes gently but firmly on top of the peanut butter with a slight mixing action allowed. Jam never goes on its own piece of bread as the increased liquidity of the condiment causes unsightly stains to soak through to the cover side of the sandwich, thus labeling you an amateur.

Peanut buttering both pieces of bread to circumvent the above is considered extravagant and wasteful and should be avoided.

Attempts at breaking up large jam lumps for more even jam distribution are to be avoided as this can cause unsightly tearing of the bread.

There is a limit of 4 large jam lumps per sandwich, or one lump per bite depending on aspect ratio of lump to bread size (mathematical formulae available).

There are no rules regarding crusts and their retention or excision. Crusts are mainly there to keep the bread inside the bread (according to my kids) and are therefore expendable.

Let’s move on to other victuals shall we?

Rules regarding the consumption of breakfast cereals are straightforward but detailed.

Dry cereal is governed by the Proportional Volume rule, which stipulates that cereal is to be patted down in the bowl prior to milk delivery so as to compare the level of cereal in your bowl with that of your siblings. This ensures equal distribution amongst members of the household and is vitally important to maintaining proper decorum during breakfast proceedings.

The Proportional Volume rule is sometimes contravened by Dad who eats enormous bowls of Honeycomb even though Mom calls him a pig for so doing. The rules committee is wisely leaving the adjudication of this controversy up to the members, who should understand that Dad’s are larger and therefore command a larger bowl.

Rude words constructed with alphabetic cereals are subject to rapid punishments, as determined by how many of the words are visible to authorities prior to consumption. Some words carry more stringent penalties than others.

Cartoon programs are allowed to blare in the background during breakfast, provided authorities can be heard yelling to get upstairs to brush your teeth and get dressed for school.

Once milk has been delivered to the cereal, all cereal is to be smunched down into the milk. Partial smunching is allowed to retain crunchiness as desired, provided all cereal is ultimately smunched.

Drinking from the bowl is allowed at home, only when the female head of household is not present. Doing so at a restaurant or other public establishment will result in a surreptitious clout upon the body of the miscreant, delivered by whatever enforcement officers are present at the time.

Consuming liquid refreshment straight from the containers is also governed by the above rules.

Care should be exercised while pouring milk onto flaked cereals. Frequently, concave flakes will re-direct the stream of milk from its downward trajectory to a more horizontal one, thus causing spillage over the side of the bowl.

Official Proclamation:

Whereas; milk poured from a great height can cause spectacular geysers when concave flakes are positioned in a certain manner and,

Whereas; household pets enjoy having milk shoot out from the sides of bowls directly into their mouths,

The Official Mom Rules Committee hereby deems that milk spilled during cereal milk geyser experiments is to be entirely cleaned up by the scientists conducting said experiments.

Further, Moms who have recently assisted with the dressing of household members in clean clothing, frown upon horizontal geysering of milk and other substances, and will issue further rules and/or punishments as deemed necessary and prudent – up to and including the possibility of only consuming cereals while naked.

That is all.

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