Kids Non-Sequirter Conversation #823

Kids, falling asleep in their communal bed at cabin, overheard by Dad while Dad was tending fire in vain attempt to warm up said cabin.

Kid #1 - "Wouldn't it be cool to fall down an endless cliff?"

Kid #2 - "But then we wouldn't have any food."

Dad scratches head over that one, shuffles off to bed, muttering about what strange children he is raising.

Things I'm working on

Random thoughts that may become columns. Or bits of columns which I may join all together into some sort of semi-cohesive whole.

- My son (age 7) and I have been discussing the relative merits of switching nose and ear functions around. The thought of smelling through your ears, and listening through your nose, has some appeal you must admit.

- Having recently run out of shampoo, I am conducting my semi-annual contemplation of shaving my head again. I have done this before, and it is not just because I'm cheap and would realize significant shampoo savings. One also realizes benefits in the toque adhesion realm as well - those suckers stick to your noggin like velcro when you are a cueball. Which is handy if you happen to be in a tornado or hurricane while wearing a toque.

- The whole shampoo thing is somewhat baffling, in that modern shampoos seem to want to put a lot of food on your head. A recent stroll down the shampoo aisle offered up the following ingredients inside this unguent: flowers of many kinds, peaches, kiwis, apples, cherries, melons, oranges, lemons, fructises (whatever those are), and I think celery.

Now I don't know about you, but I prefer enjoying my food from the inside.

Given that hair is DEAD, one wonders what benefit would accrue from feeding one's hair these various substances.

I guess if I'm going to go off on a rant about shampoo I should confess to buying the stuff purely based on smell alone. Like the kids. Yes, we selected them based on smell...

What I meant to say is - the kids and I only check the labels to make sure it is in fact shampoo and not shaving foam we are getting, but after that it is all smell. Well, sometimes taste, based on the smell. Hey - kids are curious.

I think this all started with the product Gee Your Head Smells Terrific I think it was called. I remember when this hit back in school. It fueled more lust in adolescent males than most pheromones or naughty pictures. Naturally all us guys went out and bought some of the stuff, in the jaundiced belief that women smelling our locks would immediately grab our hands and lead us astray into dens of iniquity where we would indulge in hours of wild carnality - based purely on the smell of our noggins. That was the hope anyway. Reality was not so much.

I'm looking forward to the day when marketing types come full circle and we see shampoos with more back to the earth themes in their aromas. Products like Barkmulch, Essence of Dirt, Fresh Lawn Clippings, and so forth.

Why not use other foodstuffs as fragrances? Roast Beef Conditioner, Alpha Bit Shampoo, Gee Your Hair Smells Like Beans, Pureed Yams with Shampoo Emulsifyer and so forth may someday be winners in the drug store.

Thanks for reading.

Food Rules

The Food Consumption Rules Committee is pleased to issue the following for your edification. Following these rules will lead to marital harmony and personal gratification. Political candidates might also be canvassed as to where they stand on these important matters.

Lets begin with Peanut Butter and Jam rules – which are extensive. Please pay close attention.

No butter on the bread! This causes the peanut butter to slide around and is inappropriate. Toasting and then adding peanut butter is acceptable since toasting firms up the bread, thus increasing peanut butter adhesion.

Jam goes gently but firmly on top of the peanut butter with a slight mixing action allowed. Jam never goes on its own piece of bread as the increased liquidity of the condiment causes unsightly stains to soak through to the cover side of the sandwich, thus labeling you an amateur.

Peanut buttering both pieces of bread to circumvent the above is considered extravagant and wasteful and should be avoided.

Attempts at breaking up large jam lumps for more even jam distribution are to be avoided as this can cause unsightly tearing of the bread.

There is a limit of 4 large jam lumps per sandwich, or one lump per bite depending on aspect ratio of lump to bread size (mathematical formulae available).

There are no rules regarding crusts and their retention or excision. Crusts are mainly there to keep the bread inside the bread (according to my kids) and are therefore expendable.

Let’s move on to other victuals shall we?

Rules regarding the consumption of breakfast cereals are straightforward but detailed.

Dry cereal is governed by the Proportional Volume rule, which stipulates that cereal is to be patted down in the bowl prior to milk delivery so as to compare the level of cereal in your bowl with that of your siblings. This ensures equal distribution amongst members of the household and is vitally important to maintaining proper decorum during breakfast proceedings.

The Proportional Volume rule is sometimes contravened by Dad who eats enormous bowls of Honeycomb even though Mom calls him a pig for so doing. The rules committee is wisely leaving the adjudication of this controversy up to the members, who should understand that Dad’s are larger and therefore command a larger bowl.

Rude words constructed with alphabetic cereals are subject to rapid punishments, as determined by how many of the words are visible to authorities prior to consumption. Some words carry more stringent penalties than others.

Cartoon programs are allowed to blare in the background during breakfast, provided authorities can be heard yelling to get upstairs to brush your teeth and get dressed for school.

Once milk has been delivered to the cereal, all cereal is to be smunched down into the milk. Partial smunching is allowed to retain crunchiness as desired, provided all cereal is ultimately smunched.

Drinking from the bowl is allowed at home, only when the female head of household is not present. Doing so at a restaurant or other public establishment will result in a surreptitious clout upon the body of the miscreant, delivered by whatever enforcement officers are present at the time.

Consuming liquid refreshment straight from the containers is also governed by the above rules.

Care should be exercised while pouring milk onto flaked cereals. Frequently, concave flakes will re-direct the stream of milk from its downward trajectory to a more horizontal one, thus causing spillage over the side of the bowl.

Official Proclamation:

Whereas; milk poured from a great height can cause spectacular geysers when concave flakes are positioned in a certain manner and,

Whereas; household pets enjoy having milk shoot out from the sides of bowls directly into their mouths,

The Official Mom Rules Committee hereby deems that milk spilled during cereal milk geyser experiments is to be entirely cleaned up by the scientists conducting said experiments.

Further, Moms who have recently assisted with the dressing of household members in clean clothing, frown upon horizontal geysering of milk and other substances, and will issue further rules and/or punishments as deemed necessary and prudent – up to and including the possibility of only consuming cereals while naked.

That is all.