Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Food Rules II

The Food Consumption Rules Committee would like to further clarify the rules regarding certain foodstuffs.

The round, jelly Licorice Allsorts with the little round candy things glued to them are unfit for human consumption and are henceforth banned. The round coconut ones are not yet outright banned and the committee will accept discussion papers regarding their relative merit.

The coconut ones are usually preserved until snack desperation sets in, usually when you have come to the last of your Allsort supply. Then and only then are these confections admitted.

Most prized for their rarity are the tubular Allsorts with white stuff on the inside, followed by the single or double layered Allsort. Squishing the double layered ones down to single layer thickness for purposes of concealment is allowed. The plain black licorice jobs are OK too in the eyes of the rules committee, but those jelly ones have got to go.

The rules committee is also curious if Allsorts is supposed to be capitalized and will undertake research into this concern.

There seems to be some confusion regarding the consumption of corn on the cob.

The rules clearly state that this delicious vegetable is to be consumed by gnawing horizontal rows in either direction. Chewing the delicious, wholesome, butter-drenched kernels off by an around the cob circulatory action is similar to a log de-barker and is therefore ruled gauche and forbidden.

The rules committee notes they do not get to say ‘log-debarker’ very often.

The application of liquid condiments such as ketchup to the kernels of corn is disgusting and is forbidden. Salt and pepper is not considered too weird and is acceptable.

Flossing of the incisors after consuming corn on the cob is understood to be extremely satisfying, but should not be undertaken while in mixed company, in restaurants, or on dates.

The rapid ejection of corn particles from one’s bicuspids accompanied by moans and cries of “I got it!” has been known to reduce the ardour of companions.

The committee is also seeking your input regarding the eating of ice cream delicacies.

When consuming a Revello (which, incidentally, should be called just a ‘Revel’ and not ‘Revello’), it is undecided if one should eat all the chocolate coating off the outside prior to eating the ice cream inside.

Taking bites of both chocolate coating and ice cream together has its adherents, but there is something to be said for the delicate removal of all traces of chocolate from the outside first, then plunging into the ice cream within.

Polls are showing a close race so let’s form committees and heavily armed factions prior to next year’s convention.

A report from the Children’s Division deserves your attention as follows:

All French fries are to be eaten before the burger, grilled cheese or chicken fingers. This is well known as the Kids Rule of Outside the House Culinary Excitement. Parents must abstain from all disciplinary procedures during these focused moments.

Forks are to be used only when food is too slippery to grasp with fingers alone. Sauces are irrelevant to this reasoning.

The spreading of jam and other condiments upon toast is a category of rules all its own, but some issues need refreshing.

When children are spreading assorted condiments on toast, butter and jam are allowed to be plopped into the middle portion of the bread, with minimal spreading, or spread with the wrong side of the knife or even the handle or finger.

This makes imminent good sense since once it has all been chewed up and in the tummy it doesn’t matter where the condiments were anyway.

Parents are also cautioned to back off and not worry about the jam being spread nicely to all areas of the toast’s surface.

Mouths are to be wiped on the sleeve, until such time as children are old enough to be bashed for doing so.

Spit washing by one or other parent is allowed up to the age whereby children actually use a napkin, but only if child involved makes a face and turns away violently during the washing procedure.

The rules committee thanks you for your continued attention in these matters.

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