Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Couple Therapy

Our kids were both out of the house on sleepovers, so my wife and I did what any other healthy, normal couple would do under such circumstances. We went for a nice dinner, a beautiful stroll along the beach, and then we went home and enjoyed some wild, unprotected swearing.

You can only go so long without a little profanity. It was great. We cursed and yelled with complete abandon.

It was invigorating and wonderful in all respects.

Having kids around all the time makes it easy to lose touch with your bad words. It’s hard to make time in your day for just you and your spouse, and your salty vocabulary. It’s important you reserve some good fulmination time for each other.

We couldn’t help ourselves and got started swearing right there in the van after our walk because we never get to in front of the kids. When we got home we carried on like teenagers, doing ‘it’ on the stairs, in the kitchen, the living room, and of course, our bedroom. Bathroom too.

We used some of the verbs and nouns and adjectives we learned before we were married. We even referred to some books and the Scrabble game to, you know, spice things up a little.

Logging into the internet, we watched a few of ‘those’ types of videos. Yeah - George Carlin. Chris Rock. It was wild.

We held nothing back from each other.

We became as one.

Our pleasure was all the more invigorating in that we did ‘it’ really loudly. With no kids to disturb we went a little crazy. I remember yelling up the stairs “HONEY DID YOU LET THE *$%#@!% DOG OUT?” It felt so…free.

We even had a few drinks to sort of lubricate things.

No need to ‘do it’ behind closed doors or in hushed whispers. No hints or semi-spelled out words like we usually do in front of the kids. This was pure, wild foul-mouthing of the best sort.

We deliberately stubbed our toes and jumped around, cursing. No words barred. We cussed and yelled until we were spent. Then we lay back, exhausted, smiles on our faces, sated.

I’m sure a psychologist would say that a good swear session does wonders for one’s health. What couples need is some good, down to earth ear-burning, awe-inspiring, incredible-word-combination cussing to clear out the cobwebs. Avoiding the curse words you would LIKE to use about neighbours, co-workers and bosses is too stressful.

Oh sure, the occasional road rage episode is helpful, as is muttering imprecations at the drive-through when they mess up your order, but these are ultimately hollow and unfulfilling.

So unlock your inner self and unleash your most colourful cusses! Be free! Get rid of the kids and let fly. It works! It feels good! It’s probably good for the economy!

If cursing doesn’t work, have some cookie-dough ice cream. That’s another good stress reliever.

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