Monday, April 19, 2010

If Kids Ran Business

President: “And now our Vice President of Finance will bring us up to speed on the financials for the past year…”

Joe: “Ladies and gentlemen of the board, it is my pleasure to report that our financial position has increased, like, a whole bunch since last year. It’s like, “Whoa! Dude! How’d that happen so fast!” You know? So we’re planning on getting iPods with some of that money, and then we’ll get some cool jeans and stuff. Maybe some new ring tones.”

President: “Cool. Is there any way to attach laser rocket boosters to our third quarter earnings Joe?”

Joe: “Yeah – that would be so cool! Just like in Transformers! Awesome!”

“Excellent – carry on then. Next on the agenda is the Marketing team with a presentation to clue us in on this year’s plans.”

Executive #1: “I think we should start with this slide.”

Executive #2: “You said we could start with my slide first!”

#1: “The President said I could start with mine! Mine has more stuff on it! Mr. President, can we start with my slide first – cause it’s, like, bigger?”

President: “All right, just go with it.”

#1: “Kay. So this year we think it would be cool to, you know, make a commercial with a video camera and put it on TV and stuff.”

#2: “Yeah! We could have alien droids blast our products from outer space with epic missiles that make huge clouds of flames!”

#1: “And their heads get blown off with guts spurting out and everything! Yeah – cool!”

#2: “And maybe we could upload it to YouTube!”

#1: “Awesome!”

President: “Well! Thank you for those really gnarly brainstorms.”

Board Member: “Mr. President? You know those roller blades that have the sparks flying out from the wheels on the side? Yeah. Those are really cool.”

President: “Did you have a question at all Ma’am? Something relevant to the current discussion perhaps?”

Board Member: “No. I just think they are really cool roller blades. Do we have any snacks? I’m bored. How long is this meeting going to be?”

President: “That about wraps it up for another profitable year. You’ll note in your minutes that we are increasing our allowances thirty percent this year, which is in line with our competition and neighbours and other kids so that’s cool.”

“Also, please note that we plan on having more sleepovers in the rumpus room downstairs and we won’t need anyone coming down anymore to tuck us in because we aren’t up to any mischief or eating hidden candy or anything like that. And we’d like to merge with Nintendo since they have all these cool games for the DSi, and I heard they have an even bigger screen coming so that would be awesome.”

“As we expand into the American and Asian markets, I’m sure you’ll agree that to remain competitive in these trying times, we have got to, you know, hey can I have some of that juice? And where did you get that shirt? I like that a lot.”

“Oh yeah – so anyway, we need to go to, like, Los Angeles and New York and stuff soon. I’m so excited. We might see the Jonas Brothers in concert, but they are getting sort of lame now, so we might go see something else. I don’t know. We’ll need to sell a bunch of stuff first to get money and then we’ll just, like, cruise around you know?”

It was during a meeting like this that credit default swaps and high-risk mortgages were created.

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