Monday, May 11, 2009

They Grow Among Us

Here in the upper jungle, there lives a particularly gigantic species. They lurk in the shadows, hidden from all observation, growing more rapidly than any other life form. They can reach enormous size relative to their habitat, while remaining completely undetectable to the human eye. Then, when mature, they shoot up to their full height in what scientists believe is a display that will possibly attract a mate.

When they spring from the undergrowth, far above the surrounding flora, they cause shock, awe, and considerable consternation in the eyes of observers.

They have also been known to knock people’s glasses off.

Known officially as Gigantis Folliculae Eyebrowitus, they, along with their evolutionary cousins Folliculae Earlobia, grow in shaded areas of the human face, undetectable during normal grooming procedures.

Stealth hairs.

These mutants stick out several inches from your face, undetected (by you) for days, causing snickers and stares, until you catch one in the light and recoil in horror from the mirror.

"How long has that thing been waving in the breeze?" you ask yourself, reaching for the chainsaw.

Usually several shades lighter or darker from your regular (eyebrow) hairs, they somehow remain invisible until the TV interviewer zooms in for a closeup, or you are leaning in for that romantic first kiss.

Regardless of the circumstance, at the point where every eye in the place is keenly focused on your serious, intense face, out bursts the hair like the spring in a cheap ball point pen. Or a piston rod shooting through the hood of a NASCAR car, or some other humourous metaphor that I cannot think of just at the moment.

Scientists are currently attacking this growing (ha!) problem; looking for answers to questions like "Can these hairy beasts be controlled with Roundup or other herbicides without you looking like your barbecue blew up?"

And, "How can these things grow so big and so long yet remain undetected, then suddenly appear like a giant Douglas Fir in a sea of bent-over Poplars?"

The usual breeding ground for these monsters is on the faces of tweedy, eccentric British history professors, wandering about their gardens, muttering imprecations at their rose bushes. Their eyebrows are always a collection of huge hairs, growing in wild profusion, adding character and depth to their craggy faces. They wouldn’t be proper eccentrics without these outgrowths, so society has no problem with this style.

Sometimes though, the hairs branch out into smaller outcroppings. They become the Lone Wolves of The Facial Range.

El Solo Molo.

More elusive than a mere ‘Eyebrow Shooter’, El Solo Molo is a far more stealthy hair, emerging only under cover of darkness, growing to hideous lengths in short periods of time. Their habitat is wide-ranging, but ideal growing conditions are limited to the facial moles of the elderly, and some pets.

More distracting than cleavage to the human male, observers of El Solo Molo’s cannot take their eyes off these outgrowths. Most people feel an urgent desire to retrieve a pair of scissors and start snipping away at them, which sometimes occurs when the elderly are napping.

More than one senior has found their hand impaled on small scissors after sleepily swatting at the irritant tickling their face, only to find an obsessed nephew or niece stooped over their sleepy form, a wild look in their eyes, attempting to get rid of the offending foliage.

These pests truly are the scourge of the adult grooming world, and must be eradicated at all costs, according to government officials.

As the world anxiously awaits a solution to this alarming spectacle, notwithstanding the waxing special down at Myrtle’s Hair Salon and Exfoliatery, scientists will continue to experiment with various formulations of smelly ointment to rid the world of this menace.

That would be Neet wouldn’t it?

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