Friday, April 24, 2009

Weight Loss The Column

I pulled on my favourite summer shorts the other day. When I finally let my breath out, two buttons at the waist exploded, sending shrapnel flying about the house, shattering the fish tank and wounding a neighbour kid playing in the yard next door.

Poorly made buttons aside, it seems I have become a man of some caliber these past years. I have grown from a tall, skinny, fit person to a “Please do not sit on that antique chair sir…SIR!!” size.

I now have what medical authorities call “girth”, meaning they’ll need a special lift truck to remove me from my bedroom when my diabetic limbs start falling off.

I’ve been thinking of shedding some of this excess weight. For about ten years now.

The latest thinking came about when I was laying on the couch with the kids, reluctantly allowing them to spoon raw Pillsbury cookie dough into my pie hole.

While doing so, I looked at the laundry rack (sorry – treadmill) and started thinking about getting motivated.

Clearly, my problem is too much thinking, so I may give that up and make some popcorn instead.

To be brutally honest, the source of my weight issue, I have to admit, is my wife.

She is a wonderful cook and since we got married she has been constantly plying me with evil recipes. Not eating them would be hurtful, and we can't have that now can we?

Actually, I’m beginning to feel the same determination building in me to lose weight as when I quit smoking years ago. Well, I think its determination building. It may be gas – hard to tell. Burritos.

Anyway, while contemplating my navel, in my minds eye since I haven’t seen it in a while, I had an ingenious idea which will lead to enormous riches (not that I need more), and may even put that annoying old fatty Jenny Craig out of business once and for all.

I propose we gather the greatest scientific minds in the country and make vegetable patches. No, not that kind – I’m talking about patches like the nicotine ones.

Hey – if we can administer addictive and mind-altering substances through the skin (nicotine, medications, Paris Hilton), why can’t we do the same with stuff that is good for us?

I want to just slap a patch on my shoulder and know that vital, vegetable nutrients are coursing their way through my system, reducing my cholesterol, dusting, cleaning, taking out the trash, folding laundry, and generally tidying up.

One patch would equal one serving of veggies. Ingenious? Yes, I think so.

Think about it. Moms everywhere will be able to say “Good for you Billy – I see you are eating (well, getting) your vegetables. Here, let me stick some nutritious dessert on you too…”

There you’ll be in a restaurant, ordering and absorbing crazy stuff you would never normally eat because the spices would turn your innards into a smoking, lava-like puddle on top of your pelvis.

You could finally get the thrill of consuming fried goat eyeballs or poisonous snake parts without having to taste or chew it/them! Very cool. Travel agents will make a fortune. Visit the Eyeball/Snake Innard Eating Capitals of the World! And Not Have to Actually Eat Them!

I think these patches, combined with powerful narcotics to control the raucous hunger rumblings which are disturbing your fellow passengers, would be just the ticket.

This really could be a solution to the growing food crisis in the world too. Somehow.

I’ll chew on that thought for a while and let you know.

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