Monday, December 13, 2010


TV Announcer: “We are live at the NESCAR 500 - the biggest race on the National Electric Stock Car circuit, as drivers compete for the Smug Cup.”

“Hi everyone, I’m Bryce Malmsley, along with Hubert Throckmorton, and we are about to start the race.  Let’s go trackside to Jordan Buckminster the 3rd.” 

“All of the major manufacturers are in this race, Bryce…The Toyota Prius is well represented, as are other hybrids like the Ford Focus, Chevy Volt, Pontiac Ohm, Volvo Current, Kia Circuit Breaker, and the Fiat Electrical Meter.  Several cars are even AC/DC – not that there’s anything wrong with that.” 

“Let’s listen in to the track announcer and the famous phrase heard at electric car races everywhere…”

Track Announcer: “Ladies and gentlemen!  Turn on your engines!  Are they on?  I can’t hear anything.  OK – would drivers please wave if your engine is on?  Maybe turn up your radios so we can hear something.  Good.”

TV Announcer: “The green flag made of natural fibers is waving here as the pit crews unplug their cars and we get our race under way.  And they’re off!  We are silently under way and – oh dear!  Number 29 is going backwards!  Someone must have put his battery in the wrong way!  Wow – almost a tragedy right at the start of our race…”

“Number 29 is Dickie Monmouth.  He has a lot of experience in the ‘AA,’ ‘C,’ and ‘D’ racing leagues, but there are a few rookies on his crew.  That mix-up is bound to cause some red faces back in the pits...”

“We’ve got some real action here today, folks.  All of our contenders are bunched up on the back straight as they zoom through the school zone at a reduced 20 miles per hour!  Let’s listen in on their radio chatter…”

      “So Preston, how about a set of doubles after the heat abates?”
“Sounds spiffy!  Say – did you see what Philbert is wearing?  Isn’t that the tackiest jumpsuit you’ve ever seen?”
“You’re not kidding!  Listen – I’ve got to pull into the pits – my seatbelt is chafing.  Let’s chat on the next lap...”

“We have a report from trackside as the race continues…”

“I’m here in the pits as we approach our first fuel stop.  We should be able to hear the driver as he communicates with his crew…”

Driver: “I’ll have a tall latte with a shot of hazelnut please guys!  And a low fat cranberry muffin!  How about some fresh flowers on the dash here?  And maybe a shot of Febreeze – that track just reeks out there.  Thanks…”

“I must interrupt since there has been some sort of incident out on the track!  It looks like one of the cars did not signal a lane change, and the other drivers are gesticulating furiously!  They are yelling back and forth at each other as they zoom around the track at speeds of up to 35 miles per hour!  I can hear them from here!” 

“Number 19 is actually stopping to write a strongly worded letter!  Oh my, the action here is fast and furious.”

“As we go to our first facial and pedicure break, it’s the Toyota Prius in first, the Chevy Booster Cable humming along in second, and the Honda Conduit in third.  And now a word from our sponsor: Scrunch – the new decaf, non-fat, organic, free-range, world-saving, green toilet paper…”

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