Sunday, July 18, 2010

Cull Anytime

Canada Geese are becoming a problem.  Big honking crowds of the marauding though polite beasts, many of them Maple Leaf fans, are being targeted by civic governments keen on controlling the spread of goose doots, leprosy, mange, spam, and other liberal propaganda.  ‘Get the flock out’ seems to be the rallying cry.

Not so in our town.  I wish to commend civic leaders here for their ingenious solution to our goose problem.

Rather than hunting them with automatic weapons, grenades, flame throwers, tanks, and B-52 bombers, as suggested by more militant members of the public (me, actually), our civic officials have decided to cull the geese by giving them cell phones so they can text each other while flying.

“This gets the geese distracted, which in turn results in them plowing into buildings, their elegant ‘V’ formations becoming ‘____’ formations on the sidewalks below,” reports city spokesman William ‘Duck’ Bill.

In addition to these building-bashing initiatives, individual geese will also be targeted by police for operating a vehicle (themselves) while using an electronic device.  A spokesperson for the police says pursuing these avian criminals will help.  “We’re going to engage in a number of wild goose chases after the cell phones are deployed I’m sure, but we’ll try to minimize their impact on the community, while encouraging impacts on tall buildings,” said the spokesman.

“If the geese are using a proper wings-free device they will be allowed to proceed with their cull.  Call.  Sorry.”

The geese are fighting back, however.  Special interest groups within the goosing community are prodding the behinds of their elected representatives.

John Beake, a spokesgoose for the Flapping Carcass Aircraft Attack Local 212, announced they have recently hired an Ottawa lobbying firm in order to have some impact on this issue.

“We’ve got gaping mouths to feed, and we’re going to cause a flap let me tell you,” hissed Beake.  “We’re going to fly to Ottawa and waddle right up to Parliament and let our feelings be known all over the sidewalk.  We are determined to fly head-on into the face of adversity, and airplanes.  We are not ducking our responsibility.  We’ll get satisfaction, one way or the eidder.”  Within hours of making this statement, Beake was charged with discharging an unlicensed pun.

To date, culling the geese has met with mixed results.  Egg addling has lowered the population in some parks, while providing a much-needed boost for local addling firms. 

Meanwhile, hunters were recently allowed to shoot several geese in a nearby farmer’s field.  Unfortunately, several airliners were also brought down in the ensuing barrage. 

Investigators believe that Boeing 737’s, used as decoys for the geese, inadvertently lured several other jets into the field, where they were blasted without delay.  Post crashem analysis of the airliners has determined that the cause of crash was ‘ingestion of several thousand pieces of number 8 birdshot from 9000 shotguns’.   

No matter what plan is chosen for your local or long distance culling, something must be done about this feathered menace which is bringing us down.  Ankles are being nipped.  Droppings, which confusingly look like campaign literature or the tubes of dirt on your lawn after it gets aerated, cause needless, disgusting smears on your shoes, children and reputation. 

Something should be done about these illegal migrants befowling our cities.  In my opinion, they ought to be banished using strong legislation. 

If only there was a place they could go to that had wide open spaces, a warm climate suitable for breeding, and lots of uncut grass and untrimmed shrubs to nest in.  A place with a history of welcoming cross-border travelers .  A place that would make them part of the community, part of the family.

Maybe a place like…Arizona

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