Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Dave's Library

Library Column by David Crawford

One of my great pleasures as a columnist is to sit in the public library and observe people reading the free copies of our newspaper, thus denying my publication the revenue it needs to get a new computer for us writers. I hate sharing this one. That other guy leaves crumbs on the keyboard which makes some of the keys stickkkkkkk…

Break! Break! Break! Start again…

Library Column - take two

It gives me enormous pride to watch someone in the public library reading the newspaper and chuckling at my column.

There are also those who, for some reason, do not read or laugh at my column, forcing me to beat them senseless with a dictionary…


EDITOR: please ignore above. My delete button isn’t working properly. It sticks (see above).

I’ll start again.

Library Column - take three

You know, I really love libraries, but my fevered brain has always wondered why there is no competition for them in today’s marketplace. I know my past business ventures (waterless car wash, door-to-door fridge sales) have failed, but you’ve got to wonder why there aren’t other libraries out there. Competition is good isn’t it?

We could advertise “lower fines, better selection, 2.9% financing, free delivery. The latest authors now available! While they last! Shop today! Everything must go! And come back!”

I can see me now, on TV, wearing a really nice, plaid sports jacket…

“Check out this baby…a classic 1981 Cujo by Stephen King – clean interior, great for the pet owner, yours for only, uh, well it’s free as long as you bring it back within 3 weeks.”

“Isn’t that amazing? That’s how we roll here at Dave’s Public Library! Everything in the store is FREE!”

“How about this 2005 J.K. Rowling. It’s a Harry Potter and is great if you have kids. This one has seen a few muggles, but is in great shape with a shiny new dust jacket. And look! It’s no charge! Did you hear that people? It’s free! Everything here at Dave’s Library is absolutely free!”

“Or check out this Margaret Atwood. It’s a 1985 Handmaids Tale, first edition, owned by a fellow who was trying to look sensitive to his girlfriend. It was only read on Sundays when she stayed over. Low, low page-turns means an incredible deal! And today, just for you, it’s free! Just like the rest of our massive inventory.”

I think I’m onto something with this whole ‘no charge’ idea. Dragon’s Den here I come!

"Buy local and Save with Dave! Unbelievable value! It’s a free enterprise!”

“Pick any volume from our stacks and take it for a test read. That’s right – take it off the shelf for a no-obligation test read. We’ll even throw in the Table of Contents absolutely free.”

“Push, pull or drag your behind into one of our comfy chairs and read a winner! No reasonable offer refused. If you want it - you got it. No hard sell here – just hard covers and compact paperbacks.”

Maybe I could get the federal government to come on board with me. Lord knows they’ve backed some really DUMB ideas before – maybe it’s time they supported a good one for a change…

“Take a look at this baby. It’s a 2005 Freakonomics. Excellent value for when you attend dinner parties and you’re looking to justify idiotic economic positions. Today only, it’s Get One Free with Every One You Get Free!

“How do we make money at Dave’s Public Library you ask? In a word – volumes. We do serious volume in volumes. Our tremendous buying power translates to significant savings off the other guy’s borrowing prices. It’s just simple economics folks!”

If I could capture just 10% of the market, goodbye column writing.

“That’s Dave’s Library! Drop by and save on books today! Enjoy a free hot dog this Saturday during our Grand Opening!”

“Newspapers available on approved sense of humour. Must have valid reading glasses.

Void where prohibited. Your page count may varyyyyyyyy.”

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