Sunday, January 3, 2010

Draconian Measures

Well it is past January 1st and we are all supposed to act grown-up when driving. I myself am practicing the art of sliding my cell phone down my sleeve upon sighting a police officer and pretending to scratch my head instead of talking. It’s all in the wrist action.

“Why no officer I don’t hear anything and I don’t have a ringing armpit, how absurd.”

Getting busted after February 1st could be interesting.

The law now clearly states that if you are caught talking on a cell phone while driving you will be executed in terrible ways, possibly involving pitchforks, and your remains will be stuck on a pole at the entrance to the city and tazed repeatedly by authorities while chanting, torch-waving crowds scream invective at your corpse.

I’m sorry – I’ve been reading about the Middle Ages lately and I got a little carried away there.

What I meant to say was that your corpse will be tazed only once at the gates of the city. My bad.

My eyelids are getting heavy…

“…For lo did the younge peoples and contractores and sellers of homes and many others use the fone devices while driving, and they didd then plow into the hind endes of the autos in fronte of them. Such crashes upset ye apple carts so to spill their goodes and wares and injure the occupantes and hinder the tax collecteth thereby and possibly involveth lawyers God forbidde amen.

“And so it came to pass that the ruler Gordone of Victoria did invoke a Lawe which stated that henceforth all citizenry woulde Nought speake into hande held devices whilste driving their powered automachines.

Foresooth it be further proclaimed that shoulde ye be founde typing of texte or Twitteringe or reading of the Holy FayceBookes while driving, yea verily wouldst thou be an idiote and dolte and hindquarter of a donkey and shouldst be pelted with stones verily.

The people did righteously say “Art there also lawes forsaking all doughnuttes and koffees and drinkes contained in bottles and lippstickes and combes for the brusching of the hairs whilst in my horseless carriage? Wouldst thou ban me from changing the numbers upon my wireless music boxe? Verily there are notte such lawes so buzze off!”

But the people didde sigh and line up at the Future Shoppes anyway because they are Canadian and sheepishe and they didde get new fones with Blueteeth things for the eares from the lande of Dorke, and cool touch screenes and kameras whiche would take naughty pictures of girlfriends and post them to their FayceBookes, blessed be they without passwords.

And Gordone of Victoria shall sende his sherriffs farr and wide to enforce his decrees, and collecteth the taxes (sorry – fynes) from those who commit peril upon the rodes and byways of the land, and they shall all live happily everafter with fewer dentes in their bumpers and fewer dents in the pedestrians and shoppes.

So sayeth The Gord.

I am so sorry - I must have nodded off there. Is that your cell phone ringing?

What’s that thing on the side of your head?


Brennan said...

GREAT STUFF! That would take me a month to write

Anonymous said...

How did I miss this latest adventure into laughter? Oye vey (or however you spell it). Loved it.