Sunday, February 8, 2009

What, No Undies?

We went to one of those high-end, million-dollar home tour things on the weekend.

These are interesting in that women tend to analyze the color choices and kitchen cabinets, whereas guys check the TV screen size, the flashing lights on the stereo, and the cool way the powered blinds go up and down.

Snide remarks are frequent no matter what the gender which is, of course, the reason you go in the first place.

Even though I’d like to live in any one of them, these places are just not homes.

They are like high-fashion models that regular guys haven’t a hope of dating. They are fantasies only, albeit ones with great siding, and I suspect would be a disappointment to actually live with, although most of us wouldn’t mind trying. I think I’m talking about the homes now. Sorry, my mind wandered off for a minute there.

Anyway, what these homes need is a dose of reality. Magazine photographers take note. You too Martha.

First of all, the floors are too clean. Add some dust bunnies for goodness sake! Preferably the size of escaped hamsters.

A few candy-encrusted Hot Wheels cars mixed in with the furballs are always a nice addition, and will make a satisfying “Glurp” sound when vacuumed.

A permanent drool stain on the floor where the dog stands during family meals (that’s the family eating, not the dog eating the family) would be nice.

Next – underwear. There are no skivvies laying about or flung haphazardly in the kids rooms. How about some delicate girly things draped elegantly over the shower bars and towel racks? Not mine though, since I have mine dry-cleaned. Nevermind.

Dog owners would feel much more inclined to purchase a home that has scooty marks on the carpet here and there. Some barf stains from when the dog ate the entire thigh bone of an elk would help too.

Bathrooms could also use some family reality. Young boys are not always accurate with their waterworks, so leaving a few ‘coins on the counter’ of the toilet seat would help. Toothpaste encrusted counters are good, as are toothpaste lids hidden along the baseboards beneath the sink.

Some Barbie doll parts, violently amputated in some long-ago encounter with a dog or psychotic child, would look lovely glued to the carpet in the hall just so.

Shallow dents in the drywall from various heads, elbows and knees cast nice shadow schemes on the walls. Holes the same size as running shoe heels at the back end of the dusty tread mill in the basement also add charm to any home.

Add some finger and hand prints to all the windows. Same goes for light switches and around the handles of drawers and cupboards. Try this: smear some peanut butter on your hands, and then open the stainless steel door of the fridge. There – that’s better.

Come on people – get real!

Lastly, cobwebs in an upper corner of the dining room will complete the family oriented look of your new home.

NOW take your pictures and I bet you’ll have actual homeowners lined up at the door in no time.

By the way – those motors on the blinds just don’t work for me.

And aren’t those colours GHASTLY?!

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