How to Sneeze

This column was a semi-finalist in the Robert Benchley Humor Writing Contest in 2010.

Sneezing is the most expressive of the human body’s functions.  Make sure yours are extra special.

Upon realizing that sternutation is imminent, today’s fashionable sneezer will pause in conversation and raise their eyebrows.  This serves as a warning to bartenders and other nobility that a Great Event is about to unfold, and observers should vacate the immediate blast area. 

During this pre-sneeze period, as your inhalation progresses, dramatically over-express yourself, like an opera singer.  Be expansive in your chest.  Wave your arms about and draw attention to your twitching features.  Yell or scream, again like an opera singer.  If a sneeze (or opera) is not immediately forthcoming, take something slender such as a chopstick or Calista Flockhart and thrust it repeatedly up your nostril to initiate the proceedings.

At the height of your inhalation, squint your eyes and cease all motion. This is the pause before the Great Storm.  It is the final notice that something wondrous is about to be born, or that you are choking on an oyster.  Be absolutely still, nose elevated slightly, arms aflutter, teary eyes about to close in the final moments before the triumphant finale.

The sound of a proper sneeze is important.  Most amateur sneezers still use the outdated Cleveland Technique of letting fly with a constrained and demure “Ssshhhhew!” sound.  This method is rarely used in competition nowadays, although it is still popular with denture wearers. 

What you want in competitions is the loudest possible expulsion from your chest, such that a single sneeze is all that is required.  If the sneeze is accompanied by the popping sound of herniating spinal discs, so much the better.

Attempting to suppress all sound by holding the nose and forcing the blast up into the cranium can pose a danger to the sneezer and those around them – particularly in theaters.  Earwax bullets shot into patrons on either side of the participant have caused needless injury, and were the impetus for the Stockholm Sneezing Protocols of 1929.  These protocols now eliminate the need to wear combat helmets at most recitals, while rifling of competitor’s ear canals has worked wonders to improve accuracy.

As with other seizures, for a high score, one must enunciate using proper verbiage.  Asian-sounding surnames are prized, with the Japanese “Hyyy-ASHiii!” being most common in tournaments.

Of Middle Eastern origin is the popular and sophisticated “Haa-BLAH-haaa!”  For truly memorable scores, professionals add a slight upward intonation at the conclusion, as though asking the romantic question, “Haa-BLAH-haaa?”

In closing, let me offer a cautionary note about arm movements, which was related to me by several members of the royal family.

It never fails that a sneeze occurs while one’s hands are occupied holding flowers, glasses of bourbon, or bottles of ketchup. While one hand must remain stationary under these circumstances, the other hand will involuntarily thrust upward from the waist in a rapid motion which may injure passersby.  Swift uppercuts administered by sneezing enthusiasts have rendered more than a few bystanders (and sneezers) unconscious, so do be careful, or sneeze only while boxing.

America can hold its head high when it comes to sneezing.  Whether amateur or professional, the people of this great country lead the world.  Bless you!

The Fashionable Sneeze

A sneeze is one of the most voluble yet personal of the involuntary body functions – make sure each one is extra special.

Upon realizing a sneeze is imminent, proper sternutation requires blinking one’s eyes and twitching the nose. This behaviour is for dramatic effect, and also serves as a warning to others that a Great Event is about to unfold and observers should vacate the immediate area.

During this pre-sneeze period, overly dramatic mannerisms should be employed. Beyond the usual phraseology of “Hava!” or “Haba!” as one inhales, one must also dramatically express oneself, as in an opera role. Be expansive in your chest. Wave your arms about and draw attention to your twitching facial features. Shake your head from side to side as you utter your “havas” during inhalation. If the sneeze is not immediately forthcoming, twist up a piece of tissue and thrust it up your nostril.

At the height of your inhalation, squint with your eyes and cease all motion. This is the pause before the Great Storm which is about to erupt. It is a final warning to those nearby that something wondrous is about to be born. Be absolutely still, nose elevated slightly, arms aflutter, tissue in hand, teary eyes about to close in the final moments before the exultant discharge.

As to verbiage questions, many amateur sneezers still use the outdated Finnish technique of little or no utterance at all, merely letting fly with a constrained “ssssshhhhew!” or sudden “Issshhh!”sound. This technique is considered passé these days, though still popular with denture wearers.

The dangers associated with more extreme Silent Sneezers are to be noted. People trying to suppress all sound by holding their nose and forcing their sinuses up into their cerebrums can be a danger to themselves and those around them – particularly in theater settings. Earwax bullets shot into patrons on either side of the sneezer cause needless injury and were the impetus for the Stockholm Sneezing Protocols of 1959. These protocols thankfully eliminate the need for catcher’s mitts and the wearing of combat helmets at recitals.

Now, as with other full body orgasms, for a really high score one must volubly express oneself with proper nouns, expressed over three syllables. Japanese linguistics are prized by aficionados, with “HyyyyyASHi!” being most common.

Of Middle Eastern origin are the popular “BlewHABBa!” and “HaaBLAH-haaaaaa!” phrases. No matter what the opening blastword happens to be, a denouement consisting of some variation of “AH-haa!!” is best. A descending note at the finish is good, but for truly memorable scores, try adding a slight upward intonation at the end of your expulsion, as though asking a question. “HaaBLAhaaa?”

Violent shaking of the cranium following a good sneeze, with associated cheek and lip wobbling, is a must in social circles. It not only allows one to shake off any flecks of foam or spittle remaining in the facial region, it also gives one time to ‘reload’ as it were, and prepare the lungs for another violent episode.

Finally, a cautionary note about arm movements.

While it is assumed that one hand is occupied with a tissue or hanky, the other appendage will usually be violently thrust upward from the waist in a movement so blindingly fast that only high speed cameras are able to record it. This spastic motion, coming as it does with one’s eyes closed and one’s body violently pitching forward in contorted motion, can be cause for concern amongst passersby. More than one pedestrian has been rendered unconscious by the violent uppercut administered to the chin by a sneezing enthusiast.

Do take care.

Splats

It being panic (sorry – flu) season and all, it’s refreshing to see people changing their hygiene habits.

Because of recent outbreaks of Bird Flu, Swine Flu, Halitosis, Dog Mange and Tendonitis, what we are now encouraged to do by health authorities is to sneeze into our elbows instead of our hands.

In the past, we were always told to “Cover your mouth!” when sneezing or coughing. Being lazy cretins, we as a population (well, guys mainly) would usually just hold our hand up in the general region of our disgusting, germ-laden snouts and let fly, resulting in containment of a good 10% of the virus-laden spray.

Even allowing for prevailing wind conditions, this lack of germ control resulted in the spread of many contagions, including bubonic plague, polio, teen pregnancy, ptomaine, botulism, syphilis, weevils, and the Liberal Party (Democrats in the 'States).

I find this a welcome change in that we are now able to SEE if people have sneezed by observing the hideous, dried material on the inside of their arms. Instead of launching ourselves on a delightful voyage of germ discovery by shaking their just-sneezed-into hands, we can just check out the inside crease of their jacket, shirt, or bathrobe.

It saddens me, though, to think that the pastime of watching men sneeze in public will become less entertaining.

Since men are not like grandmothers, whose sleeves bulge with enormous wads of facial tissue, and since men no longer carry boog-laden hankies around with them (thank goodness), they are very amusing to observe.

What men usually do is sneeze into their hand, surreptitiously glance down to confirm their suspicion that something did indeed land there, then try to camouflage that fact by wandering around, trying to look normal, all the while attempting to figure out when and where to wipe the splat from their (now) webbed fingers.

For some reason they don’t want the world to think they expelled anything and so they hide the cooling, solidifying excreta now in their (external) possession, despite witnesses knowing exactly what happened.

Men can spend extraordinary lengths of time acting nonchalant, gently cradling their ‘package’ before actually breaking down and smearing their hand on their pants, drapes, couch cushions, or their friend, whose shoulders they have just warmly embraced.

Automobiles and computer apparatus should also welcome this new sneezing protocol. Steering wheels, speedometers, computer monitors, keyboards – all have been recipients of airborne mucus impacts. Now it’s clothing’s turn.

With this new sneeze regimen, gone will be the annoyance of losing track of one’s phlegm. Knowing it emerged because you felt it hurtle past your teeth, but not being able to actually find it anywhere, can be disconcerting to a sneezer. Since your eyes close during the act, and the ‘material’ is supersonic when departing, having to engage a six-man search party to examine every square foot of carpet prior to party guests arriving will no longer be necessary.

Employing the In Your Elbow technique, you now know where your nose and throat secretions are - right there, in the crook of your arm, stretching from bicep to forearm in a disgusting yet fascinating web display that would make Spiderman proud.

It is advances such as these in the public health arena that make our lives so much better than in the past, and I'm sure you'll thank me for having brought to mind this important health initiative.

Enjoy your meal.

Elbows off the table please.