A Learning Environment

My wife and I care deeply about our children's education, and since I mainly work from home, I am able to devote a great deal of time to their needs.

This time usually begins about 10 minutes before we depart for school in the morning.

I open their backpacks and start re-filling their lunch kits with healthy, nutritious items from the Pop Tart food group, when I notice several Important School Documents that require my Immediate Attention for several parental hours.

‘Several Hours’ means time we should have devoted to our offspring last night instead of laying on the couch watching some idiotic dancing program on TV. I am consoled by the fact that while we zoned out, the children were outside getting lots of fresh air and exercise as they playfully skewered each other with sharp sticks.

This lack of attention to my children will ultimately result in them becoming Illiterate Cretins. “You Should Have Read These Important Books and Documents Last Night You Selfish Moron,” say the documents.

Seeing these Important Documents in the morning sends me into paroxysms of hyper activity, as if time spent getting lunches prepared and kids dressed and off the computer and “stop beating up your sister!” and “turn the TV off and get dressed I'm not telling you again!” and “put that knife down!” and “where is your brothers ear?” aren't frantic enough.

“Why didn’t you tell me I needed to sign this form and get rocks from your collection and cut up a milk carton for a science experiment and sew a costume for drama today and order those books and pay five bucks for a field trip?” I ask.

“Dad, you’re getting flecks of foam on my sandwich…,” one of them says. “And we did tell you last night when you were watching TV. You were staring at someone wearing a very skimpy outfit and you kept muttering “Malfunction…malfunction…” It’s a good thing Mom was asleep…”

Nailed on a technicality.

Often, the Important School Documents request that you volunteer several dozen hours per week in some helpful capacity, such as Playground Vomit Scooper, or newsletter editorial writer, or Person Organizing Volunteers for The Next Big Fundraising Idea.

My mind wanders…

“Good evening! I'm here raising money for my child's education and this week we have a nice selection of lingerie, Cuban cigars, and some watches for a very nice price. Tupperware makes a great gift. Or, how about a nice pet? It would be a shame if something were to happen to your nice house here mister so which flavour of cookie dough would you like me to sign you up for…?”

There are signatures needed for a field trip to the local penitentiary, or maybe it’s the zoo. I haven’t had my coffee yet so it’s hard to tell. Maybe it’s both. I glance at the “You can’t sue us for any reason including de-limbing by alligators…” part, then I just sign. I may be enrolling them in a prison work experience program - I have no idea.

Oh look, there are 16 overdue books, several of which I’m sure I returned but maybe to the public library. Or perhaps I sold them to the used book store. Whatever – keep signing. They’ll turn up.

It is now 30 seconds to the first bell and we are flying down the road, backpacks bulging with that days form supply, me leaning out the window yelling at people “Get out of the way – we’re on our way to school!! Which magazine would you like again? Just hand me your money at the next stoplight…”

It’s only been a few weeks since school started. I hope I make it. Want some cookie dough?

Memo to Parents

Memo To: My Fellow Parents

Re: Parenting Styles

I thought I would write you all and address some concerns that have been cropping up lately.

I must say that most of the kids who come over to play at our house have a really great time as I attend to important work matters while laying on the couch in my office.

It would appear though, that some of you have issues regarding my parenting style, or rather, the way I strap them onto the roof of our mini van when I deliver them to your homes after play dates.

While most 8 year old boys enjoy pretending to be jet pilots, I realize that using lawn chairs may not have been the best way to create this sensation, despite the limited seating in our vehicle.

I deeply regret the bee incident, although I’m sure the swelling will go down in a day or two. Remember, his mouth was open because he was laughing and not shrieking as some have reported.

By the way, we are hoping someone has found the pillow we were using as a booster seat, which flew off at some point in our journey. We heard someone was holding onto it as evidence (!) but I’m sure that is just a joke!

To address another concern raised by a parent, let me assure you that all participants in the ride were securely fastened to their lawn chairs with new bungee cords.

I’m sure you’ll understand that if, during the course of our adventure, your luggage (excuse me – child) happens to un-hook their particular cord (or gnaw through it in one memorable case), well, of course I cannot be held responsible since I’m inside driving.

In these circumstances, we pick up your son after he lands in the soft, safe, ‘no big alligators anymore!’ lake just beside Big Bend Corner on Lakeshore Drive, so no worries!

Some parents have also questioned my choice of identity tags used with their children.

I have developed an exciting new type of glue/ink mixture that keeps the brightly coloured barcodes firmly in place on your child’s forehead (just in time for school photo’s!).

These barcodes are really useful. With them we can track your child’s attendance, food preferences, allergies, any embarrassing stories they have told about Mom and Dad – all with a single scan with a hand held laser beam thing – just like Costco.

In one humourous instance, we learned all about the really bright lights in the spare garage that Jimmy isn’t allowed to play in anymore! Let’s hope Mr. Hydro Meter Man doesn’t hear about those! Don’t worry – your data is safe with us!

Those wishing to opt out of this handy bar-coding program can be assured the ink will wash off all on its own, usually within 3 years. Attempts at removing the barcodes using rubbing alcohol and belt sanders have met with mixed results. Your results may vary.

While we do not live in a completely risk-free world as you know, let me assure you that I keep my advanced chemistry lab locked at all times, along with my fireworks packing machinery, ninja weapons, New Guinea blowgun collection, and display of Bowie knives. All are safely stored in the old shed out back and I have told the boys to not go near there. I know I can trust your boy to respect our rules just like all the others.

So in summary, let me just reassure you that your concerns are being addressed and your children are in safe and capable hands at all times.

I have my Level One first aid certificate hanging on my wall (course summary: “Call 911!”), and don’t forget I have my Introductory Babysitting course from when I was 12.

Anyway – thanks for the opportunity to clear the air! Let’s have a safe play date again real soon!