Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Attempted Parenting

“Mr. Crawford, you are charged with numerous offenses under the Reckless Parenting Act.  We will begin with the first charge, Mockery in the First Degree.  How do you plead?”

“Not guilty, Your Worhipfulness!  Oh dear, I did it again, huh?”

“Indeed.  Mr. Crawford, you are charged with mocking school officials who are charged with taking care of your children during lunch break.”

“You mean the Food Nazis?”

“Er, why do you call them ‘Food Nazi’s,’ Mr. Crawford?” 

“They don’t allow trading, Your Honour!  When I was a kid, trading was very popular!  There was always some dimwitted kid who would trade his chocolate bar for an apple.  I hate apples to this day…”

“It says here you made several “Heil Hitler!” salutes behind their backs while they were criticizing the food in your children’s lunches.”

“Your Honour, I don’t see anything wrong with an occasional Pop Tart in the kid’s lunches when I’m too tired or too lazy to make a sandwich.”

“It says here the lunch supervisory staff were questioning your inclusion of a tin of cat food in the lunch…”

“Oh that!  That was just a bit of humour, your BigWigness.  It was intended as social commentary on today’s seeming obsession with, and aversion to, any type of processed food.”

“I understand processed food is bad for you, isn’t it?”

“Slicing is ‘processing’.  Cooking is ‘processing’.  Let’s begin by defining processing, shall we?  Then I’ll determine if it is in any way bad for my healthy and wonderful kids.”

“Fair comment.  We’ll dismiss that charge.  Now what about the Child Endangerment charge?  How else have you endangered your children, Mr. Crawford?”

“I believe I forced them to drink tap water, your Holiness.”

Gasps erupt in the courtroom.

“You did what?”

“Tap water.  I made my children drink tap water.”

“Mr. Crawford, your malfeasance is more serious than the prosecutor has led me to believe.  Clearly you are a menace to your children and this community.  You give me no alternative but to impose a serious sentence.  What do you have to say for yourself before I pass judgment?”

The defendant stands on his chair.

“I’d do it again your Honour!  Willingly!  I would also make my children walk to school, and play outside, and run around unsupervised in the park!  I would let them play with knives and matches and go exploring!  I would let them do dangerous things without wearing a helmet from time to time!  I refuse to buy into all this media-generated hysteria!” 

“I want my children to be capable of managing and understanding risk.  We do not live in a NERF world, Your Honour!  I want my kids to scrape their knees and elbows and maybe even get a fat lip, if it means they are having fun and being kids!  I will not be subdued!  FREEDOM!!!”

“Order!  Order!  Order in this court!  Mr. Crawford, you are hereby sentenced to 20 years hard labour, otherwise known as ‘Parenthood’ – and I praise you for your fortitude, sir!  Cases dismissed!  Good day, Sir!  Mr. Prosecutor, I would like a word with you…”

A guy can dream, can’t he?

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