Thursday, August 12, 2010

Census Concensus

Non-Canadians will not get half of this.  Canadians, however, will laugh their heads off.  I hope.

Long Form Consensus by David Crawford

Before everyone blows a gasket regarding this whole long form census issue, let’s take a look at what questions are on it so we can make an informed decision and THEN fly off the handle. 

Are you a refugee?  If so, where in Alberta are you from?
  1. Ft. McMurray/Newfoundland
  2. Calgary
  3. Edmonton
  4. Some other Godforsaken wasteland

Were you born in:
  1. A barn?  Please close the door.
  2. A stable
  3. A roadside attraction such as the world’s largest ball of armpit hair. 
  4. Toronto (same as C)

If you are a resident of British Columbia, please tell us about your grow operation:
  1. It is in the basement
  2. It is in the shed out back
  3. It is a wonder to behold
  4. Do you have any Doritos?

What is your phone number?
  1. Your real number, not the fake one you give to pervy guys in bars.
  2. Only one number please, Mr. Vander Zalm. 
  3. I know that’s you under the burqa Mr. Vander Zalm and you’ve already signed now take off.
  4. ‘867-5309’ is not a real phone number, it’s a song title.  We get that all the time.

Does anyone in your household have a disability?  If yes, please choose your handicap:
  1. I am a member of the federal Liberal party
  2. I am related to  *insert name of cabinet minister here* and suffer acute embarrassment as a result
  3. I am deaf from the sound of pine beetles chewing trees nearby
  4. You have to actually be logging before you can have a debilitating injury so we’re good

Are you able to speak English or French well enough to conduct a conversation?
  1. Yes, that means you Mr. Chretien
  2. And you, Mr. Ignatief
  3. No, I am Canadian
  4. You’ll get your turn to answer a question soon, Mr. Layton, so please just sit down.  Put your arm down.  There’s a good boy.

What languages other than English or French do you speak?
  1. Pilsner
  2. Tim Horton’s – “double double” etc.
  3. Starbucks – “personal Grande decaf non-fat ristretto shot caramel machiatto no whip mocha cholesterol stroke paralyser latte transmission” etc
  4. Short order cook - “Adam and Eve on a raft” etc.
  5. TXT – no 1 ovr 40 cn rd ths LOL

What was your last level of ethnicity completed?
  1. Some Irish
  2. Some English/Chinese
  3. Some Scottish
  4. I dated a Jewish girl once

Tell us about your political affiliations
  1. I am a member of the Green party and should therefore be shunned
  2. I am a member of the NDP and therefore I already am shunned
  3. I am a Liberal and I think I’ve suffered enough
  4. I am a Conservative and will ask the PM what the rest of my answer should be, please call back in an hour

Do you currently own or operate a farm?
  1. You poor sap
  2. Camp fires made from chopped down apple or cherry trees are awesome
  3. You actually still grow apples?  See answer ‘A’
  4. If you grow something other than apples or cherries, is your crop for ‘medicinal’ purposes, such as glaucoma?
  5. Can we come over and check it out?

How did you earn a living last year?
  1. Self employed – writer
  2. Ha ha ha ha ha!  That’s hilarious!  No seriously – did you make any money last year?
  3. Who are you kidding?  Don’t trifle with us.  We know you’re a writer
  4. We are the federal government you know
  5. Give us all your money anyway and we’ll pretend we didn’t have this conversation

What is the best thing to do to people who say words like ‘orientate’ or ‘nucular’?:
  1. They should be disemboweled with a blunt wooden farm implement
  2. They should be put in a sales seminar with all the ‘relators’
  3. This is a Canadian survey, Mr. Bush.  Buzz off.
  4. They should be forced to listen to all 500 Stompin’ Tom Connors albums until there ears bleed.  Actually, that happens after one album so never mind.

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