Sunday, March 8, 2009

Shampoo - Now With A Fresh Clean Scent!

The woman in front of me at the grocery store express line (12 items or less) had 18 items. I counted. I was generous in my assessment, even with controversial items like 2 bunches of bananas, which I counted as one item.

She had 18 items. She knew it. I knew it. The people behind me knew it.

As she turned and put her now empty basket into the pile with the others, she sheepishly looked at me and said “I guess I went a little over the limit.”

“Well then get out of the line you illiterate moron” I said, smacking her with a National Enquirer.

I didn’t really do that. I wanted to though. I’m sure the people behind me did too.

I was buying a single bottle of shampoo (note my strict adherence to line regulations), and until I was distracted by the selfish twit in front of me, I had been quietly musing about the growing trend of putting food on our hair.

A stroll down the shampoo aisle is puzzling these days, in that it seems unguent manufacturers want to cover my remaining hair with salad.

Ingredients from the produce department include peaches, kiwis, coconuts, mangoes, oranges, cucumbers, fructises, ostriches, black forest ham, and, I think, celery.

Granted, celery does grow quickly, which would be great if this attribute was imparted to my head. Celery is also green and grows in clumps however, and it is these features which do not (currently) appeal to me.

This whole idea of your hair smelling nice got started with a product called Jeez Your Head Smells Terrific. Or maybe it was Hey Your Nits are Cleared Up. Something like that.

It was yummy smelling and beat the heck out of that baby stuff. When I heard that girls liked boys who used it, I bought a case or ten, in the jaundiced belief that it would drive women wild with passion, with me this time, based purely on the smell of my noggin.

Understand this was back when I had long hair. It was really quite nice – curly, clean, and long enough to almost make you think your daughter was dating a rock musician.

I had the long hair until the day after I embarrassed my family at a friends wedding. It had been a hot day, we had to stand a lot, and I remember my vision going all wonky. Then I awoke looking heavenward from between the pews.

A gentleman in the row ahead of us peered over and whispered “Is she ok?”

Off came the hair. On went a scruffy beard.

What does this have to do with shampoo? Well nothing, but I appreciate the opportunity to do a little mental cleanse from time to time.

So what can we look forward to in the world of shampoo ingredients you ask? Personally, I hope to see hair condiments with back to nature themes.

Products like Bark Mulch Conditioner or Carbon Neutral Cleanse. OrganoCrud maybe.

Roast Beef Rub? How about Gee Your Hair Smells Like Beans?

In the interest of science, I’m going to let our kids start experimenting with other foodstuffs and see what works in the follicle department. They tried dumping oatmeal on their heads when they were younger, so now maybe we’ll try Alpha Bits or Shreddies. Maybe even in the bath tub this time.

If cereal cleans hair, think of how much faster we could all get ready in the morning! We’ll have to work out where to put the sugar bowl in the shower of course, but that’s a minor detail.

I also figure washing your hair with, say, Caesar salad might give it a fullness you had heretofore lived without. Having a head smelling of garlic might be tantalizing. Then again, the croutons would probably scrape your scalp, and you might get those little fish in your ears when rinsing. That particular trend may take a while to catch on.

I suggest you stick with mainstream produce in the meantime, until our research is complete.

Johnson and Johnson fruit salad anyone?

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