Olympic Observations

I have been watching with keen interest the Beijing Olympics – and not just women’s beach volleyball. Honest.

I have some relevant observations which I think should land me an analyst position with the CBC in short order.

• How is it the divers can enter the water so gracefully (like me) and not lose their swimsuits (like me)?

• I cannot help but comment on the scandalous amount of makeup our synchronized swimmers are wearing. I think it is shameful - they look like tarts and this practice must be halted immediately. Shocking – these are young women! And those swimsuits! Don’t they have anything more revealing?

• I admit I watch javelin throwing mainly to see if one of the judges gets skewered. I’ve seen a few of those videos on the internet which I find quite darkly entertaining. I personally think the judges should be tied to stakes out at the world record mark and see what happens.

• I think the best commercial so far is the gas station one where the guy comes in with a briefcase full of money and meekly says “Pump number 3?”

• I’m also intrigued by the Bombardier commercial where everyone in the world is humming Oh Canada – very amusing. Where does a guy get one of those face massages? Do I have to travel to India or are they provided locally? I also think giving one of those massages would be entertaining, especially if you don’t like your customer.

• Those canoes don’t look like anything I’ve ever paddled in, let me tell you. Where do you put your sandwiches?

• I would enjoy meeting Michael Phelps and, after appropriate introductions, wrestle him to the ground and closely examine the back of his head. I suspect there is a blowhole there and I would like to confirm this hypothesis.

• I am also curious if Michael Phelps is any relation to Jim Phelps of Mission Impossible fame.

• I keenly observe that taekwondo participants appear to be dressed like hockey players sans skates. I think the NHL could benefit from this and should immediately allow kicks to the head from here on.

• Conversely, I suppose taekwondo participants might benefit from being able to pull an opponents jersey over their head prior to kicking the bejeesus out of them.

• When did the spelling of Tae Kwon Do change to alloneword anyway?

• This reporter is actively investigating, on behalf of my male comrades, how to fake fireworks in our nation’s bedrooms. I will get back to you.

• My children have helpfully suggested that pole vaulters get jabbed with spikes if they hit the bar.

• Those TV cameras mounted to sleds beside the running track are pretty cool. Can you imagine the great footage you could get for your home movies with a few of those babies?

• Same with the camera that plummets at the same speed as a diver and into the water. I suspect the camera guy gets extra pay for the constant dunking, trudging back up, dunking etc. Consult your union manual brother!

• The Decathlon is a grueling event, which comprises several different sports (collectively called a ‘thlon’ – hence the name). The sports include running, jumping, fencing, decking, shoveling and raking. Weeding was removed from the list after complaints from the Russians.

• Hurdling is amusing to watch, as it consists of Free Tibet protesters running through anti-riot barricades in the fastest time possible without being shot.

• Watching the Olympics for the first time in High Definition is pretty swell. I can now see every bead of sweat, every blemish, every wrinkle, and every ounce of determination visible on every TV hosts face. The athletes, not so much.

• These games are perpetuating a tired cliché. I watch them for hours, only to find myself hungry for more just a short time later.