Thursday, August 21, 2008

Inventions We Need

Once again humanity is about to benefit from my intellect (which I humbly submit is considerable), having just created a list of brilliant inventions which will make me even wealthier than I am today. Admittedly, this will not be difficult.

First, I envision a radio intercept/broadcasting thingy which will allow me to broadcast my voice on a narrow band in front of or behind my vehicle, out to a range of several hundred meters. This device will allow me to interrupt any sound broadcasting inside the vehicle of drivers who annoy me or who do rude, inconsiderate things. It is not a loudspeaker – my voice will only be audible inside other vehicles.

Imagine being able to yell “Hey you in the white truck! Yes you! You’re a jerk! Stop cutting people off! Ha! Ha! Thank you – please resume speeding”.

This device will be immensely satisfying, as you can imagine. The ability to vent uncontrollably, and actually be heard by the target of your wrath (instead of your kids in the back seat) will be GREAT!

Now I can unleash my wrath upon those whose driving skills do not measure up to my high standards. Or upon those whose masculinity seems to be entirely encompassed in their automobile.

There they’ll be, not advancing into the intersection during a green light like they are supposed to (and you know who they are), when my irritated, blustery voice will magically boom into their automobile and bellow “Advance into the intersection! Immediately! It’s OK – don’t worry about it. You won’t die! Go ahead! Muhahaha…”

Now I won’t have to pull up beside Porsche drivers and ask them if their little sister knows they are driving their Miata? I can challenge them right in their own vehicle.

It would also give one the ability to broadcast something wonderfully Canadian like “Oops! Sorry! Didn’t see you there!”

In the U.S., one could gently ask the other driver to put that gun down. You could really annoy people by asking who this Obama blowhard guy is – completely anonymously!

You could interrupt the fatty in the McDonalds drive-thru ahead of you and make sure they ordered a diet Coke this time.

Investors – line forms on the left.

Next on the list of priceless inventions would be my Virus Identi-Swab. A simple swab inside the mouth will identify exactly what is ailing you, and where or from whom you got it. You would be able to say that what you have contracted is definitely not ‘that flu bug that’s been going around’, but instead say “Yes I have a new strain of malaria, given to me by my cubicle mate 3 days ago – see this?”

Now and forevermore, there will be no controversy or guessing as to what ails you. Is it a flu or just a common cold? Does your employee really have an illness or is she merely hung over? Where DID your teenager get that cough from? This new swab will tell you.

I suppose this miraculous device may shake up health care a little bit, such as the complete elimination of doctors - but we can discuss that minor detail another time mmmkay?

Lastly, I’d like to introduce my Personal Annoyance Forehead Timer. This is a fairly large display unit that is gently implanted into your forehead. By activating a discreet switch on the inside of your left wrist, a bright, fluorescent clock appears prominently above your eyebrows, counting down from 10 seconds.

This timer politely shows your conversation partner exactly how much longer you are willing to put up with them, or how much longer you are willing to listen to their time-wasting drivel. Other visual clues include turning to ones computer or picking up the phone, or rustling the pages of your newspaper just prior to turning the page.

Ah – and there goes your timer now. Good day.

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