Friday, March 4, 2011

Despot Depot

Hi folks!  It’s Reggy Side, down here at The Despot Depot – your one stop shop for all your tyrant needs.

We have a huge selection, like this used, 82-year old Mubarek.  It’s in good condition for an older model – look – not a single bullet hole!   And it comes with built-in family financing.  

We’ve got dozens of despots to choose from.  One-of-a-kinds, knockoffs, imitators, dictators – you name it, we’ve got it. 

Take this 1973 Pinochet Junta.  They just don’t make ‘em like this any more folks!  Getting one of these would be a real coup, let me tell you.  It’s got that distinctive South American flare, its own constitution, and comes with choice American financing! 

We are a licensed Sultan dealer as well.  Watch out for new inventory soon, and believe me, there’s nothing like a good, used Sultan Emir.  These babies can put down some serious revolutions per minute, let me tell you. 

Here at the Despot Depot we have Third world models at First world prices.  There is no Second world – we’ve taken out the middle man and lined him up against the wall to save you money!

There’s new inventory arriving daily, and next week we’re having our push, pull, or drag promotion.  Bring down your current Despot and we’ll arrange for you to get going in something new right away!  For every Despot dragged in, we’ll give you an Election, absolutely free.  You heard me right, folks – a free Election with every Despot trade-in!

Here at Despot Depot we know that before you can move up to something like an Election, you’ll need something basic to tide you over.  We’ve got Generals, Ruling Councils, and Committees.  Don’t go rumbling through the streets in tanks – come in and see us for all your needs. 

Check out our ads on Facebook and Twitter! 

Get this - to celebrate the grand opening of our new Ben Ali Dealership in Tunisia, we’re told we’ll soon receive a Gaddafi! That’s right! Coming soon, a colourful, long-lasting Gaddafi - single owner, tinted glasses, and a little hard to control, this bad boy will get your heart racing!  You’ll want to check out the upholstery on this one too, made from the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 different uniforms and goofy hats.

Maybe you’re a new country, just starting out, and you need an economy model.  Well why not this 1979 Somoza?  It features nationalized companies, kickback steering, and no opposition!  Production of this model ended in 1980, so hurry while they last. 

Alternatively, we have a limited supply of Sandanistas and Contras.  I know – hard to tell them apart from a distance, but still a reasonable despot alternative for the growing economy.

Did I mention we have a HUGE selection?  We’ve got Mao’s, and Stalin’s, Pol Pots and Tin Pots.  We’ve got everything from well-heeled Mussolini’s on up to the big dada of them all – the Idi Amin.

The hottest models are from the Middle East and are arriving daily! 

So join the crowds and come on down to the Despot Depot.  All your tyrant needs in one convenient location, next to that big warehouse known as the, uh, Central Inventory Association. 

*Void where prohibited by revolutionary law.  Do not attempt this at home, or without buns tied to your head. Strafing not included. Offer subject to change and availability.  Not responsible for injuries sustained while shopping.  Prices do not include secret police surveillance device implants.  Your results may vary.  No tyrants were harmed during the writing of this column.

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