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Summer Daze

Authors note:  I recently re-worked an oldish column and sent it in to America's Funniest Humor writing contest.  Results are announced on April 21st I think.  I've won the contest 3 times now - I'm hoping for a 4th but we'll see.  Anyway - here's my entry.  Thanks for reading.

When we go to the beach, I really get into it.  I close my eyes and, listening to the waves crashing to shore, I’m transported to tropical locales like Hawaii, or Tahiti, or Fred’s Fake N’ Bake Tanning Emporium.  Surrounded by palm trees and the enchanting smell of fragrant flowers or Glade South Pacific #6, I relax hugely. 

Such was the case recently at a local lake.  We had brought all our swim toys and I was trying out a new big, green inflatable chair, complete with headrest. 

It was heavenly.  It was nap time.  I thought I had put sunscreen on my face…

Off I went, splashing into the water, lying back in the chair.  Ahhhhhh.  I was instantly far, far away, lounging in a tropical pool, enjoying peeled grapes and drinks in coconut shells.  Knowing the attentive staff would alert me to any danger from sharks or predatory flip-flop salesmen, I fell asleep.    

The sun blazed.  My sleep deepened as the waves rocked me gently.   A rivulet of drool formed a crusty line across my cheek, reminiscent of a Prussian dueling scar.

I stayed close to shore at first, then a change in the wind steered me away, my magnificent body and the large chair acting as an effective sail.

Head lolled back, mouth agape, eyelids twitching REMily, I drifted out to lake…

Past the swim platform, beyond the line of white marker buoys, out I went into the commercial shipping lanes.  Well, the parasail boat and yahoos on jet skis lanes, anyway.

Boaters who sighted me consulted their nautical manuals, confused as to what a bright red-over-green marker buoy indicated.  I was a hazard to navigation they were unfamiliar with. 

Eventually, someone overcame the smell of burning flesh and approached.

“Hey Mister!” a young boater hailed, hand waving in front of him.  “You okay?  Wake up!”

I came to and, using my finely honed sense of self-awareness, determined something was amiss.  For one thing, my head was the size of a basketball.  I could barely open my eyes – my face had become ridiculously swollen from sunburn and imminent heatstroke. 

I looked up through puffy slits and saw several pleasure boats close by, their operators staring at me with a mixture of curiosity and revulsion.

“Hewwo!” I croaked.  My mouth wasn’t working properly.  It too was swollen. 

“My mouf feelth funny, and I fink I thunbunned my dung thumhow!” 

The boaters were straining to understand what I was saying.  “Thunbunned!  My dung!” I said, pointing.  “Thith doth not feel too goob…” 

I spoke more slowly to enunciate properly.

“Do-you-hab-any-watta?”  

Later, covered in fire extinguisher powder from a helpful boater, I paddled slowly back to civilization, using the inefficient, two-handed stroke common to floaty-chair occupants.  My horrifying facial igneousness parted the crowds of swimmers before me, in much the same manner as a large shark might, or Godzilla.

Coming in to shore I heard a lady hush her children.  “Don’t stare at the red Elephant Man,” she said.  “Some people are born that way...”

As I stumbled closer to our section of beach, my wife looked alarmed.

“Please don’t hurt the children,” she said, clutching a stick.  “Oh!  It’s you, dear!   What in God’s name happened to your head?”

You know, I think I understand how lake monster legends get started now.  I seem to be a living legend myself.  Amongst hospital staff, anyway.

Please pass the aloe.

This Reminds Me Of A Sneeze The Other Day...

That's Camilla On The Left...

I got a new door stop...

Works pretty good...

Royal Canadian Air Force Given Important Role

In the enforcement of the No-Fly Zone over Libya, the Canadian air force has been given the important task of dropping bits of airplane on the enemy.

This task is ideally suited to the Canadians, given the advanced age of their CF-18 aircraft.

Already, Italian authorities are hailing the Canadian pilots for the accuracy of their bombing, even though the bombing was pieces of avionics gear which fell out of one aircraft just prior to landing.

During their trans-Atlantic flight to the war scene, Canadian pilots were praised by officials in Iceland, Ireland, England, France and other countries, after the air force fighters overflew their airspace.

An Icelandic government spokesman reports "We got a wheel!"

France declared "Ici une radio et une petit missile."

It is unclear what role, other than disintegration, the Canadian air force can play in the current conflict.

"We can always use odd pieces of metal falling on the enemy," reports the NATO air commander.  "Canadians are noted as excellent piece droppers, having proved themselves over and over again in Kosovo, where they are still recovering pieces of wing, cockpit and engine."

Watch this space for further details, as they drop.

No Fly Zone Report

I recently purchased some odd trousers.

I refer to them as a no-fly zone.

Thank you.  That is all.

No Fly Zone

There seems to be some confusion here in Canada about the situation in Libya.

We are not sure if Canada's air force will participate in the no fly zone, or if the Canadian Air Force itself is a no fly zone.  I will report back to you when the situation is clarified.

Radiation Concern

I know everyone is freaking out over the radiation leaking from the reactors in Japan.  Here are some simple guidelines to help steer you through this crisis:

If you experience symptoms such as vomiting, diarrhea, or dizziness, immediately stop reading this blog.  Your symptoms should cease immediately. 

Don't worry about  the radiation. 

End of guidelines.  Thank you.

Out the Back Door

Federal communications officials are investigating complaints of obscenity on public radio channels. 

The following transcript is of an exchange on the radio between an airport shuttle driver and his dispatch office.  The driver is experiencing difficulty with the locking mechanism on the back (luggage) door of his bus.

“Dispatch, my back door is broken.”

“Beg pardon?”

“My back door. It’s stuck in the open position.”

Pause.  Pause.

When radio microphone is first keyed, the sound of fluid spraying from a mouth can be heard.  A few seconds later…“Your back door is stuck open?” (sound of barely restrained snickering can be heard in background)

“Yes.  I’ve fiddled with it but it won’t close properly.  I don’t think it’s frozen, it feels like something mechanical has broken inside there.”

Long pause.

“Really? Inside your back door?” Pause.  “Something mechanical you say.  I see.” Long pause.  “And you cannot close it?”

“Well, it will close, but it comes open when I move.  I squirted some WD-40 in there but it hasn’t helped.”

Really long pause.

(Uncontrolled hooting and laughter can be heard in the background during next transmission) “You squirted some lubricant…” Pause. “… in your back door?”

“Yes.  Then, as I was squirting it in, the little straw thingy came off and slipped inside.”

No radio transmissions for thirty seconds.

“I’m sorry for the delay in responding…”  Long pause. “What happened again?”

“When I was squirting lube inside my back door, trying to loosen the mechanism, the little tube thing on the end came off and fell inside.  I can’t get it out.”

Dead silence for approximately one minute.

“Oh dear.” Pause. “That’s unfortunate.” Long pause.  “Have you tried anything else to fix the problem?”

“Well, I went to the car wash and washed it with hot water.  I thought it might loosen things up a little but it didn’t work.”

Very long pause.

“I see.”  Pause. “You washed it with hot water.  Good.  Soap too?”

“Yes.”

 “Has anything fallen out of your back door while you’ve had this problem?”

“No, all the passengers were off-loaded when it got stuck, thank goodness.  Nothing has fallen out.”

Long silence.

“Well, try to secure the door in some way and come back to the depot.”

A few minutes later…

“OK – I’ve got my back door secured, using a clamp from the jumper cables.”

Pause.

“Ah.  And how did that work?”

“Well, I opened up the clamp and squeezed it around one edge of the opening, then tied the other end inside.”

Very long pause.

“I see.”  Silence.  “Are you able to drive now?”

“Yeah – I should be fine.  I can’t pick up any more passengers though.  I mean – what if it flops open unexpectedly again?”

Very long silence.

Finally…”Great job”  Pause.

“Return to base and we’ll have someone take a look at it.”

Pause.

“Maybe a proct… oh nevermind.”

Transcript ends.

Authors Note: this is an absolutely true story.  I was the driver.  The conversation is fictional, but the action was all too real, and I got the giggles when trying to fix things.  And you wonder where my columns come from...  

Brief Personal Health Report

I have an annoying sore thumb, a result of it being twisted in the handle of a piece of luggage.

It is annoying since, being a sore thumb, it sticks out like a, well, sore thumb.

Thank you.

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #9

Pertaining to Recreational Vehicles

- Hooking up always means a good time

- You pull it.

- This model has a slide in/slide out feature

- For safety, this one has a rear-facing camera

- This one kneels for easy entry

Phrases Overheard during recent Middle Eastern Despot Conference Call

"I haven't had stiffening resistance in over 20 years!"

"This Facebook thing is a pain in the frozen assets"

"So then I said 'Roll over, Nellie, I can't see the screen'"

"I got absolutely bombed last night!"

"Is strafing the same as un-friending?"

Despot Depot

Hi folks!  It’s Reggy Side, down here at The Despot Depot – your one stop shop for all your tyrant needs.

We have a huge selection, like this used, 82-year old Mubarek.  It’s in good condition for an older model – look – not a single bullet hole!   And it comes with built-in family financing.  

We’ve got dozens of despots to choose from.  One-of-a-kinds, knockoffs, imitators, dictators – you name it, we’ve got it. 

Take this 1973 Pinochet Junta.  They just don’t make ‘em like this any more folks!  Getting one of these would be a real coup, let me tell you.  It’s got that distinctive South American flare, its own constitution, and comes with choice American financing! 

We are a licensed Sultan dealer as well.  Watch out for new inventory soon, and believe me, there’s nothing like a good, used Sultan Emir.  These babies can put down some serious revolutions per minute, let me tell you. 

Here at the Despot Depot we have Third world models at First world prices.  There is no Second world – we’ve taken out the middle man and lined him up against the wall to save you money!

There’s new inventory arriving daily, and next week we’re having our push, pull, or drag promotion.  Bring down your current Despot and we’ll arrange for you to get going in something new right away!  For every Despot dragged in, we’ll give you an Election, absolutely free.  You heard me right, folks – a free Election with every Despot trade-in!

Here at Despot Depot we know that before you can move up to something like an Election, you’ll need something basic to tide you over.  We’ve got Generals, Ruling Councils, and Committees.  Don’t go rumbling through the streets in tanks – come in and see us for all your needs. 

Check out our ads on Facebook and Twitter! 

Get this - to celebrate the grand opening of our new Ben Ali Dealership in Tunisia, we’re told we’ll soon receive a Gaddafi! That’s right! Coming soon, a colourful, long-lasting Gaddafi - single owner, tinted glasses, and a little hard to control, this bad boy will get your heart racing!  You’ll want to check out the upholstery on this one too, made from the Colonel’s secret recipe of 11 different uniforms and goofy hats.

Maybe you’re a new country, just starting out, and you need an economy model.  Well why not this 1979 Somoza?  It features nationalized companies, kickback steering, and no opposition!  Production of this model ended in 1980, so hurry while they last. 

Alternatively, we have a limited supply of Sandanistas and Contras.  I know – hard to tell them apart from a distance, but still a reasonable despot alternative for the growing economy.

Did I mention we have a HUGE selection?  We’ve got Mao’s, and Stalin’s, Pol Pots and Tin Pots.  We’ve got everything from well-heeled Mussolini’s on up to the big dada of them all – the Idi Amin.

The hottest models are from the Middle East and are arriving daily! 

So join the crowds and come on down to the Despot Depot.  All your tyrant needs in one convenient location, next to that big warehouse known as the, uh, Central Inventory Association. 

*Void where prohibited by revolutionary law.  Do not attempt this at home, or without buns tied to your head. Strafing not included. Offer subject to change and availability.  Not responsible for injuries sustained while shopping.  Prices do not include secret police surveillance device implants.  Your results may vary.  No tyrants were harmed during the writing of this column.

Things that Sound Dirty but Aren't #8

At The Carwash

• "In winter I never use soap - I just rinse it off"
• "Just twist the knob to get started"
• "Aim the nozzle straight into any cracks for best results"
• Caution: liquid under pressure can cause serious injury
• "Work your way from the top down"
• Use paper towels to wipe off afterwards
• Try to avoid getting sprayed in the eyes
• "You've got to bend over to really clean those lugnuts"

Canada Gets Tough on Gaddafi

The Government of Canada has taken swift action against Libyan leader Moamar Gaddafi by freezing his Canadian assets. 

The assets, which include several winning Tim Hortons rrrrolled up cup rims (4 free coffees, 2 doughnuts), were confiscated in accordance with UN Security Council resolutions pertaining to beverages, snacks, and minor assets such as bank accounts and real estate.

The action has hurt the Libyan leader, such that he plans to resign immediately, according to aides close to the middle eastern wing nut. 

"He was really looking forward to sneaking over to the Tims in Afghanistan and having a double double and a fritter.  He's pretty good at chewing up the rim of the cup to see if he won anything," reports a source close to the nut job.