Sunday, October 24, 2010

An Introduction to Classical Music

Scientists have recently discovered strains of classical music that are directly responsible for outbreaks of opera.  Before another major opera pandemic erupts, causing needless and painfully loud singing, I feel it necessary to explain the pathology of this scourge before it is too late.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, scientist Phil Harmonic (16 Parkside Lane, Kelowna), defines classical music as music played mainly on instruments of the string family, which includes violins, jellos, wide-mouth bass and victrolas. When a number of these mutate together, it is called an orchestra, which should always have a positive conductor, a neutral conductor, and a ground. 

Actually, conductors have nothing to do with music – I was just looking at an electrical diagram.  Pay no attention. 

Other components of an orchestra include a brass section (French horns, strumpets, floozies, tubes, monkeys), your windywood section (oboys, baboons, bassinettes, accordions), and your permission section (drums, tiffanies, kettles, woods, irons, putters, snares).  Interestingly, ‘Iron, Putter and Snare’ is the name of my Uncle’s law firm.

Classical music got its start during the Broke period of 1622 when several people in idiotic wigs decided to play with their clavicles (ahem) to create an erotic dance craze known as the ‘polka’.  Composers in Spain simultaneously came up with a craze called the ‘Macarena’, for which they were immediately burned at the stake.    

Other notable times in classical music were the Romantic period which started in 1812 during the Battle of Overture, the Trashy period (1850 and up), Obese period (1910 plus service charges), and the Modern period (1929, marked down from 1975). 

Some of the men in wigs and stockings who started all this included such notables as Franki Vivaldi and the Four Seasons, Bock, Handle, Brahmins, List, Chevrolet, Lou Bait-Oven, John Strauss, and Moe Zart. These men were the rock stars of their time, trashing castle rooms between concertos, dreaming up new types of songs like your Sonatas, Camry’s, Areas, Ditties, Foxtrots, Jives and Heydudes. 

These songs were further sub-categorized into Soundtracks (Star Wars, Godfather, Simpsons), About To Be Devoured (when some moron in a scary movie wanders off alone), Overtones, Movements, Concerts, Plays, Church, Restaurant, Elevator, and Westerns.  Other mutations include cannons by Pickleballs, airline commercials, and marching band noise/music.  

So that is what classical music is in a general sense, but how is it played, you ask?  “With great difficulty,” I answer.

You see, classical music is a series of ‘scales,’ which are found on ‘fish,’ who are not deft violin ‘players,’ but are tasty in recipes of ‘note,’ ‘notes’ having something to do with ‘melody,’ which appear in great number on pages of ‘music.’ 

It takes years of diligent study to figure out how to print these pages, during which time the musician figures out how to put his fingers in his ears while his roommate practices his bagpipes.  He does this (plugs ears) to staunch the blood flow from his head, and also to occupy his fingers to prevent strangling the source of the dreadful sound assaulting his senses.   

The other way to learn classical music is to play piano in some tacky lounge or cruise ship (same thing), tickling out 400 year-old melodies to wretched alcoholics who pound back boilermakers in an attempt to understand why they are actually listening to classical music.  Something like that, anyway.

So there you go – classical music in a nutshell. 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take my kid to chopsticks lessons.  Then I’m going Chopin, so I’ll be Bach in a minuet.

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