So I'm working on about 80 partial columns and ideas at the moment, all in various stages of perfection and Pulitzer-worthiness, so I thought I'd jot down a few of the things I'm working on.
People do that on blogs apparently.
Now in order to understand how I write a column, you must understand how my brain works. It's different, let me tell you.
What happens is I'll think up a stupid sentence or circumstance, or experience one (like bending over to pick up something on the floor in the kitchen and bashing my head into unconciousness on the granite countertop), and so I jot it down in my Ideas file on this laptop here.
As I let the idea bop around my head (or 'fester' as medical authorities describe it), I keep adding other, related bits of humour to the pile, until I have enough dumb stuff to mold into a column. Hopefully. Keeping things on theme with any kind of focus is extraordinarily challenging for a scatterbrain such as myself, but I get there occasionally.
So here are some bits and pieces floating around up there:
With all the controversy about airport scanners these days, no one has seen the positive side to this issue. Namely, using these scanners as health screening devices.
Overheard at the airport recently: "Would the passenger on Westjet Flight 243, seated in seat 12a, please see your doctor about that polyp..."
"We have reached our cruising altitude, would all passengers now please roll over onto their left side and take a deep breath. Hold it! Good. We'll now serve sandwiches..."
"Any passengers interested may now purchase headphones, or if you don't need sound for your viewing pleasure you can just tune in channel 9 for a picture of Mr. Baker's spleen."
"Did you swallow that ball bearing when you were a kid sir?"
"Passengers scheduled for a barium swallow, or 'airline coffee' as we humourously call it, please report to the first class lounge."
And so on...
Other columns being excreted soon will concern vacuum related humour and some stories about my sordid past (including a bear skin rug), an announcement regarding the Crawford Annoyance Scale (which is expected to rival the Richter scale in popularity), a column comparing curling to baseball (somehow) for my American readers, and I'm sure some more stuff I can't recall at the moment.
So sit back, relax, and hug yourself in delicious anticipation of the thrills and spills to soon follow. Don't touch that dial!!