Sunday, December 28, 2008

New Year's Resolved

The thing with New Year’s resolutions is you need to actually make some before you can fail to follow through with them and rack yourself with guilt for the balance of the fiscal year.

Me? I live my life according to the Latin principle of Carpe Diem, or, “Fish – 10 cents”.

Something like that.

I also try to seize the day, try new things, and generally get into mischief wherever possible.

With my wife’s permission now of course.

Prior to meeting my bride, though, I lost my mind fairly frequently and did strange things. Like entering Revenue Canada buildings voluntarily, or leaping out of aircraft.

See, I make New Years Resolutions, some more achievable than others. Apropos skydiving, I had finally run out of excuses not to by about August one time.

This was about 80 pounds ago I guess. At standard conversion rates, and adjusting for inflation (mine), that makes it about 1993.

Now, it takes a fair amount of courage to commit to these things let me tell you. The skydiving instructor had to pry my fingers from the side of the door, and I left large, bloody scratch marks down the side of the plane, and people on the ground actually heard me screaming until the parachute opened. But apart from that I was pretty brave.

The point, and I think I have one in here somewhere, is that you have to live your life to the fullest, win one for the Gipper, eat that ice cream, step in front of that train, kiss that rather attractive flight attendant, and eat that entire layer of chocolates!

I have! Well, eaten the ice cream anyway. And the chocolates. OK and the flight attendant thing was long ago but the 6 months’ probation was worth it, and being banned from all Air Canada flights is not necessarily a bad thing.

Now, jumping out of a still-functioning aircraft may seem heroic, but truth be told, shrieking like a girl and blubbering all the way home has left deep emotional scars in me. And that was just my instructor – I was in even worse shape.

So conquer your fear. THAT’S what I meant to talk about! Overcoming your fear!

Why?! Because there are talk show producers waiting to book you onto television! Because there are self-help people out there who need to sell you on-line courses and books and they need to speak at your next convention!

Trust me – if you ever want to become a truly successful, lazy, fat slob you have got to go white water rafting, or bungie jumping, or become an astronaut or Prime Minister. You know – dumb stuff that will make the 6 o’clock news if you fail.

Then you marry a wonderful cook, buy that life insurance, have kids, throw your back out, and lay on the couch eating bon bons, watching videos of crazy people doing crazy stunts like you used to.

Believe me – it is a wonderful life, better than that nauseating movie of the same name they keep showing before Christmas.

I think what I’m trying to say here is – make that New Year’s resolution.

Think of all the starving fitness equipment salespeople out there. They have to eat too you know. Don’t worry – they’ll buy it back for fifty cents on the dollar in a couple of months and you can say you twisted your ankle or something.

You’ve got to make the effort though!

So get on with it. Quit smoking, lose weight, get fit, kiss strangers, and jump out of airplanes.

In that order would be good too. That way you can’t be charged for the kissing part if you immediately vacate the airplane.


Happy New Year.

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