Pirates of the Okanagan

Piracy is a growing concern in the world as we all know from the news. It is a threat that is not limited to ships off the coast of Somalia.

I called the local police detachment to investigate this growing menace…

“RCMP Constable Hornblower speaking.”

“This is David Crawford of the Daily Courier newspaper”

“Oh no. I thought we had a restraining order against you.”

“It expired yesterday. Tell me – can you comment on the growing threat of piracy in local waters?”

“The what? There is no piracy here. You’re a lunatic. Go away”

“Is it true that pirates thrive in unstable political climates and are therefore holed up on the west side of Okanagan Lake somewhere? Or maybe on Rattlesnake Island?”

“I’m going to call the judge to reinstate the order right now. Please stop calling us pretending to be a reporter. I’ve got work to do.”

“I see a lot of boats pulling anti-terrorist devices behind them. Are these devices effective?”

“Those are inner tubes they are pulling you idiot. They are for fun. Go away or I’ll call the co…I’ll call myself on you.”

“Is it true the Navy is establishing a crack anti-piracy force called the Naval Emergency Response Force – or NERF – to counter this threat to sea commerce and public safety?”

“I’m hanging up – I’ve got a press conference – with REAL press – in an hour. And stop making up acronyms – that’s our job.”

“What about ransoms of millions of dollars being paid to the owners of hijacked ships by dropping the money from airplanes – do you know anything about that?”

“This is a lake you fool, there are no pirates here – now shoo! Stop wasting my time.”

“Aha! A conspiracy! You probably know all about the ransom schemes! So tell me – how does a guy get one of those boats anyway? Do I need a license or anything?”

“You have reached the voicemail of Constable Hornblower. Beeeeep.”

“I know you’re still there. You know, a fellow in a small craft could hide under the new bridge and no one would be able to see him until it was too late. So when is the RCMP boat hitting the water anyway Constable? The public has a right to know, just for curiosity sake.”

“The RCMP Anti-Piracy vess…jeez now you have me thinking about pirates…the RCMP boat will resume its normal summer patrol activity in a few days.”

“Can you say ARRR like a pirate?”

“ARR… hey now cut that out!”

“How many dramatic pirate takedowns do you anticipate happening on the lake this year Constable?”

“None! What am I doing answering your stupid questions? Go away. I’m hanging up now.”

“Wait! Supplemental question! Where do you stand on the subject of music piracy then sir?”

“We only care about music if someone is playing it too loud on their boat. Now buzz off!”

“So you‘re condoning the active piracy of music on Lake Okanagan? Stop the presses!!”

“I’m not going to grace that idiotic remark with an answer. You’ve wasted enough of my time for one day Mr. Crawford. You’re obviously off your meds again and we will not tolerate this any longer. I’m just going to wait on the line here until our officers get to your location. Then we’ll explain what harassment means, in no uncertain terms. Sir?”

*dial tone*

“Charlie 51 to base…he was calling from a payphone at the beach again…the receiver was just dangling here…no sign of him. Over.”

“Roger that. Be on the lookout for a goofy looking guy wearing a fedora with a “Press” card in the front. Possibly armed with an old flash camera. Actually, scratch that. He’s probably wearing a pirate outfit now. Approach with caution – he’s really weird.”