Memo to Parents

Memo To: My Fellow Parents

Re: Parenting Styles

I thought I would write you all and address some concerns that have been cropping up lately.

I must say that most of the kids who come over to play at our house have a really great time as I attend to important work matters while laying on the couch in my office.

It would appear though, that some of you have issues regarding my parenting style, or rather, the way I strap them onto the roof of our mini van when I deliver them to your homes after play dates.

While most 8 year old boys enjoy pretending to be jet pilots, I realize that using lawn chairs may not have been the best way to create this sensation, despite the limited seating in our vehicle.

I deeply regret the bee incident, although I’m sure the swelling will go down in a day or two. Remember, his mouth was open because he was laughing and not shrieking as some have reported.

By the way, we are hoping someone has found the pillow we were using as a booster seat, which flew off at some point in our journey. We heard someone was holding onto it as evidence (!) but I’m sure that is just a joke!

To address another concern raised by a parent, let me assure you that all participants in the ride were securely fastened to their lawn chairs with new bungee cords.

I’m sure you’ll understand that if, during the course of our adventure, your luggage (excuse me – child) happens to un-hook their particular cord (or gnaw through it in one memorable case), well, of course I cannot be held responsible since I’m inside driving.

In these circumstances, we pick up your son after he lands in the soft, safe, ‘no big alligators anymore!’ lake just beside Big Bend Corner on Lakeshore Drive, so no worries!

Some parents have also questioned my choice of identity tags used with their children.

I have developed an exciting new type of glue/ink mixture that keeps the brightly coloured barcodes firmly in place on your child’s forehead (just in time for school photo’s!).

These barcodes are really useful. With them we can track your child’s attendance, food preferences, allergies, any embarrassing stories they have told about Mom and Dad – all with a single scan with a hand held laser beam thing – just like Costco.

In one humourous instance, we learned all about the really bright lights in the spare garage that Jimmy isn’t allowed to play in anymore! Let’s hope Mr. Hydro Meter Man doesn’t hear about those! Don’t worry – your data is safe with us!

Those wishing to opt out of this handy bar-coding program can be assured the ink will wash off all on its own, usually within 3 years. Attempts at removing the barcodes using rubbing alcohol and belt sanders have met with mixed results. Your results may vary.

While we do not live in a completely risk-free world as you know, let me assure you that I keep my advanced chemistry lab locked at all times, along with my fireworks packing machinery, ninja weapons, New Guinea blowgun collection, and display of Bowie knives. All are safely stored in the old shed out back and I have told the boys to not go near there. I know I can trust your boy to respect our rules just like all the others.

So in summary, let me just reassure you that your concerns are being addressed and your children are in safe and capable hands at all times.

I have my Level One first aid certificate hanging on my wall (course summary: “Call 911!”), and don’t forget I have my Introductory Babysitting course from when I was 12.

Anyway – thanks for the opportunity to clear the air! Let’s have a safe play date again real soon!