Hannah et al

If you have children of a certain age, you'll no doubt know these shows: Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, Wizards of Waverly Place, Secret Life of Zack and Cody and many others.

This is children and teen programming from the fevered minds of Disney, and as such they are so treacly sweet and pure they automatically make my Bad Boy Bile rise.

These kids are too pure. They don't drink, smoke, do drugs or snarl at their parents.

They have no zits, blotches, hangovers or diarrhea. They don't sneak small amounts of booze from their parents liquor cabinet (including the ever-dreadful lemon gin or peppermint schnapps) and put it in a mickey bottle and call it 'Sh*t Mix' for their chums.

I'm quite convinced these characters are robots.

I mean - why else would parents actually buy lemon gin if not for their children to steal in small amounts? Parents don't actually drink the stuff - do they?

These liquors were produced only for desperate teenagers who consume huge quantities of it in back alleys on their way to parties or movies, later suffering the ill effects of this Ipecac-like liquid. In a strange way, punishment for consuming illicit liquor supplies was built in to the product - who needed parents to tell us we'd messed up when we were barfing so hard our stomach came out our nose?

Further, the kids on these shows are not consumed by sex lust like most teenagers. When I was growing up, any teenage girl who stood within about a half mile of a teenage boy got pregnant and was shipped off to the 'Whisper School for Naughty Girls' - somewhere out of town.

To us boys, knowing some girls had babies, elicited hope in us all. SOME girls would do it, and girls who actually had a kid as a result were living proof! Hope sprang eternal.

I guess the point that is ultimately trying to excrete itself from my head is this: if, at any point in my life, I happen upon a Jonas brother, forgive me if I sic some diseased hooker on him.

Just once I'd like to see Hanna Montana weaving down a back lane, drunk out of her gourd, having a great time as she dis-colors the moss on the north side of a tree by hurling upon it.

My friends and I did this - many times - and look how good I turned out? See?

Disney - take note - there's such a thing as being too good for your own good.

Yeah - and good luck with that celibacy thing.