Goose Cull

I wish to commend the City of Kelowna for their ingenious solution to the growing Canada Goose problem.

Rather than shooting them with automatic weapons and grenade launchers as suggested by more militant members of the public (me), officials have decided to cull the geese by giving them cell phones so they can text each other while flying.

This causes the geese to be distracted, resulting in them plowing into buildings, their beautiful “V” formations becoming “___” formations on the sidewalks below. City crews then sweep up the cell phones, leaving the dazed birds to fend for themselves against the packs of feral bunnies which roam the streets of our fair city.

While bunnies usually prey on weak or ill animal rights activists, Dazed Geese are increasingly featured on their menus.

Individual geese continue to be targeted by airborne police for operating a vehicle (themselves) while using an electronic device. Lawyers for the geese have filed appeals of the tickets, claiming they were only checking voicemail and not actually engaging in any two-way honking while flying, therefore reducing the risk and questioning the validity of their sentences.

A spokesperson for the Police says they will continue to give chase should geese take off from the officers who stop them. These high speed pursuits, or ‘wild goose chases’ as they have come to be called, are a danger to the public and will not be tolerated, say police.