Cell Shocked

I was walking down the street, watching people text as they furtively glanced around for any Cell Police. Lawless criminals were walking everywhere, talking on cell phones and texting – without hands-free devices.

Since the new law came in that prohibited walking while using your cellphone, everyone has gotten nervous.

You are supposed to use a wireless or handsfree device of some sort but hardly anyone does. We’ve all walked while talking or texting and gotten away with it before. Everyone just takes the chance they won’t be caught or cause an accident. Fools.

I sauntered around the corner and noticed the flashing lights. People lined up on the sidewalk. It was a Cell Checkstop. Or a Stopcell Checkup. Stopup SpellCheck? Something like that.

A guy in front of me stopped and turned to walk the other way, but there were Cell Cops behind us – they had anticipated runners. There was no where to go – no where to ditch his phone. Busted in mid-text.

Farther down the line I could just make out what was being said…

“Good afternoon Ma’am. Been doing any talking today?” the cop said.

“Well I had a few texts over lunch…,” she said, nervously.

“Ma’am, I have reasonable and probable grounds to believe you’ve been walking under the influence of a cell phone call. I’ll need to see your handset, earpiece and contract please,” he said in a bored voice.

“I think my hands-free device is in my purse somewhere, officer. I always use it. I just can’t seem to find it. It must have slipped off my ear!”

“Sure lady. We have an old saying in Cell law enforcement - ‘You do the air-time, you do the crime.’ Now let me see the history page on your telephone, please.” he said.

“Well I did make one quick call but that was inside a store I swear! I wasn’t walking!” she said, fumbling.

“Ma’am, we are here for your safety. Talking and walking at the same time causes people to bump into each other and drop packages, causing tens of dollars in damage every year. It’s a serious problem. The Provincial Government created our police force to battle this crime wave. So hand over the goods before I start jamming your data channel…”

There was a commotion further down the line. A young man was being hand-cuffed by the Cellies.

“That isn’t my phone I swear!” a kid said as he was taken into custody and thrown into the police car. “It’s not my phone! My Bluetooth is re-charging! It belongs to my girlfriend! Someone planted it on me! Honest! You’ve gotta believe me!”

“Cancel his texting plan and take him down to the Cell cells” the senior cell cop instructed. “Yea, I know that sounds ridiculous. We’re talking to management about it.”

Meanwhile, the lady in front continued… “Officer, I’m really, really sorry. I promise if you just give me a warning I won’t do it again! I can’t lose my cellphone – I need it for my job. Any more tickets and my daytime rates will go up like you wouldn’t believe…”

JUDGE: “I sentence you to lose one hour of Blackberry use per day for one whole week.”

CRIMINAL: “Nooooooooooooooo!!!”

When it was my turn the officer looked me squarely in the eye and said “Good afternoon sir. Been doing any calling today?”

“I had two brief calls about an hour ago, and I sent a text to my wife about 30 minutes ago – well before I started walking, sir.” I said.

“I’ll need to see your cell phone license and history list please sir,” he said, ever the cool professional.

“Everything seems to be in order sir. Have a good walk and remember to always use a hands-free device, or call a cab,” the officer said.

It sure feels good knowing that our Cell Police professionals are keeping our streets safe.