Back to School Lament

Well it is the start of another school year soon, and we can stop fussing about with our kids schedules. Gone are the camps, beach days, play dates, sports activities, backyard slip and slides, trail hiking, mountain biking, swimming, stargazing, kite flying, go-cart driving, golf ball whacking days of summer!

Now we parents can sit back, relax, and enjoy the sublime pleasures of school clothing and supplies purchasing, Halloween planning, Thanksgiving, Christmas shopping, greeting in-laws who have come to stay for weeks on end, celebrate the holidays, cleaning up, shoveling, hiding Easter eggs, spring break planning, school yearbook purchases, I am foaming at the mouth please help me find my meds, and so forth.

Readers of this column who do not have children should, at this point, just close the paper and go back to the coffee shop and have another latte. Doing so will slightly diminish the hatred we parents feel towards you, so get going for your own safety.

Yes– we remember the carefree days of summer in the days B.K. (Before Kids). Long walks, lazy mornings reading the newspaper, casual dining with friends, the ability to drink more than one glass of wine and not barf because you get out of practice, the whole ‘No responsibility’ thing. Yes – I said NO RESPONSIBILITY DAMMIT!!

Sorry. I get emotional sometimes, thinking of those halcyon days when there was…time. That most precious and rare thing – time.

I remember my wife and I waking up on a Saturday, and deciding to run the 10k the next day at some park in Vancouver. So we went and entered, got our shirts, and did it. No biggy. We were fit, we had the time, we enjoyed ourselves immensely, and *sniff* it was *sniff* a joyous time in our lives wah wah wah wah *sniff* I’ll be OK. Sometimes I just get this longing for when it was possible to do things on the spur of the moment. I’m sorry, let me go take a valium before I continue here…

You see, when we parents signed on for this whole kid thing, no one said anything about having to keep kids entertained 24 hours per day, every day of the summer. Our deal was to love them and keep them safe and fed and whatnot. The contract did not mention summer holidays when there is no school with which to keep your children occupied.

So we resort to inane methods of distraction, one of them being ‘crafts.’ As a parent I strongly advise you to purchase shares in paper companies and perhaps an Elmers Glue franchise. Like any parent, we are buried under several tons of craft paper covered with glue and bits of macaroni, elegantly pasted together with 4 gallons of white glue, which currently covers most of the dining room table, which we haven’t seen for several years. This is due to craft activities for the month of August alone.

We may lease a small warehouse to hold the coming fall collection of artistry from our offspring.

It is a little known fact that teachers are graded by Principals based on their output of craft materials, measured in tons per day.

Anyway, when not handing out sharp cutting implements to my kids, I have been working on a business plan for a new venture. It is a Scotch whiskey-themed summer camp for parents. Parents will drop off their kids and proceed into a room filled with reclining chairs. There they will toss back several ounces of magical elixir, then proceed to have a little nap for the day in one of our nice, comfy chairs. That is it. Simple business.

It is already sold out - sorry.