BC Twistory Pt. 1

In honour of our province’s 150^th birthday, we now present the first in a series of concise, slightly edited versions of British Columbia History.

8000 BCE/RW (Before Common Era/Raquel Welch) – Wooly mammoth, tired of the cold in what will eventually be called Alberta, opens first gated retirement community beside retreating glacier in what is now Kelowna. Neighbours immediately complain about overdevelopment, parking, noise.

1492 – Christopher Columbia and wife Myrtle sail ocean blue looking for Hudsons Bay store, seeking multi-coloured, striped blankets. After realizing Hudsons Bay has not been discovered yet, drops anchor in WalPort instead, where natives trade for everyday low prices.

1741 – Russians begin trading along coast. First Nations people trade furs, carvings and a Tim Hortons franchise in exchange for 2 forwards, 2 defencemen, and smallpox. These negotiations have no Bering on final stats for season.

1787 – Captain George Dixon names large islands on the North Coast after his wife in Britain, who had certain facial features which some found unattractive.

“Gorilla Islands” later re-named Queen Charlotte Islands.

1789 – Spanish explorers build fort in Nootka Sound. Build bed and breakfast. Can’t stand constant rain so they leave and create Mexico.

1790 – Father Vernon Mission sets sail from England aboard HMS Penticton and somehow discovers Okanagan Lake. Becomes ill from Montosoyoos Revenge, issues boil water advisory.

1792 – Captain George Vancouver charts most of Georgia Straight (population: 6), begins publishing counter-culture newspaper. Newspaper goes broke searching for appropriate name, identity, subscribers.

1803 – Good ship HMS Boston, sister ship of more famous HMS Lollypop, has bad day in ironically named Friendly Cove, where all aboard are killed by natives under Chief Maquinna, who was a little cranky that day.

1812 – Captain James T. Cook on HMS Enterprise explores west coast where he is eaten alive by mosquitoes, then goes on vacation to Hawaii, where he is eaten alive.

1830 – First grapes grown in Okanagan, become first wine made in BC. Baby Duck goes on to great success with desperate teenagers everywhere.

1840– Canadian Bay Company (CBC) builds Fort Gerrussi near Gibsons to sell relics to itinerant beachcombers. This proves difficult since powered vessels were not yet invented, nor was beachcombing. Fort Canceled built on site after cutbacks at CBC.

1842 – New British colony founded on lower mainland, the name Vancouver coming from the words Vanc (meaning ‘swiftly forming bad traffic’) and Ouver (meaning ‘device for sucking filth out of carpets’). Settlers immediately begin clear cutting old growth forests, which at this point are about a foot tall. Travelers experience volume delays on Port Mann rope across river.

1843 – First Starbucks opens on Robson Street

1844 – Captain Langley Richmond-Surrey explores and maps coast of area now known as British Properties in West Vancouver. Immediately demands neighbours cut down trees blocking his view of Lions Gate Bridge, which has mysteriously appeared in our narrative, never to return.

1851 – W.A.C. Bennett born and is crowned king of all British Columbia, which he will reign over for the next

130 odd years.

1853 – Fort Nanaimo founded as sweatshop to manufacture delicious confections.

1854 - BC Tooth Ferries established to transport children’s teeth at high speed to factories on mainland where they are made into coins. First known use of the slogan “When it absolutely, positively has to get there overnight.”

1850 – First snobby private school opens in Fort Victoria. Students from other, non-snobby schools immediately steal lunch money from snob children and use it to fund teachers and nurses unions, thus forming what is now the NDP. Merchants, being more social people, take credit for this scheme, which becomes the germ of an idea…