Life Lessons from a Big Kid

A near tragedy happened in Kelowna recently, one that was not covered by the media.

2 spelunkers (one male, one female) were buried in a cave collapse. The roof supports of the main passage they were exploring bent and crashed down, just as one of the intrepid cavers was passing beneath. The other dug frantically and was able to rescue their comrade just in time.

This heroism went unnoticed since the cave-in happened about a dozen times, and then someone broke wind and a full evacuation (of the cave) immediately followed. Fortunately no one was injured in the rush for the exit.

The roof supports were my legs of course, with blankies and pillows doing yeoman service as dirt and boulders.

We were supposed to be doing our chores assigned by Mom, but as usual we got distracted, as children and middle-aged men will. The big Mom and Dad bed had once again proved too tempting.

I told Mom on the phone that we were doing homework, which wasn’t totally dishonest.

The kids later confessed under interrogation, thus getting me in trouble yet again.

But that is part of my job. As I see it, one of my Dad duties is to corrupt the children with fun stuff after Mom has done all the hard work. Mom is sometimes annoyed by this cogent reasoning.

For example, in order to give Mom a break sometimes, I will take the kids to the mall, where we run around, play hide and seek, steal old ladies’ purses and so on. Good clean fun.

Later, I’ll tell Mom we ate nothing but wholesome broccoli salad for lunch and had pure bean curd for a snack.

The disloyal little devils who are my children then pipe up and willfully contradict me, saying “We ate hot dogs and chips and root beer for lunch! And then we had a cinnamon bun for dessert!”

Little rotters. Somebody ought to teach them a lesson…in the art of the little white lie.

Actually, now that I think about it, I teach them valuable lessons all the time.

For instance, as a lover of the English language (we met in school), I enjoy expanding my children’s vocabulary.

Just the other day, we were in the van and the kids learned the proper usage of the words idiot, dolt, moron and jerk. I think they are even bright enough to use them all in a single sentence just like their father. So that’s good.

Not only do I try to impart my wisdom and knowledge, I also know some useful skills. Like juggling. Juggling is great fun, and with some oranges from the produce department and a hat, you can make some decent spare change while Mom is off grocery shopping. The kids make useful props too, if you dress them up as poor ragamuffin types.

Or marbles. Do kids play marbles any more? They should. There is nothing so empowering as cleaning out another kid of his marbles. Especially if you’re playing with good ones like crystals or jumbos.

It is getting to the point, though, where I want a little payback.

For example, I really want to learn how to skateboard. It annoys me that kids just jump on the darn things and in no time they are doing back flips and oggies. Loogies? Something like that. Are there padded roll cages available so I can practise? Is there a Seniors Tour for me to aspire to?

And what about those shoes with wheels in the heels? Do they make any in grown up sizes? I think any honest-with-themselves grown-up would love to go to work with those on. I want a pair. Can I? Can I? Pretty please? Come on! Please?

Hey! If my wife says I can stay outside, do you want to go to the playground?