Political Analysis

Humour writers don’t often tackle politics, but I’m afraid I have to wade into several issues with a burning fire of passion. I think the medication is taking effect.

One vital topic that has yet to be debated in any election is, of course, the recent, shocking removal of sugar dispensers from Starbucks outlets.

If you can imagine, they have gotten rid of all the glass sugar containers in favour of individually wrapped little paper packets, the manufacture of which is increasing the company’s carbon footprint, which will in turn plunge the world into a new ice age, thus ending life as we know it.

People – we have to get organized.

Admittedly, the old dispensers didn’t pour all that well, being plugged up with moistened sugar lumps, bacteria and bits of sneeze debris. But if you were clever like me, you would know where they kept the new, dry, unclogged, germ-free sugar dispenser thingy’s under the counter and voila! You could impress your coffee date with your insight and power and not be concerned about toxic mutant sugar germs invading your beverage.

Now, though, one has to make crinkly, loud flapping noises as you force the sugar down into the bottom of the paper, then tear off the tops of several packets at a time, which is embarrassing since you are now revealing to the assembled multitude of coffee snobs just how much sugar you use to taint the purity of your coffee, you disgusting fat unworthy slob.

On the positive side, the sound of flapping sugar packets is usually annoying to the slender, fit, insufferably smug runners in attendance drinking their decaf, non-fat lattes – a beverage known amongst us fatties as a ‘Why Bother’.

Believe me when I tell you I am canvassing all candidates about this one, at least until security guards gently lead me away again.

On other, even more important political fronts, is it just me or did everyone else, upon hearing the name Dion, automatically add ‘and The Belmonts’ afterwards?

I realize that anyone under the age of about 70 will probably not understand this reference. I can get away with that witty remark since I once worked at an ‘oldies’ radio station in my youth, and we had to play that group over and over.

I suspect that is why Mr Dion (and The Belmonts) didn’t win the election and is now being shown the door thanks very much have a nice day sincerely The Liberal Party.

Of course now that I’ve mentioned Dion and The Belmonts, my head naturally jumps to their music, specifically ‘Runaround Sue’, their huge number one smash hit from about 1935, which will remain in my head all day on permanent replay, hopefully loud enough to drown out some of the voices.

Quite frankly, it’s enough to drive me nuts.

Somebody once said that when you have a song stuck in Cranial Repeat Mode, if you sing it out loud it will go away.

This technique works well but the urge usually strikes me at inopportune moments, like at company board meetings or Chamber of Commerce functions. There, the torment of the song meets with my disgust at listening to it all day, and I burst into song quite out of the blue in an effort to get rid of the infuriating thing once and for all.

The minutes of more than one meeting have included sentences like “…and then Mr. Crawford started singing ‘Waterloo’ by Abba for some reason, until security came and shot him with a tranquilizer gun”.

I was secretly hoping Stephen Harper would burst into a rousing rendition of ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?’ at a tense press conference. It would have made him one with the people and led to a landslide victory no doubt.

Perhaps someday we will have the ability to permanently download the songs from ones head with a small MP3-type recorder.

Watch out Celine Dion.

And The Belmonts. Aaarrrgh!

I’m telling you, these political columns really take it out of a guy.